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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The case of the EX

9 replies

Unluckyinlove2 · 11/09/2018 22:15

Name changed for this.

Been with DH for 5 years and have 2 DC’s. During my first pregnancy found out that he was hiding some things mainly regarding ex wife and him still having contact ( No DC’s together). What really got to me was the fact that he was doing it behind my back. Explained to him that I felt uncomfortable with them been in contact esp behind my back and he promised to cut ties and keep me in the loop about things in the future. Few months later found him on her social media pages. Again had a conversation and he said he felt like he just wanted to know how she was doing. We’d just had a baby so not sure how he could give a shit about her at such a stage in our lives. These plus various incidents of constantly hiding things from me have led me to lose all my confidence and feel generally shitty about myself. I’m constantly in a state of wondering if there is more to this than he is letting on or if I am just been paranoid. Sometimes I think maybe I’m overreacting and him having the odd convo here and there with his ex or looking her up is Normal? AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Unluckyinlove2 · 11/09/2018 23:04

Bump

OP posts:
noego · 11/09/2018 23:20

If there are no DC's he shouldn't be in contact with her or checking her SM. Bizarre behaviour!!

ProcrastinatingPingu · 11/09/2018 23:24

No, it’s not normal behaviour.
They used to be married and shared a decent portion of their life together, it’s weird he wants to keep some part of that going.
To actively seek her out would be ringing my alarm bells, and I’d be telling him I won’t be putting up with that shit any longer if I were you.

NC4THIS11 · 11/09/2018 23:25

He knows how you feel about it so I'd be wanting to know why he priorities checking in with the ex wife over his current partner and mother of his child's feelings. YANBU

CantWaitUntilTheWeekend · 11/09/2018 23:33

Yes that's strange! No reason they can still be friends but not secretly.

Why did they split?

Courtney555 · 11/09/2018 23:39

It's the behind your back that rings alarm bells. If it was innocent then he wouldn't be doing it and not telling you. Especially when he knows how you feel about it.
Looking up his ex is important enough to still do it, knowing it upsets the mother of his children. Something not right there.

Unluckyinlove2 · 13/09/2018 19:36

Hi ladies,

Thank you for you’re replies. We’ve gone back and forth in arguments over the last few months with him making me feel like I’m over reacting about his actions.

They spilt up because she cheated on on him.

I no longer trust him and now don’t fele their is much left of this marriage.

Those of you who forgave your lying men how did you do it?

OP posts:
LemonSqueezy0 · 13/09/2018 19:55

The issue is that he did it behind your back, but if he turned round now and said sorry you're right and from then on was open and honest about it, would you trust him? Wave him off as he went off to meet her for a coffee?

He's broken the trust, more than once. He should try very bloody hard make it right, not you ask how you can forgive him.

Spanglyprincess1 · 13/09/2018 20:54

My dp did this with his ex gf not ex wife. I was soo angry, it was the lying not the contact. I don't care about contact but I care about lying! It completely destroys the trust and it's hard to build up. As what else could they be lying about...and doubt is hard to shift
. If it helps in my case I spoke to dp and explained how I felt and why it was serious to me.
He is under a very very strict understanding that if he lies to my face again then we are done - we have a baby together too.
Tbh if it was a once off I'd forgive but let them know how I felt.

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