Worried baby will have birth mark.

[Letitiea]

I've name changed, as I've spoken to a couple of people about this (both blokes who I am fairly sure don't have mn!) but just to be on the safe side.

I have a pretty big birthmark that has caused me huge anxiety my whole life. It covers about a quarter of my body and only my parents and DP know the full extent of it. DP likes it and makes me feel beautiful and strangely I don't feel uncomfortable around him. Anyone else I would die on the spot if they saw it.

I have this awful irrational fear that my baby will be horribly deformed or will have to grow up with the same problems I did. I don't believe it is genetic however it's still a huge fear I have. I know that childbirth is going to be full of fear of seeing my baby for the first time.

I think I actually need to be told I'm being stupid and unreasonable. I have only talked to DP about it and nobody else other than my parents know how big my birthmark is. I have nobody to talk to in rl.

AIB stupid to worry about this?

I think your anxiety is normal in the circumstances but there is nothing to say that even if your child had the same mark that they would have the same experience as you. I was mocked for an aspect of my appearance. My DD has the same “problem” but I have been nothing but positive to her and refused to model body shame. More people have seen my body since having my DD than ever did before. I have faked my confidence in front of her for years but it’s worked, she has no concerns about her own appearance and I am much more confident than I ever was.

Can you talk to your midwife / GP? I’d certainly consider a counselling appt to talk it through

My dd is 2 and has a birth mark (brown in colour) on her leg. The doctors and skin specialists have told me it 'will grow with her and be really big, it will also become hairy and warty'

They have already told me I should start teaching her how to respond to other children as it may be an issue. They said "oh and she is so pretty too'
I know I am being sensitive but I felt like saying that she is still pretty with her big birth mark.
I just say to her "where is your beautiful mark?" And she says "here mummy" and points.

Please don't worry, your child will be beautiful whatever and as others have said it is not generic

@Letitea: ah okay, I don’t really know the difference to be honest (mine could be a port wine one too, we’ve always just called it a strawberry birthmark - no idea why!), but you obviously feel very self-conscious about it and I appreciate that makes things hard. I really do think it’s unlikely your little one will have a birthmark, but if they do then there’s really nothing you can do about it, so try not to worry (easier said than done, I know!) and just focus on the positives - you get to meet your little one soon!

I'm sorry that you felt your birthmark affected you so much, OP. I'm sure that makes it more difficult, but if it's not genetic then you have no more to worry about than anyone else.

My DS1 has a very large birthmark over his back and shoulder, and I've never let it worry me –I'm hoping that that will help him not worry about it too. I have lots of tattoos so I always joke that it's his natural tattoo and that he's lucky to have it without having to go through the pain!

I think it makes him unique and special. I hope he grows up thinking the same thing!

It’s absolutely not genetic.

And the important thing to remember is that birth marks are very common and if your baby did have one, that would be fine too.

My brother has a cafe au lait perfect map of Australia on his fore arm. DS had a salmon patch mark on one eyelid, which faded within a few weeks, faded almost away within a few months, and now only shows if he’s been crying.

I have a now faded wine birth mark behind my ear. My DM was told it was just bruising from forceps delivery but it wasn't.

DD has no birth marks. DS has a very very small one on his thigh.

Its easy to say don't worry when you're not the person who's pregnant and worrying, but please try not to worry. You know its not genetic and if they do end up with one you can show them that its perfectly fine - its not stopped you from having a career and a loving relationship etc even if inside you feel differently

OP have a look at yulianna.yussef on insta. She has a birthmark covering a similar area to yours plus lots of moles on the rest of her body. She posts lots of glam shots of herself on insta, really embracing her body.

I have a giant cafe au lait birthmark which covers my legs.
I am forever being asked if my fake tan has gone wrong etc. It's not as obvious as port but in the sun it goes very very dark and I am very pale.
My son was born with a strawberry mark on his side. Very raised and very, very red. I blamed myself. He's nearly 2 and it's nearly gone!

@cakedup just had a quick look. She's beautiful! Her birth mark is similar to mine just a bit smaller. She's really quite gorgeous. Following! Thank you!

@Letitiea you sound like you can’t wait to meet your baby. And I think you’re very sensible to have watched those videos as you’ll be prepared for your beautiful baby. My partner looked horrified when our first came out all bluish - I thought something had gone terribly wrong from his face!

You say ‘them’ is the sex a surprise? Maybe you can think about finding that out at birth, rather than what you’re worrying about?

With my first I was knackered and basically forgot I was having a baby. I was just relieved they told me I didn’t need to push any more, so being handed a baby was a lovely surprise!

@BustopherJones I know 'them' is terrible grammar but 'it' seems wrong. Sex is a surprise but I KNOW it's a boy (prepared to be laughed at when it turns out baby is a girl).

I'm so, so excited. I'm just terrified at the same time...

Op, for years I feared having a daughter because I didn’t want a child to go through any of the hell i went through in my youth with body dismorphia, low self esteem and confidence.
I seem to have the world’s most confident, straight forward dd. I swear she’s come into the world to show me what it’s like to be a young woman and move easily through life.

