Should I give up my 2 child free hours a week so DH doesn't have to toddler wrangle?

[Magair]

Hopefully this won't be too long.....

I work 2 long days a week (11.5 hour shifts), DH works 5 days a week, out of the house 0810 - 1845. I have my 2.5 yr old when I am not working. DH more than pulls his weight at home, we have a cleaner and so home life runs smoothly. We each have a good social life separately and together.

Every Sunday morning, DH takes our 6 year old to rugby training, and takes the 2.5 year old with him. They are out from 945 until 12, and this is the only child free time I get a week, apart from evenings when they are asleep. I generally potter, do tidying, do some washing and walk the dog for an hour, and read the papers.

However, taking the toddler to rugby is becoming a real chore for DH. He no longer wants to be confined to the buggy, and wants to run around the field, into the woods, pet the dogs etc. It's a massive site. DH follows him round for 2 hours, occasionally trying to steer him back to where DS1 is training. Occasionally DS2 will consent to sit and have a snack. It's not much fun for DH, who works really hard and also does a lot at home.

I have not been asked, but I am starting to feel guilty about the above and thinking I should have DS2 at home or take it in turns to take to rugby or some other solution. I really really don't want to..... I also follows DS2 around whilst DS1 swims every week, and it's the worst hour of the week! Plus I have DS2 all the time when not at work and although he is fabulous he is absolutely full on and I love those couple of hours every week to myself.

DH gets no time at all alone in the house, although it doesn't bother him as he doesn't enjoy being alone.

AIBU to keep Sunday mornings for myself?

I'm afraid yabu but i'd feel the same! Will your toddler stilll tolerate a decent walk in the buggy? I sometimes strap him in and put on an audiobook if i'm feeling a bit frazzled. Preferable to entertaining DS in the house!

YANBU Stand firm for the sake of your sanity.

I only needed to read the visible part of the title (up to week) to arrive at that conclusion. Reading your OP has not changed my mind.

I discern three points:

One is that you're with the toddler a lot of the rest of the week. You need a break from that and you clearly really want and value having a break from that.

Two is that, for DH, running around after the toddler is more of a novelty, a less everyday part of his week. It may not be the most fun but, in some ways, a change is a good as a rest. It's also important that he shares in the 'aren't toddlers tricky' phase of development (which will pass) and, IMO, the full parenting experience always involves being able and practised at managing them by yourself.

Three is that he isn't seeking alone time. That's a stroke of luck for you, make the most of sharing parenting with such a person! Though what does he do while you take them both swimming? Or is that during the week? Remember too that he probably gets some 'quiet thinking time' at work. Working in an adult environemnt is, in many ways, more restful than being with small children - it's so much more predictable and within your own control (depends a bit what he does of course). Does he get lunch breaks? That would be 2.5-5 hours of alone time every week.

So, stay sane and happy, don't volunteer to be a martyr!

Does DH get child free time?

I agree with others that alternating sounds fair (and maybe you need to swap swimming to a time that DH can look after the toddler, as that also doesn't sound fair on anyone.

I think it's pretty common at this age only to have child free time once they are in bed (which surely must be pretty early). if you want time at the weekends maybe DH could take them out to the park or something for a couple of hours.

Also, 'you each have a good social life separately and together'. Well the 'separately' part of that is each of your 'me time'. It's your and his choice whether that time is spent alone or with friends / on hobbies.

I think you're causing confusion, including for yourself, by focusing on equal 'alone time' rather than equal 'me time'.

If he's an extrovert who seeks company, while you're someone who needs time to yourself - and really benefits from knowing you can look forward to a fixed amount every week - then you're two different people, with different needs, making different choices.

I've just got back from.eatching D's okay mugby. DD (5) stayed at home with dh.

There is minimal input required when I'm watching rugby So I see that as my free time chatting to other people etc.

Leave you get sibling at home and alternate who goes to rugby to watch and that is their down time.

Thanks guys, lots of interesting perspective. I spoke to DH when he came back and he said it was fine, except he can't watch DS1 really. I am not too fussed about that, as when DS1 actually starts to have matches we will both go, or one go alone, and DS1 gets plenty of one on one attention.

DH is free to do what he wants whilst toddler naps on the weekends, he usually chooses to sleep.

I will talk to DH properly later and see if he wants to change anything.

