Sneery ignorers

[anotherchangeyname]

I'm not great socially. I have always found making friends difficult and find the school gate etiquette is a bit bewildering. I appear friendly and sociable and am always nice to people but don't get the finer points of game-play at all. DH is much better at noticing all of this.

A while back a mum was friendly then would blank me and appear sneery. No reason I could get. Anyhow DH said just ignore and don't give her the opportunity to do that again. This goes totally against my instinct to be friendly to everyone. Anyhow I did as he suggested. The next time I saw her, she appeared to be making an extra effort to be friendly. I honestly can't be bothered with this sort of gameplay, but wondered what other people's experiences are.

What led me to write this post is that DD is a bit different from her peers and DH noticed a couple of girls being a bit sneery after she'd run up to them to say hello much in the same friendly way that I would.

It breaks my heart thinking that DD will go through the same as me but I really don't know how to advise her.

It's a tough one, as there are so many reasons someone could appear to be blanking and being sneery - maybe they are just being a bitch, or maybe they're having a bad day, in a world of their own, not really paying attention to what's going on and have resting bitch face. Sometimes we could be totally misreading something and think someone is thinking one thing about us when actually they are thinking the opposite, or nothing at all. (I'm not saying the mum hasn't been horrible and off with you, just trying to see it from other possible angles). Personally I'd probably try and remain friendly but at a distance. So saying hi and smiling, but being breezy with it not really caring how she responds either way if that makes sense x

I think a lot of people who appear sneery or rude are actually quite shy and anxious themselves and probably try and avoid social interaction when they are feeling that way but may come across as rude.

Thank you. Re-reading my post, it wasn't totally clear. That was one example but it has consistently happened for my whole life and sometimes I'm sure that people are just having an off day, but often people are super friendly to others but blank me or are sneery. It was particularly bad when I was a teenager. I'm now concerned it's started happening to DD.

I appear friendly and sociable and am always nice to people
...
a mum was friendly then would blank me and appear sneery
...
DH said just ignore... This goes against my instinct to be friendly... Anyhow I did as he suggested.
...
The next time I saw her, she appeared to be making an extra effort to be friendly.

OP, it looks like both you and this mother have been alternating between seeming friendly and seeming standoffish/rude/"sneery". Perhaps you're in the same boat, each trying to second-guess the motives and "game play" of the other, and perhaps it would serve you both better to relax and see socialising as a mutually beneficial, casual, friendly thing and not this terrible complex, overwrought, opaque thing?

If i were you I would go back to being friendly. Why not?

Ive had this. When I moved a few years ago I really made an effort, and actually thought I’d got off on the right foot with a group of mums, the group of mums turned out not to be very nice, they invited me out for breakfast with them all and completely stood me up, then they would say hello, ignore me, then say hello and it really upset me to begin with.

Now, im not going to say that my way is the right or wrong way, but if I’ve got the time, I’ll smile and make sure I meet their gaze, and say Morning!! Quite cheerfully. They just HAVE to say it back.

I won’t let them ignore me though as time has moved on, I’ve learnt a bit about them, and they all seem to have quite a lot on in their lives, and I judge them far less, maybe their time walking into school and out of school is the only time they allow themselves to think of themselves and their situations.

Hey sometimes some of the mums on my school run will say hi one morning and not the other. I just take it with a pinch of salt, I only have to see these people for a few minutes a day or in passing.

another I'm probably one of the people you're talking about. I don't mean to do it, but a lot of the time, I just can't be bothered. I'll be extremely friendly one day, and then I might avoid your gaze/answer you with clipped, one word replies the next.
I find it best if you catch someone's eye to just say 'morning' and smile. If they're not in the mood, they can just say 'morning' back and turn away, if they're up for a chat, they can come over. Particularly on the school run, you're going to be seeing the worst of people, with mostly only one coffee in them, and probably still hazy and tired. I'm sure it's nothing personal.

Perhaps you're in the same boat, each trying to second-guess the motives and "game play" of the other, and perhaps it would serve you both better to relax and see socialising as a mutually beneficial, casual, friendly thing
This is the first time in my life that I tried this sort of gameplay. I was astounded at the result. It's not me so I did go back to my usual friendly self. It was a revelation to me.

I don't, as a rule, like to attribute bad motives to people unless there's good evidence to suspect that. Picture this from the other way around.

"There's a mum at school who I know by sight and she's generally really friendly and seems nice but we don't know each other closely at all; the other morning [I was in a bad mood/feeling poorly/the dog had been sick on the carpet and i had to rush off] so when she said hello it didn't really register and i didn't have time to stop anyway and i'm sure i came off very rude, because the next time I saw her she was very cool with me. I don't want to cause any bad feeling, what should i do?"

Most people aren't (really, truly!) out to get you/catch you out/play a game.

And don’t change please. I actually smile at everyone, and say morning, there are quite a few parents who I know now to say Morning or share a smile with some people are a bit grumpy, but it’s really nice in the morning or afternoon when I see parents- often don’t even have children in the same year as my DD. Just give it some time, it’s taken a while, but it’s nice when it falls into place.,

I suspect a lot of people might seem sneers when they are just preoccupied or lost in thought. I know there are some horrible people about but generally people don’t go around sneering at others. School gates are busy places - I wouldn’t read too much into things

I have always had this, throughout my life and was recently diagnosed with Aspergers. As a female, I had typically masked and tried, chameleon like, to morph/fit in. It works, up to a point. Friends who know me well have swung between “no way” and “well, that was obvious!” In their reactions to my diagnosis.

