To not wish my mum a happy birthday

[ChangedName37]

Basically in a nutshell I had a pretty shitty child/teenhood due to an emotionally and physically abusive father and a mother who neglected to protect me from him by never being around and turning the other way / not believing me.
She is someone who is very much in denial and chooses to blank certain things out of her memory / mind because she doesn't know how to deal with it.
I am due to speak to a therapist soon as recently I have found myself harbouring a lot of pent up resentment and revisiting certain events from years ago (I put this down to now having a child of my own).
Anyway, I ended up in a heated discussion with my mum last Friday about these issues, and yet again she feigned ignorance to several specific occasions (my dad being arrested for punching me in the face when I was 15 for one) as well as ignorance about general events that transpired.
We haven't spoken since Friday as I feel that I said everything I need to and it's up to her to make an effort and some acknowledgement now. The only thing is it is her birthday tomorrow and I don't know whether to send a message, make an effort or not. I feel like she should have made some sort of contact by now and at this point I don't feel like I want to see or speak to her until she does that, however DP thinks I should be the "bigger person" as I am an only child and otherwise she won't have anyone to celebrate with. Frankly I feel I've been the bigger person throughout my whole life and am at my wit's end. AIBU?

Sometimes you need to go with your feelings. If you feel like it would be beneficial for you to step back and go NC, at least for a while, while getting help with all your issues, don't get in touch with her.
Being the "bigger person" is a phrase that I genuinely hate. Fuck being the bigger person if you are suffering as a result. You need to take care of yourself and your mental well-being and constantly worrying about how your Mum you feel like failed you feels about it doesn't help it.
So think about how the current situation affects you and if you need a break from being involved in the drama. Forgiveness is overrated. Not forgiving doesn't mean you need to spend your life filled with hate or resentment, it may also mean that you put a distance between you and the person who hurt you and stop any contact.

YANBU. It needed saying. However she may never 'get it'. Something I found helpful was when someone said "she can't afford to get it". Facing the brutal truth may be too hard.
Take some time, get some help, it's been said now, try to keep any communication calm and businesslike.
YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR THIS SITUATION NOR CAN YOU FIX IT.
💐

I agree with everything Clandestino has said, but would add, how is she likely to react if you say nothing? Are you likely to get messages and phone calls from her, and would that end up being more stressful for you in the long run?

Thanks everyone. It's hard being an only child with no other family sometimes because I can't run things by anyone else that would understand my specific situation. DP comes from a big close knit family where none of them would ever cut anyone else off so to him he doesn't understand my position at all.

Honestly it sounded as if your mum has historically and continually acted to protect her own feelings and well being so you should now do the same.

You feel it's up to her to make an effort ... that suggest you want to continue to have a relationship with her. If so, then not acknowledging her birthday is quite a biggie - it'll be hard to establish a relationship after that. So you might want to consider acknowledging at a distance - eg pop a birthday card in first class post and just sign it without a personal message. Then just forget about it and her and if she does make contact, worry then about what to do.

Alternatively, if you don't want to maintain a relationship with her, then now's as good a time as any to stop.

Firstly no...i really don't feel you should have to contact her whether it's her birthday or not

Like a pp o hate this bigger person rubbish ...why on earth should you be when she allowed you to be abused and didn't protect You?

I have to say I would challenge your DH quite heavily
I would be asking why he feels her needs on that day are more important than mine ,particularly when she has caused you pain. I would also ask him if social conventions are more important than your distress?

If she hadn't behaved the way she did she wouldn't be alone now ...thats her price to pay not yours.

You absolutely don't have to wish her a happy birthday of you don't want to, your health and happiness comes first. However, I would probably do as previous poster says and either drop a basic card through the door or just a simple text, happy birthday, hope you have a good day. I wouldn't then enter into conversation if she texts back. That way, I wouldn't feel she had something else to pin the discussion on and get sidetracked from the main issues if you see what I mean. If you want to resolve the relationship, and it sounds like you do if you're waiting for her to speak to you, I would continue doing the basics while not engaging any further. Otherwise I would feel like I was deliberately going NC, which is a big decision. If that's what you want to do, then go ahead. Make sure it's the right thing for you though.