To say something about this?

[PoeticJustice]

Bit of background before I get into the AIBU.

DS (6) plays for a local U7’s football team. The team has been together for about 2 months, they train one night a week and then play games on a Sunday. Unlike most of the other boys on the team, DS literally only started showing an interest in football a few weeks before the team was formed, he’d never played before and we’re not a sporty family at all - DH/DS1/Uncles etc have no interest in football. As a consequence, he is probably their weakest player.

I’m aware of this and have been helping him practice every day, signed him up for after school football club etc as he absolutely loves to play. He tries hard and is actually great at tackling. He never gives up or gets despondent, despite always being the first one to be subbed out.

Allegedly it’s non competitive at this age. The coach is always going on about it being about building skills, having fun, learning the rules etc, it’s not about winning. I say “allegedly” because of course everyone still expects them to win, especially the coach who only ever lets my kid play a few minutes “so everyone gets a turn” but the better players never have to be subs

On to my AIBU (finally!)

At this weeks match DS played a grand total of 4 minutes (of a possible 20)- so not even a full half - whilst several other players played the full 20 and even the others who were subbed managed to play at least double what DS did. I was annoyed because how will he ever get better if he’s barely allowed to play? But I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to be that parent.

2 minutes from the end of the first match, the assistant coach pulled off a player to put in DS. I was sat directly behind them. This kid immediately starts kicking off, saying “you can’t take me off for DS, he’s rubbish, now we’re going to lose and it’ll be all DS fault, it’s not fair” on and on and on. Assistant coach is shushing him (probably because he knows I can hear) and saying “don’t worry, there’s only 2 minutes left, it’s fine. You’ll be playing the whole of the next game anyway.” This kid then got to play the full next match and DS again got to play just 2 minutes at the end - and only then because another child was injured.

I was utterly furious. I didn’t say anything at the time because I was afraid I’d cause a scene but now I wish I had. My poor sweet boy would be heartbroken if he’d overheard, though luckily he didn’t. I don’t feel like it was dealt with properly by the assistant coach but I’m not sure if I’ve missed my chance to address it.

AIBU to be upset? And to think the coach should have handled the situation differently? WIBU to bring it up at this weeks match? Should I approach the assistant or go straight to the coach, or the kids mother directly? I’m not even sure what to say but I feel like I need to stand up for my boy.

Are you paying for these sessions?

You sound a bit helicopter-parent, which is fine if you're paying. But if it it's free, YABU. Could you send DS to football lessons?

Yanbu
I woyld feel exactly the same. Their attitude to your ds will destroy his confidence and any joy he finds in the game he has just discovered.
Are there any clubs he can join after school that will help him so he is better for match day?
I would definitely bring it up with the coach. He is perpetuating the win at all costs while paying lip service to the fun and confidence building aspect. He should be reinforcing the latter with that kid that kicked off, not limiting your ds even further.

Since when is a whole match only twenty minutes , even for that age group? Misses the point of the thread....

Yanbu to want to protect you sons feelings and not dent his confidence.

In my experience football is quite competitive from early on. In our area only the 'best' players go forward for a team and other go to skills training etc, festival matches but not competitive leagues unless you have been picked out by the coaches. A weak link would quickly be dropped from the team.

Perhaps focus in football skills training sessions for your son first before putting him into a team? The atmosphere is generally more friendly and informal.

And 20 minute matches?! What's that about?

I think, as said that the Coach needs to be asked for help in trying to get him to improve.

I've got mixed feelings. My DD excelled at Sport and it was good for, because she struggled academically. She would have started to feel despondent if a team that she was on was held back by one player.

The same allowances wouldn't have been made, if she had wanted to join in with something academic.

Why shouldn't winning be the aim of the other players?

Sometimes we've got to accept that we aren't talented/skilled enough and find something else.

It’s not free, we have to pay at training sessions and at matches too. Even if it was free though, is it really too much to ask that they try not to destroy my kids confidence? Or reward kids for putting down other members of their own team? They’re 6 years old, it’s not the Premier league ffs!

He’s already practicing every day and has started doing an after school club as well, he’s really trying to improve and he’s not terrible, he’s just not as good yet as the others.

The matches are 10 minutes, 5 minutes each way. Apparently that’s the FA approved time for under7s.

Good luck with finding football games for your son that aren't highly competitive and a bit toxic.
Have you thought about tennis?

