Dissembling husband

[Holimay]

DH has a history of telling 'white lies' to me in order to avoid conflict. It's a complex dynamic as in the past I've really lost my temper (I was unwell both physically and mentally). The most recent example is typically petty. He went to get a picture framed, I got upset (was about 8 months pregnant) as I'd wanted to chose the frame and asked him to cancel it, he said he had done. Five months later I found the new frame in the loft. Now, I don't care that much about the frame itself, but the feeling of uncovering a lie is just horrible. There are loads of examples on a similar scale-petty, but I find it really really hard to take. I also know for a fact that he lies to other people instead of just being straight with them in order to avoid objection. AIBU to hate this, and how do I get across to him how damaging it is?

Well it might be damaging but so was losing your temper.

He's doing it because he was affected by your past.

What you mention seems a little disturbing, like he's afraid of you. To hide a frame...something so minor...indicates his fear of your response and that's really the behaviour of someone who'se been abused.

If you were male and writing this, people would be very about it.

I think you need counselling. Both of you.

I’d probably lie too if I were afraid of someone’s explosive temper.

Path of least resistance.

Yes Ajas I know...we have both had counselling. We've barely had a cross word since DS (5 months) was born. But I feel like I'm being manoeuvred instead of treated like a partner

That's interesting Butchy. I do get it, I just don't know how to move past it. The worst patch temper wise was just after a miscarriage when I was very, very ill (undetected retained products) and he just did not get how serious it was. That was a couple of years ago though.

I also see him lying to other people a lot-his mum especially-when he can't be bothered to just talk to them properly. I don't know how far that can be blamed on the other person?

Some people lie all the time - it's a psychological problem and it can be hugely destructive to relationships. He may have lied to you about the frame because of your temper but it sounds like he also lies to everybody in his life, which suggests it is problem for him.

Have you asked him why he lies?

Spag to avoid people arguing with him. He thinks there's no problem with it, it's normal and entirely justified. Thing is, it does damage his other relationships-it confuses people and makes them a bit wary, even if they don't actually know he lied. He's got a whole raft of dissembling behaviour to ho with it-quietly doesn't share pertinent info, just does things without discussing with the relevant people, etc. I try to let it all go as the only downside to an otherwise brilliant partner but I've just come up against it this morning and wanted to sound out MN.

If he lies about little things, he will lie about big things. You can't trust him. Is this the marriage you want for the rest of your life?

I'm surprised you say it's the 'only downside' as though it's not a big deal - someone being constantly dishonest is a very big deal and fucks with your head - how can you have a relationship with someone who essentially isn't participating?

I also think it sounds like he’s scared of upsetting you, which isn’t a good dynamic at all. I sympathise, my mental illness has caused me to have some strange outbursts in the past. I think they only way to build trust is to show him your can respond reasonably, which will stop him needing to lie, rather than the other way round.