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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not include her

22 replies

shelfqueen · 14/09/2018 01:40

I've been beat friends with A since school. We have spent the last 16 years boozing, going to festivals and basically having a good time.

She is single. I got married last year and have a baby.

She just doesn't get it. Despite being my best friend she's seen him twice. Once was down the pub and the 2nd time was when he was 3/4 weeks old and screaming. I was really stressed and I know having a baby is my choice she didn't help at all. (I had a screaming baby and offer

OP posts:
Original poster
shelfqueen · 14/09/2018 01:44

Shit!

I had a screaming baby and offered her a drink which she accepted so I had to make a drink while comforting a baby. Usually I would say "why didn't u ask her to make a drink or hold the baby" and looking back
I should have. But she had been to my house 100 times.

Annyway that's not the point. She's a best friend who I invite to everything.

My new mum friend invited me out. Would I be unreasonable not to invite my best friend

OP posts:
Original poster
shelfqueen · 14/09/2018 01:47

I've had a beer. I'm not Sharon nor does my husband do the T. rex. And there's no wasps on my kitchen.

I've also cancelled the cheque

OP posts:
ConsiderHerWaysAndOthers · 14/09/2018 01:52

You are allowed to go out without this friend. If the new Mum friend doesn’t know your old friend and has only invited you then it would be bizarre to bring her along. But your friend doesn’t have to get your baby, maybe she doesn’t like kids, maybe she didn’t want to hold the baby, maybe she’s just clueless about what it’s like with a newborn. It’s up to you whether or not you feel you’ve outgrown friendship but the relationship is supposed to be with you, not your baby.

HirplesWithHaggis · 14/09/2018 01:53

No, yanbu. You're at a different life stage now from your friend, and will make new friends, "mum friends" as you say. The two don't usually mix. Doesn't mean you can't see your old friend too, when you're both available (and you have a babysitter...)

theworldistoosmall · 14/09/2018 01:54

Regardless of what a person may have or not done, you dont invite other people along to something that you haven't organised. The new mum has invited you, not you and anyone else you decide to drag along.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/09/2018 02:03

:She didn't help at all"
She's not obliged to. She's your friend not your nanny.

Original poster
shelfqueen · 14/09/2018 02:04

The new mum friend bought her friend along today. It was lovely.

Maybe it's best to keep friends away from mum friends.

Just feel like my life has changed and a lot
Of non mum friends embrace it as they want kids. This mum friend doesn't want kids so
It's hard to arrange what to do which suits both lifestyles

OP posts:
Original poster
shelfqueen · 14/09/2018 02:13

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

Ordinarily I'd agree - not her responsibility. But previously she had helped herself to stuff in my house and basically lived there. Same with my parents houses. so me having a screaming baby I would assume she would be like "I know where the cups are I'll get them" but no

OP posts:
Ffiffime · 14/09/2018 06:26

Why can’t you have separate groups of friends? Why do you think you have to invite your friend along with your mum friend?

I have a group of work friends, I have a group of school mum friends and I have a group of other mum friends. I don’t invite each group along to a get together with another friend group?!??

AJPTaylor · 14/09/2018 06:30

As pp, its normal in my world to have different groups of friends.

GinIsIn · 14/09/2018 06:31

That’s a really disproportionate thing to be annoyed with your friend about.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/09/2018 06:44

Separate friends, mixing isn’t going to work. In an ideal world your friend should have offered to make the drink so that you could comfort your baby. But she didn’t. She’s perhaps not tuned into babies in the same way you are.

LooLaaToo · 14/09/2018 06:54

It's pretty normal to have seperate groups of friends. None of my 'mum' friends cross over to other friends. Partly because the only thing you have in common is the fact you gave birth at the same time. You may go on to have 'proper' friendships with them but IME, most of these friendships fizzle out as they're based on not much more than children. Your best friend and yourself have a shared history and lots in common and I can assure you there will be times when you'll be grateful to have that relationship so my advice would be to just look for other ways to make it work. You're at different life stages so you'll both have to compromise.