DS2 starts a little playgroup three mornings a week in January. I will be taking over the cleaning then but should have a morning or 2 to myself.

Crikey, I wouldn't see chatting to other parents at rugby as downtime. [shock}

I wouldn't give it up until you're asked, in all honesty.
I can understand your feelings of guilt, but unless your DH is resentful and unhappy at having to deal with DS2 while at the rugby, just let it go!
Apart from anything else, it's good for DS2 to be out and learning that he's not always the centre of everything, and that sometimes we have to be bored and do things for other people. He might not "want to be confined to the buggy" but I think he probably should be for some of the time, to allow your DH to watch your DS1 for a bit - and then they can go off and do something else for a bit, then come back for DS1. There isn't any need to let DS2 run the show by letting him straight out of the buggy and off into the wild!

It's also really nice to walk the dog properly....as in big long strides at a natural pace, actually covering ground as opposed to toddler progress that we make the rest of the week!

If he’s fine with it let it carry on; he knows it’s up for discussion if it needs to be.

I do think the point about your ds1 getting that time/support from his dad is valid though. I think it would be reasonable to divvy up the weekend to alternate weekly one afternoon one of you take them both out.

Dp used to take dd to do the shopping when she was small enough to go in the trolley and happy enough chatting. Then she decided she wanted to walk round the shop at about 2 so we knocked it on the head for a while. I was gutted that free hour was gone but it’s onlt for a while realistically.

Child free time??

What is that?

I wouldn't because you have DS2 3 days a week.

Maybe when he starts nursery you could have him at home those 2 hours.

Surely alternating weeks is the fair grown up thing to do?

Ready to get bashed but 'ipad time' once lo becomes a handful. Things sound like they will change again in January anyhow . Partner could easily disappear for a couple of hours on his way back from work once a week for his 'me time' if he's back by 4.45 and still get to see kids before bedtime. A couple of hours protected 'you' time that you can look forward to is the stuff that keeps us on a even keel. X

I would keep the time for most weeks, tbh.

No, the 6 year old doesn't need someone to cheer him on. It's training. Not a match. Just like you not having to watch the swimming lesson intently, you're watching a younger child. Every parent with little ones struggles with this but gets on with it.

Frankly, dad could sit inside a local cafe with the toddler for a bit of it and have a drink and a snack. Then spend some time chasing him around, just like you do on swimming days and every other day when you have him.

Ask him when he'd like some alone time, or perhaps every third Sunday? Or one a month where you take them? Or agree to keep the toddler with you on hideous weather days?

Totally agree with lottiegarbanzo

No no no! Do not give up your only child free time! My DH does exactly the same thing with our kids - wrangles the small one at the older one's sport training. He finds it hard but he knows it's important for me to have those few precious hours to myself.

Thanks everyone.... decided we are going to revisit it in January once DS2 starts playgroup.

Now to January is a long time. I would try and re-visit it now even with the view it will change again come January.

NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(and that is just from the thread title... )

Isnthis the first rugby season for ds1?

I don't take my 3yo to rugby training as it's a nightmare following them around etc. (I have a 10 and 6 yo playing on different pitches)

I definitely wouldn't be taking him once the eweather turns Nov-Feb - they will whinge cos they are wet and cold (no matter how well you wrap them up). You are also wet and cold and want to hold a thermos of warm drink. Kiddo playing needs your hands free to help warm up and dry off and clear the mud off before they get in the car.

Blackeyed Susan 😂

Spinn, DS1 has been going for 2 years, DH definitely took him all last season. Full body waterproof and wellies did the job. DS2 doesn't feel the cold, he would happily be naked at all times (and DS1 as well actually).

Tbh if I was your dh I would refuse to take toddler. It's utter hell trying to take older kids to activities and wrangle a toddler. Plus ds1 deserves to have his parents full attention at practise

Luckily my DH is a fully involved parent who understands it’s not all fun and sometimes you do have to toddler wrangle when it’s not ideal, just like I do when DH is at work.

We used to take it in turns taking both children to rugby. It is way easier than swimming because the toddler can have space to roam. Toddler and parent can play with a ball and parent can still watch. I used to put a picnic blanket down as a playmat, and take toys, books, and a flask of tea. It closed down and I was disappointed, it is one of the best places to do toddler wrangling.