To not know how to tell my counsellor it's time to end our sessions?

[jmfan]

So this is slightly light hearted but … I have been seeing a counsellor for a little while after some traumatic events in my life. She's been great and we've ended up talking about other issues in my life but I've got to the point now where I feel OK and think it's time to stop (partly too because it's £££££££).

But I don't know how to tell her! AIBU to think that this feels like ending a relationship (although I know of course that she is a professional and we have a professional relationship)? Now I'm wondering, if I find this simple conversation so difficult, perhaps I do in fact need to continue with counselling! Anyone else been here? How did you bring your counselling to an end?

You simply say that you've found the sessions of benefit, and that you feel the time is right to stop seeing her, and thank her for her help. This is not dumpling a friend, OP. She's a paid professional.

Why not ask her if you can spend a bit of time on being assertive / working on endings etc. and explain that you'd been thinking of drawing the sessions to a close (so helpful, achieved what you needed etc.) but were finding it difficult and realised that you could probably do with a couple of sessions on it BEFORE you finish with her - you're signposting your intention & getting help on it.

If you had the luxury of being able to afford to pay a counsellor to help you get to the stage of self-confidence where you were able to say to a counsellor that you need to end the counselling, I might suggest you continue!

But since you don't: just tell her, OP (though I might suggest that you give her a couple of weeks' warning so that you can wind the process down together, rather than blurting out "I'm not coming back next week"). All counsellors understand financial limitations.

(I will add that a counsellor I had many years ago did have her own issues with rejection, and she did make me feel uncomfortable about it. In the extremely unlikely event you get one of those, OP, come on Mumsnet and let posters here set you straight that it's absolutely her problem, not yours!)

@nikephorus nailed it.

I had this issue and though she was completely understanding you could see she was a little upset when we were finishing out last session (after a few years!). But strangely that helped me feel more confident that I hadn’t backed down to keep her happy!

AIBU to think that this feels like ending a relationship

Professional or not it is ending a relationship, so thats why it feels like it. Im a therapist working in the NHS and a big part of my job is helping patients deal with the end of therapy, therefore the end of our relationship, it gets talked about and explored well in advance.

So this is slightly light hearted but …

No it isn’t, not even ‘slightly’. However far you think you’ve come, you’ve still in a place where you can’t end a relationship because your fear of upsetting the other party. I’m not saying you should stay in counselling but your difficulties in ending the relationship should be telling you something about where you are at.

She’s a professional ! No one stays with her forever.
If she makes you feel you should then she’s unprofessional, if not then why do you feel guilty? It’s something to explore.

I would be honest, say you think you have come to the conclusion you don’t want to continue, but you have felt mixed emotions about talking to her about it and worry about her reaction. Hopefully she can help you work through this in your final sessions.

Thanks for you responses everybody, they are really interesting. One of the issues discussed in my counselling is my tendency towards feeling guilty and how that has led to some bad decisions. I should add that there are many circumstances where I am fairly assertive, but for some reason this one feels more difficult. It's not my counsellor's fault - she is totally professional but I also like her, which is partly I think why the whole thing has worked up till now. I guess as people here have said, I just need to talk to her about it - talking is what counselling is about I guess after all!

I think she will be very understanding and help you work out your guilt! I am the same, it took me a year to finish with my therapist because I felt guilty. I really worked myself up about it.
In the end I told her how I felt and we talked about it. My usual default would be to not turn up and not reply to messages. Which is obviously not healthy!

I'd say that talking about the ending of counselling will be important to do WITH your counsellor - not for them to have an opinion on it but to help crystallise the key things you've learned about yourself etc and talk about what you are going to continue to do for yourself once at the end of their input.

Did you agree an aim in advance. With my counsellor I wanted support to come to a specific decision. When I had come to decision we had another session.

At the start of the session does she ask how the week has been or how are you? That would be the time to start to discuss that you feel it is coming to the time to end the sessions.

Oh also there are guidelines about ending therapy that your counsellor may like an opportunity to follow to (for your benefit).

Best of luck and I'm glad counselling helped.

Just think through to yourself what is the worst that can happen if you tell her.
Are you afraid she will be disappointed, cross, let down? You aren’t responsible for her feelings.
Or do you dread having to make a case for yourself?
The thing is( and I know that you know this) , she’s your counsellor, you can talk to her about it.
One of my therapist s used to say “ we can talk about everything that’s in the room “ ie it’s not off limits.
Often the elephant on the room is a really powerful and productive thing to talk about.
She will know it’s all about you, she won’t take it personally.

Thanks again everybody. Interesting question about the aim - initially it was to support me in the aftermath of a series of specific traumas. But the traumas were in part a result of decisions I had taken (or not) earlier in life that had led to me doing what I thought I 'should' do, not what I really wanted. And so inevitably that led to discussion of why I have a tendency towards guilt/'should'. But we never really crystallised the aim beyond that. Perhaps that is something I can talk to her about when we next meet. This has given me food for thought, thanks!