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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ok iabu but help me calm down

20 replies

SkintAndConfused · 13/09/2018 22:53

I get so stressed and annoyed when my partner is out with his friends all night and I’m sat in alone but can’t leave the house because DC are in bed (not his)

I know this is unreasonable but I can’t seem to stop feeling it

It’s probably a bit of jealousy (although I don’t feel jealous I’m sure subconsciously that’s somewhere) and a lot of loneliness

Feel free to tell me to get a gripConfused but if anyone else has had these feelings could anyone share the best way to productively deal with them? So I don’t end up moody and snappy

I have bad anxiety which I’m sure exasperates everything

It’s fine during the day it’s usually when it gets late I start getting agitated Sad

OP posts:
fairypuff · 13/09/2018 22:57

I love getting time to myself when dh is out so I can catch up on box sets! Find a good tv show is my advice!

Purpleartichoke · 13/09/2018 23:03

Are you really upset about the fact that you and your partner are at different stages of life? Are you perhaps really worried that you may not successfully navigate that difference?

Creeper8 · 13/09/2018 23:03

ofcourse yabu but you know it! no advice im afraid

Original poster
SkintAndConfused · 13/09/2018 23:03

Also we aren’t a couple who lives together or spends every waking moment together but he stays maybe 2-3 nights a week and this happens on those nights

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 13/09/2018 23:04

Why is he out "all night" ?

Original poster
SkintAndConfused · 13/09/2018 23:04

purpleartichoke Seeing it in writing I can absolutely believe that’s a big part of it

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 13/09/2018 23:05

Right so you only see him 2-3 times a week and one of these nights he fucks off out with his mates all night? As in every week?

stargazer2030 · 13/09/2018 23:05

I love nights on my own. Netflix is the answer. Get a nice bottle of wine, comfy pj's and binge watch something he would hate. Think of it as a positive.

Creeper8 · 13/09/2018 23:07

why cant he go out all night crunchymum? lots of my female friends are out clubbing all night and its mainly every weekend.

SodTheBloodyLotOfThem · 13/09/2018 23:07

Do you mean he stays at his place 4 or 5 nights a week, then a couple of times he goes out with his friends then rolls back to yours for a late night bunk up? Is there more to your relationship than this??

moofolk · 13/09/2018 23:08

He's out all night on a night he stays with you? YANBU. I'd be well pissed off!

Original poster
SkintAndConfused · 13/09/2018 23:14

Thanks for the suggestions I’ll stick Netflix on and try to distract myself

By ‘all night’ I mean until about 1-1:30am they’re usually in the local pub chatting and playing pool, which I understand a lot of guys do

He does stay in with me maybe one of the nights, and if the DC are ever with their dad he spends all that time with me unless he’s at work (and he does work hard all week). But I think he views sleeping in the same bed together when he gets in the same as spending time together Blush

But also I’m willing to admit I am “needy” as a person and need to learn to enjoy my own space

OP posts:
SodTheBloodyLotOfThem · 14/09/2018 01:57

You're not needy, this idiot is mugging you off big style. You're right at the bottom of his pecking order behind work and mates.

delphguelph · 14/09/2018 02:11

The words cake and eating it spring to mind tbh

So you basically spend one night per week actually together?

junebirthdaygirl · 14/09/2018 02:13

No way is his behaviour ok. In the begining it looked like you were being needy as l thought ye lived together. But come on! He comes over to stay and heads out. Whats the point of that relationship? You would be better off on your own as not wasting energy waiting for him to come in. No way would l want a guy coming in to my house at 1.30 in the morning with drink on and my dc in bed and me in bed.
Tell him to stay at his own place unless he is coming to see you. But better than that dump him as he is adding nothing to your life.A very odd time might be ok but regularly...not a chance.
No wonder you are anxious but more than likely you are just normal and need to listen to your own heart.

TheDowagerCuntess · 14/09/2018 02:17

The fact that he's pitching up at your place after one of these nights is outrageous!!

Why doesn't he just stay at his own place?

Then you wouldn't even really be aware that he was out, so less of the worrying and anxiety, surely.

No way would I want some drunk lump arriving at my place at that hour to snore their head off next to me in bed. Confused

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2018 02:20

Op, get some adult colouring bookings and a set of gel pens or coloured pencils! They help SO MUCH with anxiety and they're a lot of fun.

BTW, by "adult" I don't mean sexual/inappropriate, they are just books with more elaborate, detailed designs. Just wanted to make that clear if you weren't familiar with them. Grin

dragonflyflew · 14/09/2018 02:24

Cheeky git! Get rid, especially if it's impacting on your anxiety.if he's staying at yours he should be with you.

TheDowagerCuntess · 14/09/2018 02:35

Honestly - the advice for this issue isn't [way to distract yourself while DP/H has a quite reasonable night out].

It's - you should be seriously considering this relationship.

TawnyTeal · 14/09/2018 03:40

So twice a week he is going out drinking until 1am, then coming back to yours just to sleep (have sex?) before work the next morning? Waking you up, possibly waking or disturbing your children? Counting that as “quality time” within the relationship?

NO WAY!

Surely he could be doing his drinking, socialising and staying out til 1am on the nights he isn’t with you? I don’t think that is in the least bit fair on you or appropriate for your relationship.

You deserve more.....

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