To want to be a SAHM if I outearn DH

[GoAwayScaryVampire]

We have 3 DC. If anyone was going to do it, purely from an economics perspective, it makes more sense for him to give up work. However, he doesn’t want to be a SAHP. Also, being off work is helping hugely because it enables me to provide DS2 with much needed therapy which he needs for a developmental disorder. DH seems to struggle with the therapy so it’s down to me really. I can’t imagine how we will cope if/when I go back to work... 😞

Do what's right for your family of course. If you can afford it than it's irrelevant that you could earn more. Also if your DH doesn't want to be a sahp it's a recipe for disaster. It's hard enough when it's something you want.

How much do you each earn? Can you survive on his salary?

I'm planning to go back to work ft (or 4.5 days/week if we can afford it) and DH will be a SAHD even though I don't think this will be natural for either of us, but he is only on ~10k now and I am a higher rate taxpayer so it wouldn't make sense or be feasible the other way around unfortunately.

I suppose the first question is can you afford to live on your husband's salary? And what adjustments you would need to make to your lifestyle.

With regards to your middle child's therapy - is this something that school/nursery could do during the day? A meeting with a SENCo would be the place to start but schools and nurseries are usually very accommodating of additional needs.

What do you do for a job? Is it something you could get back into after several years break? Is part time an option for a while?

I'd look at all options/possibilities and then decide from there.

Thank you for your replies. We couldn’t afford to live on his salary as we are, but if we moved (back to his home country) we could. We have time to move and are considering it. He is on 31k working full time and I am on 59k (plus bonus) working part time. If I left I feel like there would be no going back. I would probably re-train and start a new career in a few years time. (Because where we would move to there are no jobs in my field).

Can you both drop a day each?

But yes my sons childcare could do the therapy... that’s a good point. I do feel he is progressing so much more with me focussed on it though.

Could he not go pt and you are pt so best of both worlds

I never hough dh would make a great sahd but he had to when made redundant. It was a rocky start but he got there. He did dc therapy which he would.have never done before, he did hw again which he hadn't done before. It opened both our eyes

I think your husband needs to get on board with the therapy! what if you fall ill or get hit by a bus

A colleague has 2 DC with additional needs. Both her and her DH work PT so they can share the care of their kids (no childcare setting will have them). Is that an option? It would be better for all of you, you'll have more money if you are working but your DH won't have to give up work. And when the kids get older and don't need so much care your standard of living will be much better because you won't have to start at the bottom of the career ladder again.

I have complete sympathy with your DH not wanting to be a SAHP (don't think you should give up your own financial security either) but he does need to step up and do the therapy for your middle child. What if something happened to you? He needs to be able to provide all the care they need.

Having a child with additional needs should help both of you when you request PT work. No company wants the hassle of recruiting when they don't have to, better to keep a good employee PT than have the leave thanks to stress.

Or have you looked into that MN favourite, having an au pair to help with the care of your middle child?

Just saw your relative salaries. So you earn double what he earns despite him working FT and you working PT. How PT are you? You'd be better going FT and employing staff to cover childcare and housework.

I think you’re trying to fix the problem of your sh not stepping up in a bad way - you have hugely better prospects and if you move to his home country, aren’t you tying yourself to someone that sounds a bit incompetent in general?