I don't think YABU at all. At this stage all the kids should have equal game time. My DSs play rugby. The eldest is at U12 level and is a poor player but attends every training session and match. Even at this age the coaches are committed to allowing all players to play half a game. The stronger, fitter players may play for longer but he will get a good amount of game time and be made to feel valued.
At U7 they should all play for approx the same amount of time. If that's not possible due to numbers they should consider 2 teams.
Very frustrating when you get up and go to a match on a Sunday morning and your child plays for minutes! Might as well have stayed in bed.....
Children and parents can be very elitist.

I really feel for you, such a difficult situation.

Can I put the other side across though...
Dd, 9, has been playing football 4 years. She has trained twice a week come rain or shine. She has had a match every week. She runs even though she doesn't enjoy it to improve her fitness. She's pretty good now.
Her club is very inclusive and every girl gets the same amount of time on the pitch.
A new girl joined last week, never kicked a ball in her life, tackles her own team mates, runs in the wrong direction. They had just started winning games and lost last week, because of this one girl. (Only 5 a side so one weak link makes a big difference). It is so very frustrating for dd and the rest of her team, who have worked hard for years.

In your shoes, I think I would be looking for a different team who play at the same standard as your ds. Nicer for everyone.

Agree with moredoll. Toxic. You could be writing about my son. I hated every bloody minute of standing at the side of a pitch watching every other kid play and mine getting subbed on for the last two minutes. He loved it though.

There's no such thing as non-competitive football. It's a crock of shit. And it only gets worse as they get older. There's no place for kids who love the game but aren't particularly good at it or whose faces don't fit with the coaches. And we tried a number of teams. All the same.

Interestingly, my nephew's team (he's now 16) play mostly for fun, even though they're in a league. Seems the years between about 8-14 are the worst.

My ds was playing football as soon as he could walk and has trained regularly every week through rain and shine ever since, yes he does deserve to spend longer on the pitch than your ds who has just decided he wants to play.

I would suggest either finding a team who are in a lower league and therefore not as good or telling the coach that he won't be playing matches until the beginning of next year, which will give him time to get his skill level up, through regular training.

There’s is no “lower” league.

Maybe I didn’t explain properly, by the team was literally formed only 2 months ago and DS was the one of the first ones to sign up. It’s not like he joined an established team. None of the others had been on a team before either, it’s just that they all knew the basics before they started and he didn’t.

He works bloody hard and he doesn’t have an entitled attitude, he’s never once complained about sitting on the sidelines. It’s not like he’s not trying to improve but he’s not going to suddenly become Ronaldo overnight.

And despite being their weakest player, he’s also the only one of them who’s won man of the match at a tournament so he can’t be that rubbish.

Okay fair enough.

Maybe still keep him away from the matches for a month or so and give him time to improve, for his sake, otherwise he'll quickly go off football if he's constantly on the bench .

Under sevens is twenty minutes per half according to FA guidelines, not five minutes per half, that's pointless.

Near us, rec leagues for young kids always require equal playing time for all kids.

There are many teams around like this - especially where some of the kids are really good and the parents are somewhat over enthusiastic too.
There are also many teams that give equal time to each player, switch the positions around and believe in developing every child and not just the few favourites.
Unfortunately kids like to win and if your son is a weaker player then they will realise that and point it out. Your son may well be happier in another team at his ability level. Spending long periods on the bench at any age is demoralising but particularly when you are starting out. Good coaches would not put a child through that either and so I don't really see that you've got anything to lose by moving him.

Ok so it sounds like being new the team isn't really set up for differing abilities and are just trying to establish themselves. Thr coaches might be inexperienced too.

I'd consider looking into the community Foundation/charity side of a bigger professional team. They should be set up to involve kids across a range of abilities and set them in groups to suit this. Our local one is called Townclubname Junior Academy and within the academy they have teams for every birth year group and then split by ability into colour groups. So 2010 greens, 2010 blues etc...so they're playing with roughly equals and all have a chance without the better players getting frustrated like your day has experienced.

They also get training and match day strips provided free, free tickets for the professional team games, discounts of summer camps etc, meet the players days etc.

YANBU. The coach should let all the kids play equal time at that age. I’ve got U8 and U10 DS and the priorities do change as they get older but at U7 it’s purely for fun. The coach should also be talking to the children about supporting each other and not allowing the negative talk and blame.
Next season look for another club