To give up on school run mums?!

[MrsPuff5]

Ok there is a bit of backstory so sorry if its confusing.

When my child started school my son was very close to another boy in his class. The mum became unwell and was sectioned and so left the family home. The dad (K) and I saw each other because of the kids. The dad was not popular with other parents as they gossiped that he had abused his wife and caused her breakdown. I didn't listen to the gossip and continued to be his friend. He said life had been difficult with his mentally unwell wife, that she was violent and he and his son were trying to make a fresh start. He said that while his wife was unwell she had said many bad things about him that were not true but mud sticks. I felt really sorry for them. We were friends for about 18 months but only in as far as parents with children who are friends...

I was also friends with another parent (R) who would ask me questions about the other couple. I never gossiped and said I didn't know. Aside to the gossiping she was nice and we became quite close and went out for drinks, meals etc. I was aware that few other mums would talk to me and assumed it was because I was friends with the dad they didn't like. Whatever!!

Anyway, unfortunately it eventually transpired the gossips were right about K, I was naive to believe all he said. The poor boy now lives with grandparents, dad has supervised access and mum is still in hospital.

I recently became friends with another mum, (P). Once we were chatting and getting on she told me that R would tell other parents to stay away from me because I was friends with K and that I was disloyal to women generally by being friends with a woman beater. At the time she was saying these things I viewed her as my close friend.

Obviously at the time I had no idea the gossip was true and was trying to take someone as I found them and be a friend to someone in difficulty. I am horrified what my friend R has said about me. I confronted her and she said, well it's true that you supported a woman beater and people with kids need to know that. She said although she really likes me my naivety makes me a risk to my own children as I allowed my son to play there.

I am so upset I can't even begin to think straight. What people must think of me! And she is right that by deciding to make my own judgement and not listen to school gate gossips I possibly could have put my child at risk. God I just hate all this! I want to just never speak to another parent at that school ever again!

My son is still friends with the boy and he seems to be doing ok considering.

So, was I unreasonable to be friends with someone who was rumoured to be nasty, even though he seemed nice? Am I stupid and naive? Am I disloyal to women? Also, is R right to warn other parents or, as I suspect, a gossipy bitch! Would I be unreasonable to let my child socialise at school only and have nothing more to do with any school gate parents?

Have nothing more to do with them. Jesus. R is a gossipy bitch and needs to wind her neck in.

You looked at the facts of the situation - Mum sectioned, social services apparently content to leave son with dad so presumably he wasn’t thought a danger. You didn’t get any bad vibes, and there were no actual, verifiable facts suggesting an alternative course of action.

Ywnbu to give him a chance but it would have been unreasonable to leave your son in his care given that you.knew his wife had claimed he abused her. Even if you were almost certain it was untrue it was still a risk you probabky shouldn't have taken (if you did)

R is wrong and sounds vile. You have a new friend now, P and K is out of the picture so I am sure things will settle down for you at the school. You haven't mentioned the age of your children but soon enough when your child(ren) are older you won't need to worry about the school run anyway and the other parents will be just passing acquaintances.

You believed in innocent until proven/said by the wife/child otherwise.
It happens, she was horrible to go around saying what she did.

I feel sorry for his wife. Personally I would have been very guarded where he was concerned.

Well personally, back when the gossip was going on about the man, in the absence of any proof either way i would have refrained from being particularly friendly with him tbh. (Same as i would have if he'd been the female of the couple.)

What's done is done now though. As things stand i would keep my distance from R and try to develop some new friendships.

Under all of this is a little boy who if you had not allowed your son to have a friendship with might have had no friends. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, you made the best decision you could at the time and you allowed a little boy in a very difficult situation to have a normal friendship.

I think R is a massive stirrer and loves the drama.

You haven’t done anything wrong and if you feel like your rep has diminished you could start to make small inroads. PTA helping? Doing some reading, volunteering in the school.

Fine one normalish mum you like and start making chit chat. It will soon transpire that you’re not actually a colluding she witch but just a falliable human.

lonecats post was my first thought after reading your post. That poor lad was shunned by proxy by the other mums and you have remained a constant slice of normality. That’s something to be applauded.

It’s a hard lesson to learn that you misjudged your own relationship with the father but your son (I presume) was actually ok. I think you would have reacted very differently if he had given you any inkling of concern after being there.

R is a massive twat. She was perfectly content to observe the situation and encourage your friendship when she thought you were a source of exclusive gossip instead of expressing her concerns to you.

you made the best decision you could at the time and you allowed a little boy in a very difficult situation to have a normal friendship

Exactly, this.

I think in your position I'd have maintained a bit of a distance once I'd heard the rumours, but abusers can be incredibly convincing, and I guess primarily it was due to your childrens' friendship you were friends at all - I'd have been reluctant to abandon that on the basis of gossip too.

This R woman is a snake and best avoided.

Yes R is not / never was your friend.

There is a balance between condemnation and complete acceptance of what he said .

I never trust anyone 100% I think it is very nieve. Tbh.

Things move on in the playground though very fast

U did nothing wrong op..... that little child must have been very grateful to have ur child around to play with when all this was going on. Dont listen to other i dont talk to any 1 at the school gates never have never will. I have friend dont need any others.

Well, you live and learn.

Your son's friendship will have been, and no doubt still is, invaluable to the other little boy.

Use what you've learned and move on. Don't dwell on what you could/should have done because it's over. Your child is fine, the other boy is being cared for by people that love him and his mother is receiving professional help.

R would tell other parents to stay away from me because I was friends with K and that I was disloyal to women generally by being friends with a woman beater

R doesn't sound like much of a friend to the sisterhood either.

On the bright side, OP, you've managed to get rid yourself of two dodgy characters in one fell swoop.

R wasn't exactly supportive of other women, was she. She was more than happy to slag you off behind your back.

But was the husband a wife beater? Or could he not cope with life and child once his wife was sectioned?