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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Letting go of 'family'

6 replies

Sparklfairy · 16/09/2018 03:30

Not really an aibu as I have other threads atm and I know I what you're all gonna say, even at this hour. But I'm using this as more as a therapy session.

My mum always drilled into me the importance of family, hence why I was The 'replacement husband' so to speak. Financially anyway. I hated mg younger sister for not turning up for Xmas because she was going against this "tradition" (now I understand why. I spent Xmas last year on my own as mum insisted on bringing her partner who has grabbed me twice. I was faced with the choice of making the day awkward for everyone or just avoid it. I chose the latter and spent Xmas alone.

Anyway you can see I have other threads where dm is irrational. The police have been involved but essentially I still just have the clothes on my back. I am sober (solely out because of the victim blaming by some other mners).

Not a single member of my family has stepped up. I've loaned them all money. Been there for them when they're stuck. And when I'm officially being abused by my own mother and being left homeless with the clothes on my back, they vanish. I feel sick. All I ever try and do is help them. My father even borrowed money off me last year (paid it back this year but beside the point). Why is no one there for me even for a rant? It's so one sided Sad

OP posts:
EnglishRose13 · 16/09/2018 04:35

You need to think about what you actually get out of this relationship with your mum. If you're not happy, don't continue out of a sense of duty. Go low contact if you can't go no contact.

ittakes2 · 16/09/2018 05:27

As children we put importance on what the main adults around say - its natural as we trust them to help us. If your mum said to you family was most important - you would understandably have this in your head. You are an adult now - you get to choose what you think is important to have in your head. You may still decide family is important....but it might not be the most important thing. Focus on your own health and well being for a while. I am sorry your family are not stepping up to help and support you - maybe concentrate your energies on building friendships with people outside your family who can give you this.
My brother did not get on with my parents when he was a young adult - he literally went out and recreated a family amongst his friendships. He had an older woman friend who became a mother figure - a close male friend who was like a brother. I always admired him for doing that - family are not just who you are related to by blood. One benefit of building a family out of friends is that you get to choose people you like. You sound like you are a very loyal and giving person - there are lots of people out there who would be extremely lucky to have you as a friend and be grateful for your friendship. Family are not just the people you are related to by blood or marriage - family are who you feel a certain way about. By the way, 20 years later my brother now does get on with my parents.

Movablefeast · 16/09/2018 06:01

Don't listen to what people say focus on their actions. They want you to give, give, give but then they don't reciprocate. You have been guilted and brainwashed into assuming this was your role. It is not. Live your own life on your own terms, your family are not going to be there for you. It is very sad and frustrating but it is best to face up to reality.

Sparklfairy · 17/09/2018 08:50

I know you're all right Sad it's just sad.

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SwordToFlamethrower · 17/09/2018 08:58

It is very sad. I spent yesterday in tears and heartbroken over my family. Abusive from the get go, violent and neglectful at age 41 I'm STILL shedding tears over them.

ENOUGH.

My sister has cancer, she's an alcoholic. My mother doesn't talk to me. She won't pick up the phone or reply to messages. My sil recently shared that my brother raped her and broke her ribs.

What do I get out of the relationship? Zero.

What I mourn, constantly is the love and "family" I missed out on. That I'll never have.

The best advice I ever got from my mother was this: "leave, and never come back".

I've left my home town in 2001. I've had therapy, started my own family and in a great relationship with a wonderful, loving and nurturing man. I have scars and wounds that I'm still working to heal even now. But I know I'm infinitely better off away from them all.

And you are too. They've done you a kindness. Look up to the sky, you're free.

It's truly a good thing.

Sparklfairy · 17/09/2018 09:03

I know you're right SwordToFlamethrower but it is hard. My own mum was fine as long as i did exactly what she wanted Inc loaning her money. Then when I stopped, she turned on me. And she's managed to turn my siblings against me to. It's scary how they can so easily do that

OP posts:
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