Lateness of friend

[cutthegraa]

Meeting friend with our two DDs (aged 3) out, at 1030.

I'm there at 1030. Get a text at 1040 saying 'sorry, running late. Haven't left house yet, but be there in 15 mins'. She has form for being late. All the time

When she eventually arrived at 1110, I nicely (honestly) said next time could you please just drop me a text a wee bit earlier as you must have known before the meeting time that you weren't going to make it. I would have piped to the supermarket with DD and got that done, rather than hanging about. She took the total huff, cried and said I was being unreasonable. How was I? Was I?

Cannot abide lateness. It makes me rage especially as I am never late. All it shows is that the late person thinks their time is more important than yours. Its amazing how all the 'perpetually late' people I know always seem to be on time for work, doctors appointments, flights etc.... .

I would be reconsidering the friendship to be honest. No real friend leaves someone waiting on their pleasure for 40 minutes then has the brass neck to get upset when called out on it. Why should you modify your behaviour (ie giving them an earlier time etc) to accomodate their terrible manners?

I kniw some people claim to have valid excuses for constant lateness but that doesn't wash I'm afraid.

Petal, bet you can manage to be on time for work or for stuff that's important to you 'I'm always late' is really no excuse.

I would never wait around so long for anyone. My time is just as precious as anyone else's. Your friend was being very rude only getting in touch after the time you were due to meet and crying when you pulled her up on it was ridiculous.

I have 2 friends like this. One isn’t even on time for work so I’m not sure she is capable at all. When she goes on holiday she aims for super early so she gets to the airport on time. I’m talking hours earlier than she needs to be there. She has actually got better since having a child. She hates being late but struggles so whilst I hate waiting for her I can handle it.

The other i know can be on time (isn’t late for work or things with a defined start time such as theatre, cinema etc) and so she annoys me more. I’ve told her that when she is late she is telling me that her time is more important than mine but she can’t accept that. To the PP who said it it’s a selfish thing you are absolutely right.

She is child-free and has the luxury of being able to suit herself which is absolutely fine, but not when it encroaches on my precious time. I’ve tried to explain that sometimes keeping to time with a small
child might mean getting up super early or not having time for breakfast etc and to make that effort and then be kept waiting is a massive slap in the face. Like the OP says a chance to have gone shopping in the wasted time is infuriating. She still can’t get it.

The thing about letting you know earlier if they are going to be late is another one that pisses me off. You don’t suddenly find you are ‘running late’ at the time you were supposed to meet if you are actually still at home. She would have known that she wouldn’t make that time much earlier but because she has no respect for your time couldn’t even be arsed to let you know. She also lied about leaving straight away and knew she wouldn’t only be 15 mins. That’s the real crux for me. A right piss take.

I can be late my friends don't actually care or just plan around it. My friends can be late and its fine just go for another coffee or do some window shopping. I just hate people who conveniently forget all the times they are late then bitch at you when you are.

I must admit that with 2 kids i do find it hard to get out the house on time no matter how organised I am, but I HATE being late and I hate it when others are substantially late, frequently late or fail to give notice. They are basically implying that your time isnt valuable. And really, we all have better things to do than sit around waiting endlessly.

My brother is ALWAYS late, for absolutely everything. I've never once known him to be on time.
He's late for drs appointments then goes mad they won't see him, he knocks on pharmacy windows when they've just closed saying 'it'll only take a minute to do this prescription', he's late for family meals/visits. He was even ten minutes late for his new job a few weeks ago.
I don't know how he goes on for planes but I know he'll be the last one boarding and the last parent when he put picks his son up from school.
I've never ever known him to be on time for anything. It makes me cross but I never say anything as there'll be a row. My SIL deserves a medal.

I have a friend who is always late. She's been the same ever since we met over 20 years ago. I don't wait for her, nor do I turn up at the arranged time. I just get on with my own stuff and she texts me when she is nearby. If we are going to something that requires a booking I tell her it's for one hour at least before the time she needs to be there.

She cried because you called her on her lateness?

Goodness

I’d not be overly keen to meet up again after the manipulative crying let alone the poor timekeeping.

I have a 15 minute rule. I wait 15 minutes and then I leave/get on with my day.

Of course people occasionally have disasters and if call and apologise/reschedule and that’s fine but I don’t wait more that 15 minutes after the time agreed.

People get the message fairly quickly.

She sounds ridiculous.

