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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or over sensitive - nursery and what does your DH do related?

27 replies

Foreverexhausted · 11/09/2018 15:05

We live in a 'village' commuter belt distance from London. Both originally from London, neither of us are 'high earners' but we do earn above minimum wage.

Our three year old has just started at a nursery that is attached to a private primary/secondary school. There are lots of nurseries in the area but we really liked the staff and environment at this particular one. Obviously the idea is your child will progress through the school but we've already said it will be just the nursery for us as we have two children and can't afford the £16k per year per child school fees.

We are on day four and already I'm struggling. 'Friendly' conversation seems to consist of asking what DH does for a living, where he works and whether he owns his own business, then whether I 'have' to work, followed by telling me without prompting what their DH does, asking which road we live in (in other words weighing up whether we live in one of the big or small, expensive or not houses), how many children we have or intend to have go through the school. I had one mum seem very friendly but I've tried to make conversation with her this week and she's told me she's made friends with other mums who live in the 'bigger houses'. I've never experienced this before and I feel like they're weighing up whether I'm worth knowing or not. Is it the same at all nurseries/schools? I had no idea such snobbery existed.

OP posts:
araiwa · 11/09/2018 15:08

Fairly standard 'getting to know people' questions arent they

Original poster
Foreverexhausted · 11/09/2018 15:11

Normally I would say very normal questions but the tone is different. It feels like I'm being assessed.

OP posts:
PassMeTheHaribosAmego · 11/09/2018 15:14

Oh God I remember this
It’s all about their insecurities and climbing the ladder
I just concentrated on my children
Just watching them play their game of trying to out do each other was both amusing and exhausting

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 11/09/2018 15:15

Sounds like pretty average mum small-talk to me - one of the reasons I hate the school gates!

The tone is difficult to convey in writing, so it’s not easy to say how much of it is actually them being snobby and how much is because you’re clearly already feeling that you don’t belong there, so maybe putting emphasis on their questions where they don’t intend any.

Could it be that pointing out where her other new friends live is because she can’t remember their names and hoped that might prompt you?

BitchQueen90 · 11/09/2018 15:16

Those aren't normal questions in my social circle! Nobody at my DS's school has ever asked me anything about my job or my DH's job (I don't even have a DH). Hardly anyone knows where I live apart from DS's friends. Conversation revolves mainly around school and our children at DS's school.

Mandarine · 11/09/2018 15:19

I would say this is very odd OP - are you sure it’s not just one or two people who may have asked you this and you’re feeling a bit paranoid? I’ve had three DC go through independent schools (London though) and not once in ten years have I been asked what DH does. There are super-rich and people struggling to pay fees, but who would know or care about your circumstances unless you decide to tell them?

Original poster
Foreverexhausted · 11/09/2018 15:25

Somehow a mum managed to strike up conversation today by asking if I'm 'local' because she moved in to the area when she married her DH who runs a 'very successful business' and they've just bought a new Range Rover. What the......?

I feel like I've arrived in Hot Fuzz! There is a petition and meeting in the local community hall because the council have approved a new development of Housing Association properties, 16 in total, and everyone is up in arms because the village is not the place 'for those kind of people!'

OP posts:
79Fleur · 11/09/2018 15:30

I would have agreed fairly standard getting to know you questions...until the part where the other mum said I made friends with people who live in bigger houses. If that conversation actually happened like that then that is blatant snobbery - however giving the benefit of the doubt she may of been saying she has made friends with people closer to her own area ..just not very tactfully.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 11/09/2018 15:30

Christ that sounds like an awful environment. I would worry those snobby opinions would go through their kids to mine too.

DanglyBangly · 11/09/2018 15:36

Think you need to detach and find the humour in it, to get you through. Make up ‘snobby question bingo’ in your head and see how many hits you can get in one conversation.

Rebecca36 · 11/09/2018 15:37

You're not being assessed, there are some people who can't think of anything else to say as an ice breaker. I too have been asked that, answered and dismissed it. They will forget in five minutes. I do not ask the question myself, partly because it doesn't interest me but also because I think it shows a lack of imagination.

You get a lot of brainless gossipy people hanging around the school gates but don't let it bother you.

Regarding the petition about housing association properties and 'people', not everyone will be joining in. You won't for a start! In any case it won't make any difference (what is wrong with housing associations anyway?).

Glad you've found such a good nursery.

Haireverywhere · 11/09/2018 15:41

Everyone's packing round ere Wink

School gate mentality x 100! I wouldn't want to get involved in a competitive conversation about houses and cars and how odd to meet other parents and say "we run a successful business". Wouldn't everyone just say 'we run a xyz business"?

