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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit hurt

16 replies

annikin · 13/09/2018 23:10

There's a group of mums at the school gate that I chat with, and occasionally go to coffee with (usually I suggest it to one, and others join in, so presumably they don't hate the idea of going to coffee with me). I know they meet up with each other more than with me, but it's never been quite as obvious as today. I was standing right there chatting with them, and they were discussing arrangements for two separate nights out with each other.

It's my dd's birthday soon, and after seeing a couple of threads on here about excluding children, I've been agonising over which of their children to invite without upsetting anyone (limited places/budget), but here they are happily discussing nights out excluding me without a second's thought...

I suppose I've always known they meet up with each other more than I see them, and I don't really like going out and getting pissed (not my scene), so it's probably very unreasonable of me, but it just would have been nice to have been asked. Is it very unreasonable to feel hurt by this?

Also is it unreasonable to try so hard to not exclude their children when they are happy to exclude me?

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 13/09/2018 23:12

'Also is it unreasonable to try so hard to not exclude their children when they are happy to exclude me?'

No I'd see their dc as a completely separate entity.

Nothing to do with mums nights out.

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 13/09/2018 23:17

I suppose I've always known they meet up with each other more than I see them, and I don't really like going out and getting pissed (not my scene), so it's probably very unreasonable of me, but it just would have been nice to have been asked. Is it very unreasonable to feel hurt by this?

Well yeah, it is U. For all you know they are friends outside of the school gate, could have known each other for years. Even if not, you say you don't like to socialise in that way so why would you want invites anyway?

I once had a women tell me I was cliquey because I spoke to the same few women at picking up time all the time and didn't invite others into my "clique". I was bemused until I realised she meant my sister and my work colleague/friend (also a friend of my sister)!

KeepServingTheDrinks · 13/09/2018 23:17

They might have know each other longer than they have known you.

Or, maybe their kids do extra-curricular activities.

There could be loads of reasons. It would be mean, I think, to take out your hurt with adults on their children.

MatildaTheCat · 13/09/2018 23:18

You and your children are entirely separate. Your friends must know that a) you are on a tight budget and b) you dislike boozey nights out. So on that basis why invite you? They meet you for the type of gathering that suits you, like coffee.

Your own child’s party should 100% not reflect any of this. Try to accommodate the friends if at all possible even if it keeps the party modest.

Blameanamechange · 13/09/2018 23:20

I'd prob feel a bit hurt too. I honestly think that people are thoughless and weird these days. Maybe you should say oh where are going then? Anywhere exciting? They might ask if you want to go then. A friend and I were at an exercise class last week and we usually go for a quick drink after. As we were about to leave she told me she couldn't go as she meeting some other mums down the pub but she didn't ask me= I was like Hmm but didn't say anything so I know just how you feel! Agree that the dcs thing is seperate issue though.

Original poster
annikin · 13/09/2018 23:21

Just to clarify, I'm not talking about deliberately being mean to their children, just not feeling so bad about the fact I can't invite them all...

And no, they haven't known each other longer, in fact at least half the group has known me longer than they have known the other half.

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 13/09/2018 23:22

I my exoerience if you want to "break into" a friendship group (for want of a better term) pick one mum and make arrangements to meet her for a coffee/drinks. Then build your friendship with that one.

They are entitled to have friendships you are not part of though. However YANBU to feel hurt.

Havaina · 13/09/2018 23:23

I don't think OP sounds like the type of person who takes hurt out on children.

OP, whilst I think I would keep adult and children dynamics separate, you should not feel that you have to prioritise these women's dc because of your friendship/acquaintanceship with these women. You should invite who your dd wants. Just be careful not to leave out a minority of dc. E.g. Don't invite the whole class and leave out 2 girls.

EleanorRoseM · 13/09/2018 23:26

But if your dd is school age why are you inviting anyone to her birthday? Don’t you just set a limit/budget and let her invite her own friends?

Strongmummy · 13/09/2018 23:30

On the basis you don’t like drinking perhaps they don’t think you’d enjoy the nights out? Perhaps they enjoy coffee with you but wouldn’t enjoy going out in the evening with you? I think yanbu to feel hurt, but they are really under no obligation to ask you.

Strongmummy · 13/09/2018 23:32

And I agree with others, your dd is the one who decides who she wants at her birthday. It has nothing to do with your friendship group

Original poster
annikin · 13/09/2018 23:34

EleanorRoseM it's a joint effort. She is still quite young, so we discuss it. She certainly has input (a lot!), but it's not all her decision as she would not be able to foresee problems that might arise.

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 13/09/2018 23:39

Ok I read your latest update after posting- sorry.

They sound a bit nasty but also of you don't like going out nd they know that then perhaos they dont invite you for that reason ad over the months/years they have gotten closer. I dont really jndersta d why you cant go out and not get pissed. I also don't really understand why you are hurt they have nights out planned thag you didn't know about if you don't like nights out.

powerwalk · 13/09/2018 23:44

In a word. Welcome to the school gate.
As a long standing member and I have been on both sides, as most parents will be before the experience draws to a close.
Take it all with a pinch of salt. These people are transient at best. You might meet one or two special friends, the rest wlll just pass right on through.
Don’t feel hurt. Don’t get drawn in. Be comfortable that this isn’t your scene and remain relaxed.
These are unlikely to be life long friends op, so enjoy your coffees with them and stay neutral and support your child and their schooling.
You will soon be out of primary and away from the politics of the gate! It is over in a twinkling of an eye 👁

Original poster
annikin · 13/09/2018 23:49

GarethSouthgatesMrs they know I don't usually drink, but I've never said I didn't want to go out. I quite like a nice meal out...!

But anyway, I guess I'm being oversensitive, fair enough! I just wasn't quite sure where to look at the time - whether I should walk away, show an interest, or what!

OP posts:
Original poster
annikin · 13/09/2018 23:50

Never said to them that I didn't want to go out. I know I've said it here!

OP posts:
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