All I’m saying is, you made be like me (and so, so many women) and would benefit from a chat with your gp if it is a problem. I needed to know, as a validation for my awkwardness, trying to socialise but being utterly exhausted by it and never really “getting” the finer points.

Alternatively, maybe you each give signals of pseudo-friendly behaviour but the lack of consistency just means one or the other or both, just don’t want to go beyond school gate niceties. Perhaps you caught this particular woman on an off day?

My DDs used to go to a primary school like this, I was often ignored as was older DD - kids behave the way they see their parents behave. You just give a smile and move on, its very sad that a lot of people (and therefore their kids) dont value or make warm friendships they are only friendly if there is something in it for them.

I am wise to it now, being a mum to young children 10 years ago if you see what I mean truly opened my eyes to how "friendships" worked I think I was a bit clueless before then, and now I have much nicer and stronger relationships. However my eldest DD is always hurt and bewildered when people are cold, she'd never do it to anyone, she thinks it must be something wrong with her. I think on Mumsnet the default on these threads is to say "oh I am sure they don't mean it" but you know, I am sure they do!!

Just distance yourself, smile and nod, move on and encourage your DD to look elsewhere for friends.

As well as having a bad day/shy some people are just bitches/sneers/bitchy - you only have to look at the boards here to see that - there are whole threads ripping apart interior design tastes or fashion choices.

Make the most of the good people you come across and teach your daughter the same. Push your thoughts and feelings about the sneery lot aside and accept that we can’t all be friends with everyone. I’d rather have a smile and a hello for everyone I come across rather than feeling the need to evaluate and isolate people. If being exclusive makes them happy so be it but don’t let it be a club you want to be part of. Chin up, lovely, the school years don’t last forever.

I think it’s best not to second guess people. I always try to be polite and cheerful to everyone. If someone wants to be rude or that’s on them not me. I’m not going to let someone else bad manners change me.

It's probably nothing to do with you - she might have been having a stressful day. Try not to overthink it.

GateauChateau Thank you.
AuntieJackie I think you are probably spot on. Have done online tests etc. Wish I found friendships as simple as maths, coding etc! I guess next step could be GP.

I second those saying don't judge on a teeny tiny slice of someone's interactions with you.

I mean this in a nice way, but the vast majority of people at school drop offs aren't thinking anything of you five minutes later - whether you were smiley and friendly with them, or whether you blanked them, or didn't say hi!

Keep on being friendly (and the tip about a friendly 'morning' that leaves you open for either chat or a polite reply and nothing else is a good one). With your daughter, keep encouraging her to be friendly and open - but not to ovethink!

anotherchange, don’t get me wrong, I’m very capable to joining in but, I need a day off the next day, to get over it! I was in a career requiring strong social skills and empathy and managed to perform well. However, I wouldn’t really enjoy the out of work get togethers and would rather be at home with a 🍷 watching Netflix, than in a social setting “working”.

I like knowing my diagnosis. It lets me off the hook for all the years people thought me different/aloof/quiet. My son has autism and if we can now have conversations about “we’re very alike and it’s not a bad thing, just different”.

Speaking of Netflix.....OZARK is back! Second season. Brilliant. Just saying 😊

I think a very common attribute of people who are socially anxious is that they think other people are thinking about them/noticing every little thing they say and do/silently judging them at all times. To be honest, everyone is mostly thinking about themselves or their immediate world 99% of the time. So while you are aware of them when you pass at the school gate (because you are always hyper aware of others during social interaction, however minimal the contact), others aren’t noticing or thinking about you at all. I don’t mean this in a bitchy or cruel way. More in a, try to stop worrying about what others are thinking about you, because they most likely aren’t! If you feel like being friendly, do. If you feel quiet or not chatty, do that. Really no one notices or cares.

Ive had issues before where people have thought I was being snobby, sneery or blanking them at my older 2 kids primary schools.

The truth was a mixture of things. I worked night shifts and by that time all I could think about was bed. I sometimes just don't recognise faces, it takes me a good few conversations before I might reliably recognise new people and I'm fucked if they change their clothes or hair a lot. And I've never been too bothered about getting too involved in school gate cliques so whilst I'll say hi to anyone, I don't usually take it much further.

Maybe she wasn't being sneery, maybe she just has a resting bitch face

Sorry, but the way you described running up to say hello made me think of a friendly dog!

Sometimes people just aren’t in the mood, I don’t think it’s fair to decide she’s sneery and rude. I’m not the most sociable person and while some days I am perfectly friendly, other days I really can’t be bothered and would want to drop my child off and leave in peace. I don’t need to chat every single day!

It’s nice your DD is so friendly but people don’t always want to be approached.

Another Asperger's mum here and I too can relate. Find other mums like yourself then don't worry about the rest, it just isn't worth the constant social rules calibrations and confusion.

I always think (and feel) like the “new girl”. I moved around a good deal for work and my DH did too. I usually felt that people already HAD their little cliques and friendship groups.