Coyoacan · 11/09/2018 15:46

I find it so sad that normal introductory conversation would revolved around asking about what someone's husband works at in 2018.

Christ that sounds like an awful environment. I would worry those snobby opinions would go through their kids to mine too

This.

Thanks heavens your child isn't going to stay on for primary school.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/09/2018 15:50

YANBU. A few years after dh and I moved to where we are living I found out from those from the surrounding area that people here are considered snotty. It is true to some extent. There are some, who really look down their noses at you, which really pisses me off. I can hold my own against them financially. But quite frankly, why should I have to? Ironically there is a woman, who does this and apparently she’d be all over me like a rash if she knew where I live as my house is in a desirable location. Personally I’d much rather be friends with the person in the little flat / 2 up 2 down with a few brain cells and an open mind.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/09/2018 15:50

If it's a feeder nursery for a private school then I would say you are being assessed as "worthy" of getting to know, or are you just going to be there for nursery and then move on to some state school, so your DC won't be associating with their precious little darlings.

You will find some people there who are normal and ask normal questions - but finding out your financial and social status are not normal for most people, unless they plan to use that information to decide on whether or not you "fit" in their social circle.

billybagpuss · 11/09/2018 15:53

You can bet there are other mums in your situation, the ones with true class don't care what you do and judge on you, not on the size of your house.

I've been in and around private schools in one way or another for a long time and for every one who is comfortably wealthy there is at least one close to bankruptcy and trying very hard to keep up appearances. I have even come across one who had their house repossessed trying to keep up with school fees. Just be light and breezy but most of all be you. It will soon settle down when half of them realise that the ones with the biggest houses don't care who they are friends with.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/09/2018 15:53

ThumbWitches
Yes I agree. Totally. Op and her dc will be rejected, which is so sad. As long as it doesn’t affect nursery life, no terribly big deal I suppose. However, I did find I met friends through nursery.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 11/09/2018 16:05

We are on day four and already I'm struggling. 'Friendly' conversation seems to consist of asking what DH does for a living, where he works and whether he owns his own business, then whether I 'have' to work

Why NO, I don't have to work, but I've never liked the idea of being a 'kept woman'. Besides I worked hard for my career! You?

lovetherisingsun · 11/09/2018 16:08

At my kids school, no one asked what we did for 9 months. I guess it depends where you live.

Immigrantsong · 11/09/2018 16:11

YANBU. All the best, it sounds horrible.

AjasLipstick · 11/09/2018 16:19

We went to a nursery like that. One of the Mums organised a 'get to know you" event for everyone and chose the most expensive hotel in town....I think to weed out the "wheat from the chaff".

It backfired on her though as only about 3 people turned up. She was a horrible cow. She said a racist comment to one Mum and nobody had the nerve to speak up.

I said "Did you mean what you just said to sound racist?: and everyone turned red and looked at their feet. Except her. She laughed loudly and said "Don't be so silly!"

It was racist. The Mum who it was aimed at spoke to me later and said she couldn't cope in that place and was leaving.

I left a year later with DD going to a nice normal village school

hipposarerad · 11/09/2018 18:51

I wouldn't be able to resist ducking with them a bit:

Them: "So what does your hubby (I bet at least one of them used the term "hubby") do? "
Me: "Jewellers mostly, when he's not inside that is"

hipposarerad · 11/09/2018 18:53

Ah crap, it seems my tablet is a 'ducking' prude...

Imustbemad00 · 11/09/2018 19:09

I don’t think these are normal gettinnto know someone questions. I have never asked someone those questions, or had anybody ask me. They are just things you find out about people over a longer period of time through conversations and passing comments. I would not dream of asking a stranger such questions.

madeoficecream · 11/09/2018 19:18

I think give it time to settle down. I imagine everyone is trying to present themselves in the best way they know how to try and make friends at the moment. So for some people that will mean trying to impress with wealth and status.... I reckon it will settle down as peoples actual personalities become obvious. Try not to be insecure because not every woman there will be up her own arse and pretty soon who is a decent person and who is not will become apparent.
Why gives a shit what car someone has etc if you are just trying to make a friend? Most people want friends who are kind and funny and supportive and share some interests with them maybe... There will be people who want that in a friend in every financial bracket.

My child does not go to a private nursery but the nursery he goes to is in the poshest area of an already expensive and posh town to live in.
Id say 90% of the other mums there earn more than me (which wouldnt be hard as I earn nothing and before that was on minimum wage) and/or have husbands earning more than mine. Some of them are lovely and ive made some friends.

Just give it time and do not be made to feel ashamed for random petty things like how much you earn.