To expect adult dc to let me know when they are due home?

[dreh]

Hi I have a 20 yo daughter at home who is in pt education pt study. Aibu to wish she would let me know she got to places okay and when she will be home?? Just curious if this is bit ott or acceptable. She gets me worried when she isn't home after work and isn't home for 5 hours and never said anything. I prepare dinner and stuff so I o think about her. Don't know if I'm just needy though

YANBU to worry but it used to really annoy me when my mum hassled me about timings/ curfews

The worry must be awful but I think at 20 she perhaps thinks she is past checking in with you. Do you ever text her first?

No, I agree OP and I only write this as I was the same as a young adult. It was only when I came back from travelling the world (alone), that I appreciated what a simple thing it was to tell my mum that I was either staying out overnight, or that I'd be late or whatever.

It's a simple courtesy, but I only got that she wasn't trying to check up on me when I realised that nobody was around to check on me (if you get what I mean).

Just explain that you'd appreciate a courtesy message, she doesn't necessarily have to tell you where she is but that she's not coming home or will be late so you don't have to put yourself out or worry.

She is an adult, you need to loosen the reins a bit, I imagine at her age she wants a private life that is just for her and might not always want to say where she is and who she is with...

You could chat with her and tell her that you worry about her, but at 20years old she is an adult

I have an 18 year old, and much as it pains me, I don't expect her to tell me tbh.

Sometimes she'll text, sometimes not. She always texts/rings if staying overnight though (after I had a frantic/worried morning once last year).

She's off to university next week so I've been preparing myself for never knowing anything

It’s common courtesy if they’re living in your home. Not hard to text: “Going to x’s tonight. See you tomorrow”. Would you accept your partner not telling you that they’re staying out? DS has always known that I would never try to prevent him going anywhere; I just expect to be told he’s not coming home.

I think common courtesy. I expect at least something off adult dc. I don't need to know details just a simple text - out from work- don't do tea or not coming home tonight etc. If not when do you start to worry?

I think the only thing she needs to let you know is if she's home for dinner, or else you could just let her feed herself and not cook for her. You're saying you worry if she doesn't come home for a few hours after work, she's 20...

When DC were home from Uni I asked them to let me know if they'd be late etc. I told them I realised it might sound daft as when they were away I didn't know what they were up to but they understood that when they were home I'd worry if they were late.

I used to send my mum a text if I wasn't coming home from work at night when I still lived at home. But I'd never tell her I got to work alright!

I think it’s common courtesy to let you know if she’s not going to be home for dinner, or not home for the night.

My dd 24 and ds 30 are living at home at the moment and it's just normal for us to text each other if we will be late/Not home that night. It saves whoever s cooking not knowing who won't need food. It's just courtesy when you live together. I don't want the ins and outs of their lives but a quick text like dw won't be back tonight see you tomorrow takes 30 seconds to send so YANBU

I expect a quick text from mine to let me know if they aren't coming home that night so I don't worry about them. I don't cook for them unless they tell me they'll be home.

Not unreasonable to say when to expect her home/if she's staying out late/overnight. I do think letting you know when she arrives places safely is ott, unless it's a particularly long/difficult journey.

I don’t expect my 18 yr old to tell me she got places... but I do harass her by text if she’s out late and hasn’t let me know.

I’m not bothered if she’s out late, just need to know she’s out late on purpose and not because something has happened to her.

My Dd is 17, she doesn't have a curfew, but I expect a rough time of when she'll be home.
I don't bother doing her food if she's not around at meal time, she can sort her own out, it's more the worry thing, as has been mentioned.
She went out at midnight the other week and came in at 5am, absolutely fine as I knew.

If my adult DS is travelling I expect some proof of life every day and he wants the same from me if I'm travelling / on holiday. I do think your DD could send you a quick text - do you want to know she's safe or who she's with or is it a dinner prep thing? I just leave a covered up dinner in the fridge so dinner is not held up. A quick "out with Cindy, staying at her gaff" is just polite really.

And of course she needs to yell me if she's staying out.
I'm fine with it, but if I don't know I've visions of her being chopped up and made into stir fry.

YANBU. She is an adult but you are sharing a house and a life.
It’s common courtesy to let EACH OTHER know if you will be around for meals or not coming home until later/ staying elsewhere that night .
However; at that age I wouldn’t expect to know exactly where she is or if she has got to a familiar destination safely.

If she is going away to a strange place or has a long unfamiliar drive or similar I would ask for a call to let me know she is safe, and probably a text to say she’s on her way back (and if she will have eaten before she gets back) but not for everyday journeys.

I agree it's courtesy regardless of age. I expect to know if DH is going to be back for dinner, back late or is staying out. I expect the same of DC and I also let my family know what my plans are. Then nobody is waiting around for, or worrying about, anyone else

Mine's 20 and doesn't let me know if she's coming home or staying out . I've given up making dinner for her.

I go under the assumption that if anything has happened I'll find out soon enough . I still worry though.

My DM has always asked us to text when we've got to a location after a long journey or when I've been staying at hers and expect to be late out. I've never had a problem with it.

The only time I never text to say I was staying late out was when I was out with my sister and we completely lost track of time. My mum called as we were making our way back to hers as she got up to realise we were back and was understandably worried. Never got annoyed that she called and apologised profusely for making her worry. Texting with a time is just common courtesy really.

However there's a line between a quick text so you know and dont worry and constantly checking up. My DM said her parents would constantly check up and demand she was home by a set time when she temporarily moved back home (long story not needed) and she accepted never to do that to us. She just worries like any good parent does.

I' d expect any adult living in my home to text saying they'd come later then expected. It's nothing to do with her being you DD, it's just what people who live together do in order to be considerate or to avoid situations like you making dinner for 4 when you'll only have 3 people to serve for example. Common courtesy.