To think this is too expensive a trip?

[Peonylass]

It's my FIL's 75 birthday in November.

My MIL died last Xmas and step FIL also passed on a few years ago

My SIL (DH's sister) who lives in England has announced there will be a big family party for him back home in Ireland. But November isn't convenient for travel so they're having it on 29 December at my BIL's (DH's brother) house, 6 weeks later.

We are not welcome to stay over at BIL's house but SIL is. They don't like our kids who are autistic. Since MIL they haven't even bothered with birthdays etc for our kids, who are a lot younger than SIL's kids. To be frank this has stung quite a bit.

Due to the location there is very little in the way of tourist accommodation and it's expensive. More so given the time of year We'd also need a car given distances and no public transport.

Looking at the moment I think the lower end of the budget would be £700 for a 2 night stay including flights but no car. Using Airbnb. And that's pushing it a bit- it could easily rise past £1k especially if we try to stay for new year.

We are not well off, we run old bangers, haven't had a holiday aboard for about 5 years. I was saving up to do a camping holiday in France next year. This would completely remove all chances of this.

SIL 's family are very comfortable. Big house, at least 2-3 foreign holidays a year. New cars etc. SIL was also one of 2 main beneficiaries of MIL's inheritance whereas my DH wasn't in the will. So they don't have to worry about money.

My DH has been very ill, and spent nearly a year out of work. He's only been back in work 6 months. I am the main earner and our household income is about half theirs even before we factor the extra costs of having two kids with such complex needs, which has included rebuilding our extension to make the house habitable for them (to add they were my sister's kids but she died leaving them to us)

They are nice people but I really don't think they live on the same planet as us. They also get very offended - they are very parochial Presbyterians.

I have asked DH if there are any other relatives we could approach to put us up but he is adamant that it's not that kind of family. I think he is worried about alienating us further.

Can we just say we can't come and pay for him to visit us on his real birthday? We have the closest relationship with FIL who wasn't consulted on the plans anyway. I just don't know how we can afford it?

Yanbu. That's a ridiculous amount of money to spend at what is an incredibly expensive time of year as it is.

I think your plan to pay for him to visit you is a really good one.

You have to be honest with them and say you cant afford it.

in you situation there is no way I would be going (although I probably tie myself in knots about what to say to SIL). It doesn’t make sense to make so many sacrifices, and to make your DC sacrifice next year’s holiday for the sake of this trip. Would your FIL be happy if you explained the situation to him and suggested he visit you for his actual birthday? I’m guessing from your post that he would.
I think you should acknowledge to yourself that saying no is a scary/ uncomfortable thing to do sometimes but in this scenario it seems like the right thing to do. Good luck

I would talk to FIL directly. Explain that your finances are tight and ask him whether he would prefer a trip to you on his actual birthday or for you to be at the party. Once you and FIL have decided what suits you collectively best, then let the rest of the family know - so it’s a fait accompli. If FIL has agreed the plan with you then they can’t very easily complain !

I don't have much advice, I just wanted to say how hard it must be for you and your husband having to deal with selfish people like that. You are raising your late sisters two children as your own (who are being alienated), your husband has recently had time off work due to illness and you are not as well off as them. As well the fact that your husband was left out of his mother's will. You are not alienating yourselves, they are alienating you.

Keep a good relationship with your FIL (something I'm sure they may be jealous of) and invite him to yours. This isn't about you and your FIL relationship, this a about them and their ideas for a party.

Good luck

First things first - they don't sound very nice from your initial post. They sound cold, unaccommodating and bossy.

I wouldn't go. Your circumstances don't make it a priority. If you could manage the children alone or perhaps ask a relative or freind to stay with you, is their any way your DH could go alone and then he could stay at their house and cut down the expense further. That is assuming he would want to go without you but as he has been ill and out of work perhaps this would be a boost to him.

I think its perefedtky fine to decline this summons, arrange something for his birthday and say you have plans for the New Year already.

Good luck OP.

Thanks. Thinking about it I suspect they are already planning to visit BIL at Christmas and are thinking this will save money, as then they won't have to make two trips.

FIL is staying with us at the moment so we can sound him out

To quote a MN classic phrase - 'no is a complete sentence'.

I would give the party in December a miss, and do something with FIL on his actual birthday instead. Celebrating a major birthday 6 weeks late is a bit lame really, and doesnt just justify much travel or expense.

Can your DH go alone? Will his brother put just him up for a couple of days?

Their behaviour stinks.

Send dh alone.

Do you think they really expect you all to attend? With the lack of interest in your children so far, it sounds a bit like a rhetorical invite...perhaps their wish is for your DH to attend alone?

I think your DH should only attend if someone can pick him up from the airport and his DB puts him up

Your husband should go alone

"Thank you for your kind invitation but I'm afraid we won't be able to join you." Keep it simple. You don't have to explain - none of their business. Speak with FIL and make your own arrangements to suit him. Don't get involved with the others.

YANBU It sounds like a right carry on. Leave them to it.

Can we just say we can't come and pay for him to visit us on his real birthday? This is a lovely thing to do.

You’re having a tough enough time as it is without jumping through hoops and spending money you don’t have to please awkward relatives.

Thanks for the replies.

I've asked FIL if he'd like to come over sometime on/near his birthday and he might be up for it, I am not sure.

I am on a Xmas rota at work so may not get the time off and my mum is very ill so I have said I don't know if we could all get over for the party. DH can go regardless - we regularly holiday separately as it's the only way to get a break from the kids and ghost stretches out our annual leave allowances.

Only SIL and the youngest step son were in the will. They bore the brunt of looking after MIL and she didn't have much. I can understand why she did it.

Our kids are tough. They function at around half their ages so at 11 and 14 they still whine, screech, lie on the floor, interrupt adult conversations, obsess over kids tv. It's very wearing and just looks like bad behaviour if you don't understand.

And they don't understand. We've talked about their autism at length for many years and yet SIL asked 'who has autism?' only yesterday when we were talking about attending a local autism event this week.

Also we are not being invited to visit for Xmas or new year, only for the party in between.

Last year we visited for a week in the summer for a family wedding which cost us £1.2k for travel and accommodation. We are still paying it off, plus then the travel back a few months later for the funeral. I don't begrudge these expenses but we are genuinely still paying for these trips - they went onto 0% credit card deals

This year we haven't had a family holiday at all.

Also DH thinks his best friend might put him up for a couple of nights (they don't have room for all of us, so if he goes alone he won't need to pay for a hotel

It sounds like your DH going alone might be the best option but please, for your sake, learn that it’s ok to say no to stuff that doesn’t work for you. You sound like a lovely couple and you deserve to put you first x

Well, second, after your kids iyswim.