I used to be late. Really, really late. It's a sign of anger.
A couple of people didn't wait for me and a friend had a go at me before I reflected on it and realised just how selfish it was.
It took a huge amount of effort to change and to be more on time. I still struggle being on time and try to fit loads of things in so I'm always rushing.
She needs to know how bloody annoying it is.

Every time she is late somewhere, message her cancelled your plans and go off and do something else instead. She will either miraculously improve her timekeeping or else your friendship will quietly become a thing of the past.

The irony is that serial latecomers hate it when anyone else is late.
I dumped a friend because she was always late. The last straw was when she kept me waiting inside a bar for one hour. When she eventually answered her phone ( after numerous attempts on my part to get in touch) she told me that her new boyfriend had come around and she wanted to spend time with him.
I didn’t contact her again

Maybe she’s having a hard time?! The fact she cried must mean she’s struggling with something surely. It’s annoying and would piss me off but life can be hard with kids. Maybe she’s finding it particularly hard?

Yes I find it rude. Not if it's a one off - traffic happens, last minute things pop up, but what bothers me is if it's every time. It suggests they don't deem your time as important as theirs.

She's ridiculous! Next time she's late tell her ok I'll wait x amount of time and then leave. I've done that to a friend and never had to wait again!

Some people have no respect for other people's time. I don't think you were wrong for calling her out on her behaviour, 40 minutes is a piss take.

I had a friend who was always late. It was usually because she'd made a hair or beauty or a fake tan appointment before meeting me. She liked men and everything was done to attract them. We both had small children so in the end we met at my house so I could carry on my life instead of waiting.

She loved men - any men. Married, divorced, young, old. She was a 'fur coat no knickers' girl. She'd travel miles to a Harvey Nics Event Evening, but literally could only put £2 of petrol in her beaten up car.

Then she'd never leave. I made up an appointment and she literally left the house with me.

Eventually I went NC but after a year she got in touch. I agreed to meet again on neutral ground & picked a lovely cafe. Guess what - she was late. I think it was to 'make an entrance' as she gushed over and threw her car keys on the table (for effect) so I would have to notice the BMW keyring (for the car her new man had bought her).

We never met again. In the 10 years I'd been married she'd had least 4 men (and 3 kids all to different men too).

"I am always late. I don't know why. Time runs away with me and things always seem to go wrong (spilt drink before I go, work call, difficult toddler time, cats want feeding etc.)
No friends have ever told me off."

And yet I’m guessing you turn up to work on time and to the doctors and to the cinema etc?

It’s just poor planning/time management and a lack of respect for the person you’re meeting.

I am always late. I don't know why. Time runs away with me and things always seem to go wrong (spilt drink before I go, work call, difficult toddler time, cats want feeding etc.

You do know why though. Cats want feeding twice a day, you know you need to do it, so why do it when you are due somewhere else? Same with toddlers, you don't bother to plan for any of these things and then act all surprised when they take up time and you are late. It's pure laziness of thought and lack of respect for the people you are meeting.
No friends have ever told me off
Then they are nicer than you deserve.

YANBU as that must have been immensely frustrating.

However, I will say that I have huge problems organising and managing my time, and am often late without really knowing why.

If I had been just a little younger, I might have been diagnosed with ADHD during my school years, but I don't have that diagnosis and wouldn't want to use it as an excuse.

Despite huge efforts to change, multiple different organisation systems, alarms set for EVERYTHING, I'm still sometimes late/forgetful/messy and I HATE myself for it.

So, YANBU, but I understand why your friend might have cried if she feels the same way about her lateness as I do.

I hate it when people are perpetually late, and when they say 'sorry I'm late', we're expected to say 'oh it's ok', or 'no problem' … and if you don't, they take the huff! I had a friend - no DC, no job, no commitments, who was ALWAYS late to meet me. I even started leaving the house 10 mins later than I should have, and I would still be sat for 15 mins waiting for her. I don't meet up with her anymore (not just because of the lateness!) MIL is always late, and not just 15 or even 30 mins: I'm talking hours sometimes, and gets very defensive and upset if you dare call her on it.

It's when they don't even try. I was meeting a friend at a pretty grim London train station and had to hang around for over an hour after she sent a "we're running late. LOL" text, basically I'm a bit late but instead of hurrying up to make up for lost time I'm going to use it as an excuse to fuck about and turn up in my own good time.

Interestingly she stopped this behaviour a while back so I assume she had a similar confrontation where she was called out on her behaviour.