to not want DS's GF to stay here so often

[Ditto66]

DS is 30. He's returned home for 3 months to complete his thesis. He has been with GF for 8 years, but they have been LD for the last year. She is living nearby, with her parents. Gradually she has moved in and is now here pretty much all the time.

In the recent past she has been quite rude and aggressive, directly to me and youngest DD. She's been vocally judgemental about our home and lifestyle. That has died down and she is being generally OK now. But it's hard as a result to be entirely relaxed with her around.

When DS is here on his own we all eat together. It's a family home (single parent with two other teenagers)and that's how it should be - I always cook plenty for everyone. (But when GF is here it's like living with a separate couple and they cook together. I have said I would prefer if we could all eat together and why don't they cook for everyone instead occasionally. They did that once (she was offended by my suggestion apparently and thought it was very rude!). They have now started cooking separately again. It just feels weird and awkward. I feel uncomfortable, and low level stressed in my own home. It's affecting my sleep. I also work from home and it's affecting my concentration and ability to get on with work.

GF is between jobs and she is around all the time some days. I have just suggested to son that perhaps she could not be here during the working day and they could spend some of their free time at her house. They also have bought a large van, fully kitted out to live in, which is parked outside, so could they spend weekends together in that. He is miffed and thinks I'm being unreasonable and selfish. In fairness he is completing his thesis and needs a work desk and they have not been able to spend as much time together as they would have liked in recent years. It has been tough for them. So I do feel bad too. Should I just loosen up and be a bit more relaxed? Or is it reasonable to suggest those boundaries? Or how else could we make it work?
(I haven't asked them to make a financial contribution and I don't want to. I don't want this to be long term).

I moved home c.27 for similair reasons and I wasn't even allowed my bf at the time to stay over (Ma is old fashioned). Absolutely fine, her house, her rules.

Its your home, and you should feel free to come and go as you please, to work and to relax. In other words, tell your DS that he and his GF need to be more respectful and give you space, and respect your (house) boundaries.

Stop being a doormat. This is YOUR home. Your son merely benefits from the privilege of being able to stay there. Don't make excuses, don't waffle, and don't apologize. Tell your son you need your space and privacy back and then tell him which days she is allowed to visit. Your son has a lot of nerve to tell you how your household should be run.

He's 30 and not making a contribution at all?

I think he's mugging you right off, and his Girlfriend, too.

I appreciate that it's different when they're adults but by 30 I'd imagine they'd want (and need) their own space and privacy? Surely if it's reached the point where you're this affected by it you need to speak to him directly and honestly about how you feel, and find a way to resolve it. This low-level stress isn't good for you at all, and isn't the way to healthy relationships.

Its your home and you don’t want to live with a couple. If they want to live together they need to move out.
He’s 30, you are doing him a massive favour. He shouldn’t be making your life uncomfortable in the process.

He is 30? Unless he is doing a PHD there is no reason why he couldn't do thesis, work and live like a grown up!

Yes, your house - your rules. Set some limits and rules, eg she is welcome to stay a couple of nights a week only. I would feel the same in your position OP. You should not be made to feel like this in your own home. I would also say no separate cooking / eating as it's so disruptive, and ask for a contribution towards food.

Why aren't you standing up for yourself and reading them the riot act? Your house, your rules. If they don't like it, they can walk away and pay rent. Let's see how much they like that idea.

Don't ever be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home. They are taking advantage and abusing your love for your son.

Thanks all. Reading this back I do sound like a doormat! I'm not in other areas of my life. @mickeysminnie yes he is doing PhD, so it's a transition time, hence me being a bit more gentle than would be normal for a 30 YO! After he hands it in in October, I will expect a contribution at least. But I think better they get their own place! DH also died 2 years ago, so yes @thethoughtfox the relationship with DS is even more precious.. Thanks for your solid suggestions @TwitterQueen1 :)