To not have to hide this ...

[Movin]

Leaving for a few days away on Sunday for my birthday with DH. We have DSC over the weekend, once they get dropped off to their mums we leave. DH doesn't want to mention the fact that we are going away, so as not to upset them. We are having a get together on Saturday with friends, with the DSC and DH has asked that I don't tell anyone we are going away, in case DSC overhear. (Some already know as I work with them and they know I've booked leave) I appreciate what DH is saying and by no means would I rub their nose in it. But is he being a bit unreasonable to ask me to hide it for fear of upsetting them - surely at 11 they can appreciate that adults get time alone too (I am partner of 10 years married 4)

Utterly ridiculous. I would not adhere to this stupid request.

If you were a relatively new partner and they were struggling to adjust then absolutely. But you're a main part of their family and I don't see why he thinks he needs to hide this!

I can't imagine many 11 year olds batting an eyelid at this, do you think DSC would or is your DH worrying over nothing?

are you the op who almost didn't get to go away because he wanted them to come because he couldn't afford sports club?

I do think it's reduculas, it's perfectly ok for parents to go out or away, iv gone on many a night out or weekend with friends ir partner and my children have said have fun... they also ask for something to from there. 😂

Totally ridiculous, here, I have a spare grip he can have

Is it that he can't deal with their emotions or negative opinions of him?

He'll do anything not to upset them, he had a dreadful childhood and can't cope with them even being slightly upset. Which unfortunately means the DSC thinks the world revolves around them. They are an only child and live mostly just with mum so struggle when all the attention isn't in them.

This must be the same DH who wanted to cancel so that the kids could go to sports camp? It does seem like this trip has become a lot of hard work. You have holidays with the DSC coming up don’t you?

I wouldn’t see the need to hide this.

After reading your update I sympathise with you all, but DH does need to tell DSC. it should be normal for him to be doing things with you.
I do feel for DH though if his childhood was terrible and he just wants to spare his child from negative feelings, but obviously he's ended up taking this too far. DSC knows no other no isn't at fault, and you are in the middle!

I suppose a slow steady change to 'normality' is the only way to change this. Doing it gradually will give DH confidence to stop protecting DSC unnecessarily and for DSC to adapt

Yes another 2 trips coming up ..... it's a bit exhausting

He is doing them no favours whatsoever, have you told him how you feel?

Either way there is no way I would keep it secret, if asked I would openly discuss it with your friends. He might not care about looking like an eejit but I would. What does he want you to say "ssshhh snowflake is within earshot"? People will think you are mad

Yes, he agrees to try and then falls into the path of least resistance etc.
Agree I won't exactly have the cases by the door but will talk about it when asked. Glad I'm not being a heartless step mum

If I hadn’t known my parents were going away with their respective partners at various times, I’d have missed out on the massive tolberones when they got back, and that would have been too sad.

Remind him that the prime directive of parenting- for everyone- is to guide our kids to a mature, resilient, independent (of us) life. Build humans that are an asset to society, and can think for themselves. Unless they have diagnosed special needs, which necessitates different (equally valid) paths.

If he’s ‘all about his kid’, how does he justify ignoring the prime directive?

He needs to start applying the same philosophy as vaccination to his parenting. A little of pain, regularly, to allow the kid to grow stronger and more able.

Send him to counselling so he can process his own childhood, and stop messing up someone else’s. It’s a bit immature and predictable these days for your DH to just pat himself on the back for offering the exact opposite of his parent’s failures. Doesn’t everyone know that this kind of pendulum swing is just as damaging? Finding a considered equilibrium is the goal, by recognising and dealing with our own past hurts. Otherwise, it’s still actually ‘all about him’ and not focussed on what’s best for his child (a different person).

@Skittlesandbeer that is some good advice. He won't go to a councillor, have tried as I think it would unlock some of his emotions, he can be emotionally detached with me. But not with DSC or his friends.

Haven't read your previous threads so forgive me, but what is the relationship with the ex like? Is she likely to kick off about 'upset' kids?

Who are you keen to tell about your trip that you can't if you stick to your DH's request?