I wouldn't judge her for not seeing your baby. I'm sure he's lovely but not everyone is into babies. Or maybe she doesn't know what to do around them. I'd try and make time to see her without your baby.

Playgroundmedic · 14/09/2018 06:54

It's completely natural that when you have a child your priorities (and friendships) change. Some friends fit in well with your new family, others don't at all, or perhaps you don't see so much of them anymore. Your baby MUST come first. You will make many, many more friends over the years, and if your friendship with her is meant to last, it will. I

Ellisandra · 14/09/2018 07:01

Bit weird that you are even asking about inviting this friend. You don’t have to you know.

I can actually imagine the screaming baby / drink thing in a less dakning way. If you don’t know anything about babies then you can be forgiven for thinking that crying and needing comforting is just what they do - so you multi-tasking getting a drink and comforting at the same time wasn’t a big deal that you needed help with. Maybe precisely because she had been to your house 100x she knew if you could do both, you’d tell her to get her own drink? You surely weren’t mixing complicated cocktails? It’s not hard to stick a kettle on to boil whilst totes up jiggling a baby anyway. I’m not saying it wouldn’t have been better for her to step in - just I can see it more neutrally too.

Don’t invite her as there’s no need.
But be careful not to distance yourself too much from non mother friends.
You may reach a stage when your old friend is a lovely break from friends who talk about nothing but child stuff!

Izzygrey · 14/09/2018 07:03

I have a similar situation with a friend of mine but I am trying to accept that just because my life has changed, doesn't mean hers has too. I wasn't particularly interested in visiting babies before I had my own so I understand why some people who are in a totally different stage of their life might not be rushing round to coo over my little one. She doesn't have to change and you don't have to go back to how you were. I don't imagine she would really have much fun hanging round with a mum friend of yours so I wouldn't invite her but I do think if you want to maintain a relationship with this friend then you might need to make some effort to do some baby-free stuff with her if and when you have time. That's what I've realised I need to do with my friend like this anyway. Otherwise the friendship might fizzle out?

LEMtheoriginal · 14/09/2018 07:09

Ask yourself how you would feel if your friend went out with a new friend that you hadn't met?

Of course you wouldn't be bothered!

There is your answer - your friend would honestly not want to tag along and listen to talk of cutting teeth, nappies etc.

We all move on - enjoy your baby and making new friends.

XXcstatic · 14/09/2018 07:18

Your baby MUST come first

How the fuck is the baby going to be affected by the OP going for a drink with an old friend (or not)? Confused

Having a baby does not require you to give up all pleasure and friendship - you may be confusing it with joining a convent Wink. Once she is through the tinies stage, the OP may be bloody glad that she still has non-Mum friends.

TheLastNigel · 14/09/2018 07:38

Friendships do change when you have babies. But try your best to keep in touch with this friend and when you do try not to talk about your kid all the time. At some point you will be out of the baby fog and what you will most want in the work is a night off from it and that's where said friend will come in handy.

Gersemi · 14/09/2018 07:47

You're putting a quite extraordinary amount of weight on one incident when your friend was a bit thoughtless. Are you sure that, during the course of your friendship, you have never, ever done something a tiny bit thoughtless? No-one's perfect.

NonaGrey · 14/09/2018 07:59

I have:
Old school friends
Work friends (different groups from different workplaces)
NCT friends
Baby friends
School gate friends
Hobby friends

All separate groups, with hardly any crossover. With the exception of big events like my wedding or my fortieth they never meet.

My best friend has similar groups in her own life. It’s quite normal.

MumW · 14/09/2018 08:50

Your friend isn't into babies. I'm sure she wouldn't want to meet up with a load of new mums.

You obviously aren't going to be going to weekend festivals etc but there is nothing to stop you going out to the pub with her once in a while leaving DC with Dad.

As you get older and your lives change, you gather friends from different areas/aspects of your life. School/uni/work/hobbies/mums & tots etc. Just meet up with the groups separately. They don't have to interact with each other.

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