Is DH unreasonable for forcing DS to quit his paper round??

[evensd]

Our DS is 14 and is extremely driven to work hard. I don't honestly know where it comes from! We work but we love a day off and might complain once in a while about our jobs

DS started with a paper round at 13, it's 5 mornings a week, the guy will give him leaflets to do in the afternoon if he wants for extra money. I know there's set rules on hours they can work but most of his jobs are private arrangements.

He feeds some guinea pigs on the weekend, cuts the grass for someone else on the Saturday. Volunteers for the wildlife trust young people's bit on Saturday afternoon.

He doesn't show any sign of tiredness and thrives off it. Doesn't see his mates much out of school but it doesn't seem to bother him.

DH has made him quit his paper round which means the leaflets too and apparently it's "not negotiable".

He's in the wrong, isn't he?

If it’s not affecting his school work or any other parts of his life, then yes DH is unreasonable. Unless he can back his decision with evidence, rather than just a personal opinion?

Seems an odd dynamic in your house if your husband can make a decision and it be not negotiated.

He does know it's 2018 and not 1918, right?

Your ds sounds great. Your dh is being U.

Your son sounds awesome. Good for him!

Has dh offered an an alternative source of income?

Does your H like throwing his weight about? Is this a matter of him seeing his son grow up and being desperate to make it clear that H is still the lord and master of the household and must be obeyed? If it's that, then simply ignore him till he gets some sense.

If he does have a valid reason, he still needs you and DS to point out to him that he is not the boss and owner of the rest of you, and that 'non-negotiatble' is not something he gets to decide by himself.

Why is it non-negotiable? Is he refusing to let your DS leave the house? He's 14, not 4. His work ethic is admirable and if it's not interfering with his school work and grades then let him get on with it.

Your H sounds rather controlling. Why is it his decision and why does your DS have no say?

Has dh offered an an alternative source of income?

Why does he think it’s too much ? What does your dh want him to do with the time instead .

How come he decides everything in your house ?

If my dh had put his foot down like this there would have been a bloody good reason and i wouldn't have gone against it.

Blimey! Thank goodness we’ve left the 1950!

DH is bonkers.

Im not sure you have to wait until your child's school work is negatively impacted to act, I think you can anticipate that it might. My parents did something similar with me (I was working 12+ hrs a week) and they were right although I was resistant at the time.

Personally I'd ask my dc what they wanted to drop rather than telling them though.

But others have said, no rational person would say your dh is being reasonable or unreasonable without further information.

Wow your son sounds amazing! I'd be so proud if my son was an industrious as that!

My opinion would be that as long as his school work isn't suffering he should keep on doing what he's doing.

Plenty of kids that age spend every spare hour doing sports related stuff so I don't see a problem.

If your DS is happy to do these things and they don't affect his school work, then your DH is being ridiculous. There aren't any safety concerns that he doesn't want to mention are there? None of these people he's working for abusive in any way?

Otherwise, the paperound sounds great, if he can manage to get up OK on a morning. Many teens will just spend that time lounging in bed on their phones, so he's using the time to earn some money and get fresh air and exercise to wake him up for school. What's not to like.

And the grass cutting, guinea pig feeding and wildlife trust stuff sounds as much like hobbies/activities as work if that's what he's into, plus the bonus of being paid for it, and he'll have a great selection of stuff to add to personal statements for job/uni applications and people to give him references when the time comes.

I know there's always the concerns about schoolwork, but how many teens really spend so much time on their schoolwork that they don't have time for a bit of paid work, especially if they find it enjoyable. There's plenty of less constructive stuff that many will spend their time on - screens/gaming or hanging round the park benches being the obvious ones.

Unless there is more to this, I think your DH has been very unreasonable. It's great that your DS is so enterprising and if he's thriving, what's the big deal? It's not that much and some kids really do well with lots of commitments + it teaches them to prioritise well, see things from a practical angle and all sorts of "outside the square" things. It might be too much for your DH if HE did all the things your DS does, but everyone is different, so what's his problem?

I can sort of relate (to your DS) - my DSis and I did lots of things outside school, hardly ever saw our school friends outside school and weren't bothered by it. My BIL grew up completely opposite, school and homework alone were supposedly enough pressure already according to his parents so he just lazed around after school once homework was done. My DH's parents tried same w DH when he was a teenager, as BIL's family did with BIL (obviously unknown to each other), but DH resisted and pursued his interests seriously (a sport), so they left him alone. Nobody's schoolwork suffered while still at school, but, let's just say it is very apparent now that we are all adults - my DSis, DH and I are all busy, enterprising adults, happy juggling priorities, etc. BIL on the other hand is 9-5job man who does zilch outside that and life's always just too hard.

You must be really proud of him. Could you negotiate that he does it during the hols? I'd be encouraging him

It sounds unfair unless there is a good reason. If DS isn't keeping up with his school work or is overtired. You mention he doesnt have much of a social life. Is this due to all his working? Could your H be concerned about that?
I don't like this non negotiable business. He should have talked it over with you. And he should be willing to negotiate with DS. Working hard is a good thing and he should see that. If he is concerned they could come to some sort of compromise.
I would be tempted to tell him that he is not the Lord and Master of the house and you wont support him one bit unless he climbs down off his high horse, explains himself and offers a compromise.

At that age I had two morning paper rounds, starting at 6am to get round before school, a Wednesday after school weekly paper round, and a Saturday job in the local newsagents, sometimes also helped on a Sunday. By 16 I was the weekend manager and 18 an area manager, managing numerous staff, including managers. I was very driven.

It’s served me well as it wasn’t just the job aspect, it was managing my time, interacting with people, solving problems, all life skills.

The only regret is I went to Uni at 29 years old instead of earlier and that was part of my career progression.

Maybe he is worried Ds is saving to get away at the first opportunity.

Is he entering GCSE years? It does seem a lot to do and keep up with his studies.

I don't know whether your dh's idea of making your son give up his paper round is a good one or not. It would depend on the reasons.

But how can the decision be "non-negotiable" when your dh hasn't even agreed it with you???

If his schoolwork isn't suffering, he's not too tired and is doing it voluntarily with the option to quit at any time... HIBU!

Being driven is the single biggest factor in becoming a successful adult, I think. Your DS should be encouraged. Good luck to him! My DS is so clever but sloth like 😂 he could do with a bit of what your DS has!

It entirely depends on whether he actually is doing too much and it's affecting his school work or he's tired and grumpy etc they are regardless of overworking but on the face of it, it does sound as if dh is bu.

You've said yourself that you don't know why your son is so driven given that you both enjoy your time off and are maybe not quite so driven... I think your husband is projecting his lack of drive onto your son.

He wouldn't want to have a school day plus extra work before it so thinks it's too much. Until it affects school work, he shouldn't be making this decision for your son. If is grades would be better without the job then maybe, but do you think he works less on school because he tired or anything?