To think maybe I don’t have any friends?

[GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat]

I would have always have said I had lots of friends. I certainly know and meet up with lots of people and people I message and chat to regularly.

However, I’ve realised I instigate it all. I can’t actually think of the last time someone asked me if I want to meet up, or text me to ask how I’m doing.

I’m really suffering at the moment and it’s brought it all home how low down on everyone’s priorities I am. It’s shit.

How can I have got this so wrong? Thinking I have lots of friends but actually have none.

I think a lot of people are inherently lazy - they know you organise so they don't have to.

It's not personal just thoughtless

You're probably better off as people are rarely what they seem., everyone let's you down eventually.

I'm an exception though- I'll be your friend :)

A lot of people are quite insecure - they’re nervous about messaging someone or suggesting meeting up incase they are rebuffed.
I’d say if you’re close enough for them to agree when you suggest going out then they’re close enough for you to ask them for coffee and ask for support.

Maybe all these people think that you're such a busy woman with all these other friends, you won't have time for them?

I don’t think it’s that sadly but thank you. I think people are just being polite.

In fact it was a neighbour tonight saying she’ll pop around for a cuppa next week for a catch up that made me realise I never hear that. It cheered me up.

I wouldn't veer to that extreme in interpreting things - you initiate, they hsppily respond. If they didn't like you they wouldn't. If you didn't contact them I'm sure many would contact you eventually. Try not to over-think/assume the worst - people aren't perfect and can get lazy or see you as the assigned "organiser".

Know exactly how you feel hun, I have thought that a lot lately. If I don't message people to arrange stuff nobody else does and I always feel I'm the one who txts first to see how people are and what they are up to. Gets me down sometimes😔

It makes me feel like a pest though! Constantly thinking of ways to start a ‘hi how are you?’ type message and I try to remember things that are going on in their lives, works issues, selling houses, kids starting new schools etc. I just don’t get any of that in return.

I’ve tried a couple of times to confide in people but it’s all a bit ‘ahh you’ll be ok! So did you hear about Tracy and Dan splitting up?.....’

I understand how you feel - I have felt this way too sometimes. You could bring this into conversation with them, talking about "a friend" where you feel you make all/most of the effort and it's making you feel bad, and seek their advice? And subsequently trial not contacting them and seeing how long it takes for them to get in touch? I've not contacted friends when very busy with other stuff, and they get in touch eventually - just longer than I would leave it. So I think my "threshold" for it "having been a while" since seeing each other is just lower. I am sure these factors are relevant for many of your friends. If you find some never contact you again then it is no great loss - but one of my friends took 2 years (!!!) to contact me seeking a catch-up - I was annoyed but gave her a chance, I learnt she had been through some stressful things meaning she hadn't reached out, and I still really like her.

My perspective is that people are flawed and we just have to decide for ourselves what flaws we can tolerate for the sake of having a good friendship circle.

I think there’s a lot of truth on everything you’ve all said.

It just hurts when it’s all of them, makes me wonder what’s wrong with me. 🤷‍♀️

I could have written this today. I seem to have been gradually cut out of friendship groups I thought I was part of.. now most people simply don't reply when I do message or call them. Friends who a few months ago were close blanked me today.
Honestly I'm so tired of analysing what I did wrong, why I deserve this... I know I don't get things right socially most of the time but I put so much effort in, im so tired and i don't want to take all the blame any more.
It's cruel what they've done.
It's my birthday soon and once again I'll have no one to celebrate with, probably no one will even remember. I don't want to spend another one in tears. Sometimes I don't see a way forward.

I think I might back off and see what happens. F all I imagine!

A couple of weeks ago I went out for dinner with two close friends and they actually arranged a get together with their families WHILST I WAS SAT THERE!

I mean we do all meet up in various combinations, not everyone has to be there all the time, but it’s usually organised separately. I found it spectacularly rude and hurtful to be done in front of me.

I think you might be me! I feel exactly the same. Always me saying are you free for lunch? shall we do coffee? etc and actually diarising these things only for people to sometimes cancel, or saying was that a firm arrangement. Even saying X could only meet then so you don't mind doing another date etc. Always me saying hi by text etc.

I wonder if you are local to me and we could wallow together over coffee!

I’m in Berkshire! :-)

Do you see these friends on school run/work or are they old friends from schooldays or similar?
When you see people on a daily basis it’s easier to do the social thing, much harder when it’s all text and message-based as someone has to initiate it. I am quite ‘on it’ to arrange, but I have put to bed the casual friends who make excuses not to meet up now. Some have gone from meeting with other couples regularly, to the odd coffee, to nothing. It had to be reciprocated.
People are so busy that it often comes down to priorities. They may have big families, illness, stressful jobs, problems with their kids, which means meeting up isn’t as important to them as it is to you.

I totally get what you are saying. I think some friendships get into the dynamic where one of the friends is always ‘making it happen’.

I have cut back on some friendships where it felt that I was always suggesting, organising etc. We are on good terms, just I match the effort they put in (occasional texts) and we will slowly drift apart.

Sometimes I will initiate a few times and then stop. Quite a few will begin initiating at that point. Otherwise I think it’s a sign that it is a ‘being casually friendly’ thing, not a friendship.

Sometimes, where I am aware that the dynamic goes the other way (I can be shy with new people), I try to make an effort to balance the initiating meet ups.

I have been in a relationship with someone who never initiated any activity. He even said openly that it was because he didn’t want to be responsible for if it didn’t go perfectly. I think it also has a lot to do with fear of rejection. I understand that (because I find it a bit scary too, putting yourself out there and suggesting things), but I don’t think that it is ok. By the end, I felt like I was constantly trying to think up options that would keep him happy.

A major factor in the decision to end it was realising how simple, straightforward, fun and relaxed the back and forth of setting up arrangements with other friends was.

Oh I'm about 100 miles away! We could do online coffee!!

I feel the same. What age are you? I find that most of my friends have kids and families and hang out with other families.
I didn’t call anyone on the BH weekend and I literally did not get one text.
I just felt shit that I have to constantly organise something and if I don’t then it’s like I don’t exsist. I could drop off the face of the planet and no one would notice.

I go through spates of trying really hard to connect with people and then sometimes I just give up and don’t bother leaving my house.

I’m late 30s, I think it’s a hard age, and everyone expects you to be doing what they’re doing, which is going to a bbq with your cousins because they all have same age kids. Depressing really

I feel the same most days. I have lost contact with an awful lot of people because i was always the one to initiate contact and arrange activities. When i got fed up an stopped being one arranging everything no one else bothered. These day apart from work/ family i dont receive any texts or calls. I ok most days but some times it is very lonely. I do sometimes wish someone would txt and invite me for coffee or simply just a hey are you ok?

I’m 36, and I have children and a husband so that’s not the reason we weren’t invited in favour of each other, I was literally just not invited!

Anyway I’ve spent the week sitting on my hands. I will indeed wait and see if anyone actually notices and gets in contact with me. I have quite a lonely job if you don’t make an effort to meet others (cm) so I will probably miss that.

PM’d you OP!

Thanks, I’ve replied

My job is the similar in the social aspect of i there is no real workplace socialization. Although i do have very brief conversations with others through the day my work place is very "clicky" and although ive been there over 5yrs I've never been included in any of them. My dp also works nights and i work days. So its home with the kids and once they're in bed its me and the tv!