To be upset with dp over this.

[Lovethetimeyouhave]

Dp was talking about a big even coming up that we had said was a shame we missed out on last time.

We haven't spent any time alone together since April of last year, before that it was since I was pregnant with Ds (whose 7 next month)

So dp texts me earlier on to see if I wanted to go to this event next month as it's back near us. I replied saying I'd love to go so he said ok let's book. I booked. Thinking it would be so nice for us to go to this together and I was so excited.

Dp came home an hour again and nonchalantly dropped into conversation that friend 1 from work is going and dp other friend 2 might be going.

I got upset because he hadn't told me this earlier and when I went quiet he shouted that he "i knew you'd react like that! Just cancel the tickets" how I can't control who goes to the event and so on.

But I am really upset. He never said before the purchase that these people were going and to mention it now means to me it was already planned and it wasn't ever going to be what I thought it was. Add to that I'm shy, introverted and haven't met these people.

What's the problem with the OP booking the tickets? Maybe she has more spare time to do it? what with her not having a penis and all that.

Arrowfanatic "He probably thought it would be a bit of fun for the 2 of you and these other people being there would be fun to see as well."

Then why did he not say that, instead he said "i knew you'd react like that! Just cancel the tickets".

I think that sounds rather petulant.

Erm no with her possibly having more spare time.

Just go! Don’t make your social anxiety your partners issue. You know you will enjoy it once your there, the anticipation is always crippling but once you are there and exchanged hellos the music will begin and you won’t have to chat. Apologise to partner, go to event, enjoy yourself.

Your DH thinks it's a waste of time spending time with you.

So why are you spending your life with this prick?

Leave him and find someone else who enjoys spending time with you and vice versa.

He shouldnt have yelled at you.

I would be with him on this but you're not some naughty 12 yo!!

Do you often make a fuss about going to social events with others? 'i knew you'd react like that' would suggest it's not the first time. You may be an introvert, but a lot of people socialise as a couple with others, dint use your preference to dictate how you socialise as a couple, if you don't go out much already and DP is more extrovert he's already accomodating your needs, compromise is possible. As PPs have said it's not a big deal, you go with DH you meet up with others, you wander off as a couple to see a particular band or get a drink or food etc. It's a festival it was likely there would be other people you knew going 🤷

I can understand him not telling you if he knew you wouldn't come and he wanted you to.

Nope, sorry I dont agree with that at all.
If you know someone really doesn’t like social events, you dint force their hand by letting think it will just the two of you when actually it will be a full on social event.
That wouod be manipulating the situation so you get what you want wo a thought about how uncomfortable the other person wouod be.

I wouod say this is crap behaviour.

I’m not sure if the OP is or isnt keen on social event in general.
It is clear that she wouod like to spend more time on a 1-1 basis with her DH. That he KNOWS this is the case.
But somehow he wanted to go the event with friends rather than just the two of them. And he knew the OP wouldn’t be as keen to have a social event rather than a 1-1.

There is nothing right or wrong about treating this music event as a time to spend as a couple or as a social event.

There is something wrong in telling a half truth to your dw to get to agree on something she wouldn’t have been keen on in the first place (which he knew damm well - see his reaction ‘I knew you wouodnt want to)

I'd be disappointed too, OP if I'd had virtually no time with my OH for 8 years and the only time he seemed willing to go out was with other people.

My XH used to do this with shows. Even if he and I made the plans with just us, If it was an open seating show that his friends were also attending he would basically ignore me the entire night. I later discovered that there were extenuating issues as well. So yes, I would get upset when he told me the outing I thought was as a couple was actually a group event.

If your husband treats you well, regardless of other attendees, I would try to get past your initial disappointment, Have fun with the crowd, and book another outing that is just for the two of you. If he doesn’t treat you well at group events, then it is time for some introspection.

Also why on earth would you go right years without spending 121 time with your partner? Get a babysitter and go out. Even if you can't get/afford childcare, put the kids to bed, get a takeaway, nice bottle of wine, put some music on have a chat over dinner, watch a film together etc. You live together you must spend time together all the time, it all sounds a big exaggeration to me.

Have people missed that the last time the OP spent alone time with her husband was 18 months ago, and the time before that over 7 years ago? Given that, yes I absolutely think she's right to be disappointed that his mates will be coming too. God forbid she might want to go out with her husband alone three times a decade!!

Well, I would not put up with being fobbed off with "It's a waste of time" when you want some couple time. Start booking things - dinner reservations, theatre tickets, anything you would enjoy together, and make your DP add to his calendar (on phone, Outlook, or whatever). Make it clear to him that he needs to prioritize time for your relationship.

Does he get to go out by himself?

Either people haven't bothered reading this properly or they're looking to get at someone and so are deliberately ignoring what the op has said.

You do not need to apologise, you got upset, you are allowed to get upset.

This. Again. And again.

I'm shocked that your partner has actually told you he considers spending time with you a waste of time. I'm even more shocked that in context of that and your op anybody would tell you your distress that what you thought was an opportunity to finally spend time with him ended up without that and instead with him shouting at you.

You don't have to train yourself to tolerate being treated like you're nothing. That's not how any relationship should work. You are valuable, your feelings matter, and time spent with you is not a waste.

I would have been gutted in your shoes too. You weren't overreacting.

Now he has got his planned night out you organise one just for the 2 of ye. If he fusses just say Oh l knew you would react like that.There needs to be a balance here. Start planning some nights out yourself. Couples need times together and with friends. Do both.

He said he knew I would react like that because I generally get anxious around new people. Not overly so but I may say I'm feeling nervous, or I may be quiet on initial meeting.

We don't go out much because Ds hates being left with a baby sitter and cried, dp therefore thinks it's cruel to do it so it doesn't happen.

Time in the evening doesn't happen as dp whole heartedly believes kids should be allowed to stay up and live, Ds is a lovely boy but he goes to bed when he likes. Usually 9/9:30pm

Thank you for saying I'm allowed to be upset, I am upset still but I'm trying to move past it, I explained to him in a message after I left when he shouted (took the dog and ds to the park) the reason I was upset is because I had been led to believe it was an event that was just the two of us. If he had said his friends were going I would have still agreed to go but my expectations would have been different.

I booked the tickets because I was home with the computer with the bank details stored on. So was much simpler.

Also I literally just went quiet because I was thoroughly disappointed and yes he shouted then. Because he knew what he'd done and manipulated the situation but tried to turn it back on me like I was the one with the problem for getting upset

I don't understand why you apologised, it wasn't you that was in the wrong. If he had just been honest, there wouldn't have been a problem.

I never apologised. I explained why I was upset and exactly what behaviour had upset me.

I feel your pain I am exactly the same. My DP prioritises going out with friends over our alone time, even said he feels bad turning something down in favour of us spending time together. Even if we haven't seen each other 1 on 1 for weeks. Makes me feel totally shit because I'm not as sociable and get anxious and shy so never want to go to the pub.

I would feel the same tbh.

It's a bit weird he's making the decisions about not going out with just you without actually taking what you want into account? Of course your DS will cry if you leave with a babysitter but that's not exactly cruelty! Is he just calling all the shots or something?
I don't think you are being unreasonable for expressing your feelings.
If you start booking tickets for stuff just the two of you as a PP said would he go along with it?

Why is your dp decide ing everything. He things ds should stay up. He thinks he shouldn't be left with sitter. He thinks you should do what he wants. You need to find your own voice. Its important for dc that parents have their own life. They get security from seeing their dps doing things together.

Why is he deciding how YOU raise YOUR son? Sack him off he sounds like a fucking dick.