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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party invitation dilemma

28 replies

Thefatcatswhiskers · 11/09/2018 12:11

My DS has a 14th birthday coming up. The past 2 years he has invited anyone he wanted, usually about 8 of his school friends and they have went for a game of football/food, inflatable assault course/food. This year he wants to go on a school trip which is quite a bit of money so we’ve told him we can’t afford to invite as many as before and he’ll have to scale down numbers for his party.
How to decide who to invite without causing offence? Is this even possible?
Some of the boys have had parties which he’s been invited to, some that he hasn’t been invited to.
His dad has said he should decide who he wants to invite regardless of whether he has/hasn’t been to theirs. I’m on the fence.
I know parties are a minefield and don’t want to cause any fallouts.
We’ve suggested a few alternatives.
A. Inviting everyone round to ours for pizza/birthday cake. DS thinks this would be boring.
B. Not having a party and just celebrating as a family.
C. Let DS decide who he wants to come to the scaled down party.
Anyone else been in this situation? Thoughts please.

OP posts:
Havaina · 11/09/2018 12:13

Le him go to an activity or football with pizza with two friends. He decides who they are, regardless of whether they have invited him to their birthday or not.

MrsJayy · 11/09/2018 12:14

If he is getting the trip for his birthday I would just do a birthday with family

youngestisapsycho · 11/09/2018 12:16

At 14 dont they just all go to Nandos with their mates?

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 11/09/2018 12:16

He's 14 and your dilemma isn't relevant and hasn't been for years. If he was 4 you might have an issue, at 14 you do not. It doesn't matter, do as you please.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 11/09/2018 12:17

X box party at home? They bring their own controller and you provide food /drinks.

Padparadscha · 11/09/2018 12:18

Do 14 year olds have birthday parties? Why not just let him have a few mates around for pizza/snacks/unlimited control of the tv (if he doesn’t have one in his room).

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 11/09/2018 12:18

You don't invite someone to receive an invite in return so his dad is correct in saying just because they invited him it doesn't mean they need inviting to his party.

I also agree coming over for pizza and cake sounds pretty boring, more like an afternoon at your mates house than a party. However, given he is 14 does he actually need a party? Ask him what he wants to do and if he chooses a party then limit the amount of people who attend, but don't be suprised if he doesn't want a party at all.

Slimtimeagain · 11/09/2018 12:18

Does he need a party? At that age if my parents were paying for an expensive school trip then I wouldn't expect a party. Can't he just have a few mates over for a pizza and movie?

KC225 · 11/09/2018 12:19

Pizza, Sharknado box set and pr other recent horror film) plus reaction tape. All his friends - not boring at all.

Utilimately, it's your son's birthday and at 14 he gets to choose. He is the one facing the kids at school. Surely the school gate party invite stand off is over at 14.

LusaCole · 11/09/2018 12:22

I’m currently organising my DS’s 13th birthday party so I disagree with the posters saying that he’s too old for birthday parties. But I do think it should be his decision. Which of the three would he choose? If you can afford pizza and birthday cake for everyone at your house, then can’t you afford football (in the park) and pizza and birthday cake?

BarbraDear · 11/09/2018 12:22

I wouldn't be worrying about a party at 14! Tell him he can have his mates round for pizza/dvd/xbox tourney and that's it, at 14 I think that's more suitable.

MrsJayy · 11/09/2018 12:24

I think you are over thinking it your sons expectations are too high though he is getting the trip he doesn't need a party and there is nothing wrong with his friends coming round for pizza and a film

powerwalk · 11/09/2018 12:25

At 14 you are off the hook. No need for parties.

Let him decide what he wants to do (and remind him to take care with who he invites) and facilitate his idea and keep out of it.

Most parents are checked out of the friendship worries by this age.

IceBearRocks · 11/09/2018 12:33

What???? Noooooo I thought I was coming to the end of parties with my eldest DS at 11?

I agree with having some mates over or going out with a couple of friends!

JustDanceAddict · 11/09/2018 12:35

If he’s 14 he decides! Ds is 14 and couldn’t decide what to do this year - he asked me to help re activity as it had to be something do-able in terms of logistics (dh had to go with as it wasn’t that near). He invited who he liked, although I was involved in making sure the parents knew details as it was specific to time/place rather than ‘turn up whenever at my house’. 14 yr old boys not that organised.

Trialsmum · 11/09/2018 12:35

I didn’t realise 14 year olds had parties...

JustDanceAddict · 11/09/2018 12:36

14 yr old boy parties ran gamut of actual party, meal out, activity (go-karting, golf, bowling), pizza and dvd.

JustDanceAddict · 11/09/2018 12:37

Why wouldn’t a 14 yr old do something for their bday? Even if it’s just a few friends bowling or cinema?

Havaina · 11/09/2018 12:39

I think people are taking OP's use of the word 'party' too literally.

She probably just means some friends coming over for pizza and cake, not that DS will have to cut a cake whilst everyone sings HB.

MrsJayy · 11/09/2018 12:45

There is nothi g wrong with a 14year old celebrating their birthday the Op wants to scale it down without offending anybody , posters are just pointing out that at 14 the who invited who thing you get at primary age shouldn't really apply at 14,

RedSkyLastNight · 11/09/2018 12:53

"DS I can spend up to x amount on a celebration for your birthday. No, you can't spend it all on sweets and Red Bull. Tell me what you'd like to do and (as long as it's not too bonkers) I will facilitate it as needed."

For his 14th birthday, DS invited 4 of his friends round, they streamed stuff from YouTube onto the telly, watched films, laughed manically, ate more pizza than I thought it was possible for 5 boys to eat and then stayed up most of the night eating the secret stash of sweets they'd all brought with them.
It was voted a very good party.

DailyMailFail101 · 11/09/2018 12:59

He’s 14 does he need/want a party? Maybe let him invite the people he wants but just get them a few takeaway pizzas and a movie?

Original poster
Thefatcatswhiskers · 11/09/2018 13:11

Some good points made. I realise using the word ‘party’ is a bit old fashioned for a 14 year old. I need to get up to speed. I used the word party as that’s what the invites he received had on them.
Just for fun, what age do you think the birthday invites/cake are appropriate to?

OP posts:
RedSkyLastNight · 11/09/2018 13:41

We didn't send invites once they got to secondary school (arrangements made via social media, managed by DC).
Cake is always appropriate :)

Witchofwisteria · 11/09/2018 14:30

If hes 14 why not just throw a party at home, get some pizzas from Asda and crisps and let them play XBOX and chill out together. Invites are a bit nerdy at their age, just let him sort it out at school but cake is a must otherwise its not a birthday :)

Then he can invite everyone he wants there instead of feeling restricted.