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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish hen weekends weren't the new 'thing'.

17 replies

LokiBear · 13/09/2018 20:44

A relative is getting married abroad. The maids are organising a hen weekend to be held a few months before the wedding and I've recieved the facebook group invite. The weekend in a 'luxurious house' is going to cost £200. No activities planned, so there will be extra costs on top. Im struggling to justify the cost, especially as we are hoping to fly out for the wedding. Im feeling the pressure from other family members (not the bride) to go as I will be the only family member not going. I just feel its too expensive and the date is a bit inconvenient too. The bride is lovely and will completely understand and take no offense. MIL will make snipy comments and I already feel guilty. AIBU to just wish we could go back to the time when it was just a night out on the town? I know its an invitation not a summons, but I do feel pressured and guilty.

OP posts:

MaisyPops · 13/09/2018 20:46

I'm with you. It seems to be lots of me me me nonsense.

I think expecting your friends to pay hundreds to celebrate that you will be getting married is highly selfish and entitled (even though I could afford it, I begrudge spending money to do drinking and activity weekends).

I've seen uni friends do a mini break to Marbella for one hen and someone else I know had 2 hen dos.

Alpacanorange · 13/09/2018 20:47

Don’t go, if people don’t go. She will havr to reconsider or go alone.

LeftRightCentre · 13/09/2018 20:48

Stop letting others guilt you into doing something that's so shit for you. FFS. Just decline! Or continue to let other people manipulate you. Your MIL makes a snippy comment, tell her you couldn't afford that kind of money for a hen. TBH, I don't mind falling out with family over destination weddings. It's an utterly self-indulged pisstake to expect people to pay out big whack to go to your wedding abroad.

Original poster

LokiBear · 13/09/2018 20:52

It is being organised by other people, not the bride. The bride genuinely doesnt have a selfish bone in her body, which is why I think her bridesmaids are making such a fuss. She is lovely which is why I feel guilty. Id really like to celebrate with her, but an expensive weekend away, on top of traveling to the wedding just makes it a bit unjustifiable in terms of money spent, as it could be spent on a family holiday with the kids instead. We are having a family holiday, but a cheaper one because we want to go to the wedding.

OP posts:

LeftRightCentre · 13/09/2018 20:54

as it could be spent on a family holiday with the kids instead. We are having a family holiday, but a cheaper one because we want to go to the wedding.

This is a no-brainer then. You decline. Never put someone's fucking wedding above your own family. Who would do this?

CoughLaughFart · 13/09/2018 20:57

I do think some of these hen (and stag) dos are getting out of hand - but to be fair, in this case, it sounds like those close to the bride are treating her. It sounds like the bride would be fine with you not going - and as for your mother-in-law, tell her to take the stick out of her crack.

Original poster

LokiBear · 13/09/2018 20:58

If dh and I go to the wedding, in addition to our family holiday, it is win-win. Id like to be there on their day (although it was a completely no pressure invite). The wedding isnt the issue. Weve costed that. An expensive hen weekend is the issue. Its a but much but everyone else is up for it and I find myself feeling a bit nostaligic for the days when it was a night on the town wearing a veil of willies.

OP posts:

LiveatCityHall · 13/09/2018 20:58

Is there anyway you could spend a day with her doing an activity rather than the whole weekend? At least you'll get to celebrate with her albeit for a shorter amount of time?
I totally agree with you btw!!

FrankieStein · 13/09/2018 20:58

I've had this with every member of dps family. Last year both brothers got married, both brides had elaborate, and expensive, hen weekends.
We live approx 200 miles from dps family, who all live within a 5 mile radius.
I didn't attend either hen do.
I just couldn't justify the cost, especially as they were both very close to the weddings which both necessitated two nights in hotels.
(Just to put you in the picture, DP has a disability, and I work part time, care for him full time, money isn't exactly rolling in)

Both brides were fine. MIL got over it eventually.

Lordofmyflies · 13/09/2018 20:58

I don't know. I like a hen weekend. Ive just paid £200 for 2 nights in a lovely house with all the activities included but I'm looking forward to spending time with the girls, relaxing, chatting and having a weekend away from kids activities and homework! Just don't go. Those that want to will.

Original poster

LokiBear · 13/09/2018 20:59

Id love to tell mil to 'take the stick out of her crack'!!!!

OP posts:

InDubiousBattle · 13/09/2018 20:59

I'm not sure when it started but I'm 39 and between 10 and 15 years ago ALL of our friends got married. At least three weddings a year. For a few of them we only really knew one of the couple well but the we both seemed to get invited to the hen/stag do. We mainly delined as they were just too expensive. 3 weddings, 3 hen nights, 3 stag nights would just have cost a fortune. Most of them did a 'second do' which was a night out- aka a normal hen do!

Charlie97 · 13/09/2018 20:59

Don't go, it's not fair to expect you too!

elQuintoConyo · 13/09/2018 21:07

Say 'no' then change the subject.

"Can't afford it, sorry. Now, what's for lunch?"

"We can make the wedding or the hen, but not both. Shall i put the kettle on?"

"I don't want to go. Ooh, is that a new cardigan?"

"No, i don't do hen dos. Smashing blouse!"

If Mil (or whoever) continues to bang on, just announce "bored now" and go to another room

Sparklesocks · 13/09/2018 21:08

I think part of the issue is the bride’s friends feel the pressure to do something nice/good for the bride, and it escalates and gets pricey. Then if that’s how one hen in your friendship group goes, it sets the precedent for all the others - sort of becomes a victim of its own expectation.

I bet if brides organised their own they wouldn’t be so grand, but because bridesmaids are doing it on their behalf they go that extra mile.

Original poster

LokiBear · 13/09/2018 21:55

Ive pulled on my big girl pants and declined. Its too much with everything else ive got going on. Thank you for helping me to woman up and reasuring me im not being unreasonable.

OP posts:

elQuintoConyo · 14/09/2018 19:29

Good for you

We are so used to saying 'yes' , thus saying 'no' to something which is important to others can be daunting.

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