Your child won’t be a mini you, she won’t go through the struggles you’ve been through.
Congratulations on your baby, you will bring each other a lot of happiness

Awww, I'm sorry you're upset OP. Please remember though that even if baby does have a birth mark there's no reason why he/she should be bothered by it, just because you are about yours. My sister has a large one over her inner thigh but she doesn't give a monkeys, very happy to wear shorts, bikinis etc and it's never held her back socially. I've also nannied for a little girl who was physically deformed but she was a confident and happy little thing - everyone accepted her and, far more importantly, she accepted herself as being just fine the way she was!

Op Birthmarks are pretty random, I have one like a picture of a potato 🥔 on my leg. I’m strangely fond of it. Your baby will be gorgeous, with or without a birthmark. Even if your baby did have a similar mark to you, is that so bad ? You’ve obviously had a tough time with it, but your baby might not. Birthmarks make people interesting ! You are loved, you are pregnant, you will be a kind and lovely Mum, it’s all good !

Ohyesiam, that is lovely.

@Letitiea There is definitely a point where ‘it’ seems completely wrong isn’t there!

Maybe you could try to think about the moment of finding out if you have a boy or girl, so you have a positive feeling about the moment of birth that’s not connected to worrying about a birthmark.

I have 2 friends with birthmarks on their faces. One is very at ease with it, and the other covers it with makeup because she is self conscious of it. They’re both beautiful, but they have different experiences, so feel very differently to each other.

I hope you do the photo shoot!

One of the loveliest, kindest people I know and who got the loveliest sexiest husband has huge dark birth mark covering a third of her face. No-one else in her family has any birthmark at all.

I'm sorry you suffered as a child, my lovely friend did too. I would never wish that on anyone.

The odds are that birthmarks are not genetic. So realistically, your baby won't have one. But your anxiety isn't abnormal. I have a facial birthmark. It's not something that I think about from day to day. And with or without what is in essence a facial deformity, I'm confident about my looks.

But when my son was born with a stork mark (a temporary facial birthmark) I was extremely upset for him. Far more than I ever was for me. I know what it's like to live with the mark. How you can be just living your life, even as a child, and random strangers, grown fucking adults, come up to ask you what's wrong with your face. Kids asking is one thing, but grown adults..... (And tbh, I actually really, really hate it when kids ask too. I get that it's totally normal for them to ask but it makes me sad. I even told that to a 'friend' once and about an hour later when her kid asked her about it, she encouraged him to ask me. So that hurt on two levels.) Don't get me wrong it's not this overwhelming part of my life that I give a lot of headspace to. I don't, so I hate it when someone else puts it in my head. And I'd hate, hate, hate for my son to live with it too.

The main thing is, that I can see now that the odds are that my birthmark had an impact on my personality. There is a 'spike-iness' to me that I don't think I'd have without it. I'm a nice, friendly person but I have a defensiveness/low tolerance for shit, especially that directed at someone else, and an inclination to attack as the best form of defence. (I don't mean physically attack, just metaphorically.) I've always stood up to bullies at school and in the workplace, even if the bully was the teacher or a boss. Which sounds great but it's not always been a positive aspect to my life. And as I've gotten older, I can see how having a facial birthmark played a role in the development of that aspect of my personality.

My baby has a HUGE raised claret coloured birthmark on her head (starts on her hair line) you can't miss it you could see it from space!
Its the looks she gets from strangers :( (nearly 5 months) explaining it gets annoying. She wasn't born with it and her other 4 siblings have none. (I have an app in October for it)
But...we don't notice it really she's a lovely little thing and the happiest child ever.
Even if your baby did have one?
Your baby will be beautiful.

Apparently irrational worrying whilst pregnant and dreams about your baby being unatrractive, deformed (what if I don’t love him) type things are very very common!

It’s normal to fear that our children will face the same things that tormented us. Dd is 9 and I still worry, but the truth is that she has had her own unique challenges to face. As a Mom, you will do your best to help your child face them.

inkydinky makes a good point: even if your baby had exactly the same birthmark, that doesn't mean anyone would ever bully them about it

bullying is a funny thing: it doesn't follow a straight grading system

primarily because it's about the bullies and their insecurities, not about the bullied person

my dd had quite a few more problems than I did but was not bullied as badly

some of that may have been my personality, but a lot of it no doubt was because of the specific insecurities of the people who bullied me

the most popular girl in my class was fat and bad at sport and absolutely never part of any bullying group, so you'd have thought she'd be the target

it's all completely irrational and no point in trying to make predictions about

My son has a birthmark on his face. We get lots of comments asking what he did to himself or thinking it’s food I didn’t clean off him. It’s not a big deal though. We just say it’s a birthmark. Maybe he’ll be self conscious about it when he is older but we’ll make sure he is well aware it’s whats on the inside that counts and (since I imagine this is often the biggest worry with these things) there are millions of girls out there who know that.