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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What would you do?

20 replies

Boyicantwait2beamumagain · 13/09/2018 00:32

Hello everyone. Just up late can't sleep and suddenly a thought crossed my mind (probably a sign I watch way too much television)

Picture your dc. Imagine at the age they are currently at so whether their a baby, toddler, teen or adult you got a knock at the door and it was someone who told you that there had been a mix up it and you have thr wrong child. could be the child themselves or someone else but it was legitimately true and whoever knocked the door could prove it.

Now think about the bond you and your dc share and the love you have for them. What do you do?

This post isn't intended to offend or upset anyone and I sincerely apologise if anyone reads this and has been in a similar situation. It's simply just a late night thought that came to me. I'm not talking about adopted for fostered children in this scenario. Just really wondering what different people might do in that situation.

Also please let's be respectful of other peoples suggestions no need at all for this to turn into something nasty I really am just speaking hypothetically and dh isnt here otherwise I would of just asked him.

OP posts:

UpstartCrow · 13/09/2018 00:35

I have heard of this happening in the US, one family rejected the child they had raised and the other didn't want to let their child go.
The judge awarded that family custody of both children, and it really did seem like the best outcome.

Surely the child you raise is your family? Otherwise adoption and step parenting could never work.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2018 00:36

I would want the truth. If my child had been switched, there are many innocent victims involved who deserve to know that truth. All you could do at that point is take it one day at a time.

LoveAGoodChat · 13/09/2018 00:39

My instinct would be to keep the child I had raised as that would be the baby I had brought home, loved, cared for and raised...to reject it and give it away would be unthinkable to me..

I think if the other family wanted access where both sets of parents see both kids I would agree to that in a contact centre where it's controlled ,

MiddleClassProblem · 13/09/2018 00:40

I use to watch the TV show Switched At Birth. Fiction but they kept the kids they took home (teens at this point) and kept in touch, almost merged families as time went on.

It has so many factors though doesn’t it. If it was the first week of birth it’s very different to years or even months. And it depend on the other family’s wants. But I wonder what the legal standing is.

PointlessUsername · 13/09/2018 00:42

I would keep the child i have raised for sure.

RonniePickering · 13/09/2018 00:56

Weirdly my teenage daughter asked me this yesterday (“what would you do if the hospital said there had been a mix-up and had been swapped, would you want your real son back?”).

I absolutely couldn’t give my almost four year old son up, never ever

Katedotness1963 · 13/09/2018 01:10

I would keep the child I raised, but hope to have a relationship with the other child too.

MamaHechtick · 13/09/2018 01:17

It would depend on the time of day and what sort of day I was having with them. 4pm on a Wednesday and I'll hand over DS to anyone.

No in all seriousness, I couldn't imagine not being with my DC and taking back biological children without any bond. I don't think it's in the children's interests either if they are young.

pumpkinspicetime · 13/09/2018 01:18

DH and I have pondered this from time to time, we had IVF so you really are relying on little dishes not getting muddled up. I would be happy to expand my family but would never give up the DC I have raised.

Beargoesgrr · 13/09/2018 01:22

I’d keep DD. Or who I knew to be my DD!

She’s wonderful and I couldn’t be without her now.

Original poster

Boyicantwait2beamumagain · 13/09/2018 01:28

Some really interested answers on here and just as I expected that people could never dream of parting with the dc they have loved and raised from a newborn baby! I'm of the same opinion I couldn't imagine packing up my 2 year old dds toys and clothes and sending her off with strangers just the thought of it breaks my heart equally id be very curious and would hope so also have a relationship with the biological child aswell. Oh god could you imagine the biological parents wanting their child back?

I do wonder what the legal side would say surely it's not black and white there must be loads of grey areas and looked at on a case by case basis?

Any legal professionals in here able to explain?

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HuntIdeas · 13/09/2018 04:56

That reminds me of the Bogotá brothers - there were 2 sets of identical twin boys and one of each were switched at birth!

They were adults when they found out and stayed with the families that raised them. www.nytimes.com/2015/07/12/magazine/the-mixed-up-brothers-of-bogota.html

AllyMcBeagle · 13/09/2018 05:08

There's an interesting episode of the This American Life radio show/podcast where they interview a couple of families this happened to. It's long but if anyone is interested it's worth listening to (just click the play button at the top of this page: www.thisamericanlife.org/360/switched-at-birth).

I can't explain the legal position unfortunately as not my area of law but maybe someone else can.

Eminybob · 13/09/2018 05:12

I wastched Switched at Birth too (although that was a little ridiculous, one was Latina and one was ginger ffs!) and I have thought about this myself. I think they way they did it, all ended up as one big happy family is the ideal outcome (although not practical in the real world)

But I would never ever give up DS. He’s my world and I could never replace him. Luckily he’s the spit of dh so I don’t think we have anything to worry about!

Twotailed · 13/09/2018 05:45

This American Life (a really excellent podcast) did an episode on this. Two families in a small town took home each others’ babies. Everyone knew in the end and they just kept and raised the ‘wrong’ babies.

DoraJar · 13/09/2018 07:39

@AllyMcbeagle - hey I’ve been meaning to get TAL for 5 years! Thank you for the link - wow the truth really isn't pure and rarely simple!

Crunchymum · 13/09/2018 07:45

No way would I give up any of the children I have (even the difficult 3 year old )

It depends on the hypothetical circumstances of the family who have my birth child but I guess we'd work out some kind of contact arrangement so we all got to benefit from both the kids?

If the other family couldn't cope I'd have the birth child and the swapped child.

MiddleClassProblem · 13/09/2018 07:45

I’m guessing it might be, whilst still rare, more common in America because they have those baby nurseries still.
I know when I had DD here there was nothing like that and it was almost quite the opposite that I was with her almost all the time (loo permitting).
I know it’s so extremely unlikely to have happened to us as she had some very specific distinctive marks etc that I saw when she was put on me. Unless it was like a magic trick and they did the switch then to test me or they happen to have a mother child with the exact same combination of marks and looked like FIL that happened to grown up to look like me. There’s just a lot that would have to click into place for that to happen...

Eminybob · 13/09/2018 08:42

I can’t see how it would happen though, I have pictures taken of ds during skin to skin literally straight after birth, then others during our hospital stay and then at home, and you can tell it’s the same baby!

But then I suppose it’s the times when the baby is separated, if they are poorly, or it’s a c section or something?

In America do they still take the baby away and put them in a nursery with a window for everyone to gawp at? Or is that just on telly? If they do then it’s no wonder all these switched at birth stories are from America!

Original poster

Boyicantwait2beamumagain · 13/09/2018 10:05

It's like they have done it on soaps here a few times and while whilst the baby is a life more believable the one that sticks in my mind is the whole kat and Ronnie story line when ronnies baby has died so she swapped it with kats that was a little while after the babies were born... how would everyone not notice the babies had been switched? Surely the father would see that ronnies baby was different and kat would of known when she saw the baby that had passed thag it wasn't hers. I know it's not real life but it supposed to be a reflection of real life and then exageratted.

OP posts:

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