Problems with my ex

[mummytomaxwell]

As some people might know I felt my ex because of domestic abuse. We have a 10 month old son together and I left my ex when my son was three months old.
After leaving I've been hit with other £1000 of debt he claimed he was paying that he's put in both our names.
I finally got child maintenance off him but because of the debt I have no money left to spend on our son. My bank is constantly overdrawn because I don't work and my income support hasn't come through.
I left my job because my mum has two young autistic boys and she is the only family I have here therefore it is unfair to leave her with my son whilst I work.

The only time he ever sees our son is when he is in hospital or if he, ex, is early for work and wants to see him to kill some time.

Am I being unreasonable to say he has no right in seeing our son because he's left us to struggle and he doesn't bother with him anyways? The thing is I grew up with my dad in and out of my life and it made me feel worthless to him. I don't want the same for my son. WWYD?

Identify structured contact time.

Visit nurseries

Get a job

I'm 20, have no qualifications, currently doing an English course to get one. Nursery isn't an option for me, I can't afford it, for what he would be in there for id be working for nothing.
I've had two jobs but leaving my son isn't what i thinks best for us right now. I struggle with BPD and anxiety quite bad and I'm at an all time low.

You are being so unreasonable trying to with hold access. You said he was abusive- if you have genuine fears for your son you have a right to ask for supervised contact, but him not contributing much etc is no reason to stop your son having a relationship with his father. It's normal to struggle when they're tiny. I worked FT and still
ended up at end of my overdraft each month after paying for nursery. Ex paid nothing for DD but I'd never have stood in way of them having a relationship even given our own very difficult relationship. It's worth having a few tough years financially to set yourself up for the future

Also you can't make decisions for your son based on your own experience with your father. I wonder if your mum had disallowed contact it you wouldn't have ended up resenting her

The whole reason we left is because he'd strangle me, kick me, hit me and pull me around by my hair. There have been multiple times where he's come home with bloody knuckles and cuts because he's fought with people over nothing.
My main worry for max is that if he has this influence on him What will he turn out like? There are a million reasons why I feel like he's not a role model for max but I didn't want to spend an hour writing everything out.
I would love him to spend time with him but he doesn't want to, unless it suits him.

Did you report that to police.?

In principle I agree with always enabling contact between father and DC. However, I did this myself and now that DS is adult, I regret it. DS is alcoholic like his father (although improved over recent years), likes a fight. I could go on, but you get the picture. He would have turned out better without that toxic influence. He agrees.

I reported it a week too late (apparently they have a deadline of when they can act on the statement). I never wanted him to be arrested I just wanted it logged so if anything happened to me or max it was already on the system.

In all honesty I blame myself for putting myself in that situation then bringing a baby into it. But abortion wasn't right for me and even though the situation was god awful I would never have given Max up. Sure for now he doesn't understand why his dad isn't around but hopefully when he's my age he will understand and make his own choices even though I'd love to make them for him sometimes..

I am so sorry to hear you've had such an awful time, well done for getting out though.
First off, there is more help out there for you. Give Gingerbread a call to help evaluate what you can claim if you do some work. As a lone parent there is money available to help you with childcare.
Regarding the debts, if these were fraudulently put in your name, contact the police to discuss.
Congrats on getting further qualifications, no mean feat with a 10mo!
Echoing other posters, try to set out a schedule for access. You can negotiate through a third party or over email-you don't need to see your ex if he was abusive. Get it in writing and stick to it-it will help you reclaim some of your freedom back.

Anyone who strangles and kicks you deserves to be arrested.
No they are not a good role model.
Focus on your d's and bringing him up with goid female and male role models.
Stop pushing contact.

Let the father pursue regular contact thru court . That will show if he serious or not.
Get some counselling for yourself.