AIBU school autism violence HELP

[Coldshoulders]

So I have an 8 year old son who is diagnosed with autism. He's in year 4 and has been attending the same school since year 1. Last year I picked my son up to see another parent shouting at him for hurting there child. Then the other day he told me he kicked one of his class mates so I insisted he apologised (which he said he did) so I thought all is well he's settling in well. Took him to school this morning to have another parent pull me up angrily (as I would be in her position) telling me my son has been hitting her daughter and this has been going on since last year. They have told the teachers about this but no one has informed me. As a mother myself I don't like being shouted at like that so I did get abit angry back and told her I wasn't aware of this now I am aware of this I will deffo tell him he will be disciplined at home and I will do everything in my power to assure this doesn't happen again. I told the teacher to keep the kids away from eachother aswell. She then continued to say that her daughter is basically my son's carer in school, that one line literally broke my heart. In the middle of getting him statemented for a one to one. I asked the teacher who is monitoring our kids when my son is hitting other pupils. It's just making me feel so anxious and down, I'm dreading picking him up today. I have really bad anxiety and depression and this has really impacted on me. Is her daughter really left caring for my son in school? What if my son hurts someone else? I'm waiting for the school senco to give me a ring back, like I said this isn't the first time this has happened. Just feel really shitty and like I'm a shitty parent. "My daughter Is not your son's carer yano" that keeps going thru my head. Can anyone relate to this or offer any Advice on how to stop him hitting people in school? He isn't violent at home he's not been around violence n he's usually pretty calm so I just don't understand but I can't do anything if I'm not there and no one tells me. Think I'm gunna take the computer away until he stops hitting people because I just don't know what else to do. Also not relevant but when he started the school they left him unattended with a pair of scissors and he cut his lip open and had to go hospital to have stitches. I don't want to change his school unless I feel I really need to but atm I don't know what else to do. These mum's who confront me ain't the type of people u want problems with and I'm just so lost and don't know what to do. He's an only child aswell any help advice or anything would be much appreciated I don't want my son hurting anyone I don't think it's acceptable he has so AIBU to question why the school haven't told me and question where they are when my son is doing this? I just need some advice pls x

It sounds like you need to speak to his teachers to come up with a plan for how he can be supported in school. The lack of communication from the school is pretty poor and you should not have had to find this stuff out from an angry parent.

I can see why the parents arent happy as its really horrible when another child is hitting yours. My dd has asd and had a 1:1 before she was even diagnosed or had an ehcp and she isnt violent. Sounds like the school need to be doing more.

The school is letting all the children down. I would request a meeting with the teacher, the head and anyone else you think should be in on the discussion and try to establish firstly what has been happening, secondly why they have not informed you and thirdly what the best plan forward is so that you can support he school s efforts at home.

Does the school have any training in how to teach autistic children?? Sounds like your son is getting no where near the support he needs from the teachers. Sounds like he's just being left to it, that's scary, and he will need a bit extra support he probably feels out of sorts and anxious about this and that's what's causing the hitting.
The school should have a care plan around your son, to help him, speak to the school, they need to help him more or you'll need to find a school that has more experience with autistic children.
I wouldn't be angry at him, if be angry at school.

Thankyou for all ur advice made me think maybe it's not because of my parenting as I really was questioning myself there thinking if it's something I have done or whatever think I always will kinda blame myself. Not easy being a fulltime single mum to a child with extra needs. I just learn everyday I suppose. Waiting for the school to ring me back I think me n the mum understood eachother once we both calmed down and I apologised for him hitting her child. I don't think violence is ok wether it's my child hitting another or vice versa and if I was the child's mum I would also be angry it's just our mum mode to protect our children. I myself am questioning if this school is doing enough for my son (forgot to mention it's mainstream school) gunna wait for the call n will update u all n thankyou again for your advice this isn't my fault I think if they in school n in the care of the school they should be looking after them. No child should have to go to school and be hit tho. But I shudnt have to find out like that I can understand the mum's anger as she said it's happened more than once n she's told the school who didn't tell me it's a shame because I thought they was good friends, I didn't think her child was left caring for my son which I don't agree with either xx

I think you need to know what was happening in the lead up to your DS kicking out. Perhaps he was been taunted or put in a difficult situation which is why the teacher hasn't brought it to your attention.

Yeh I think ur prob right there something must of triggered him as he's usually a really loving polite child he's very rarely violent at home it's just not good sat here worrying about him now wondering what's actually happening at the school I get the impression he's just left to do what he wants n so are the rest of the class prob either way I don't want him hitting anyone xx

he needs more support in school. The school are not safeguarding the other kids unless they give him more support. So both sides being let down.

I would also want to know what is triggering him, and if the school can cut in before triggers. eg if change over between activities/rooms is too unstructured, then at those moments he can be directed to go to x place or do y thing, or be paired up with the TA, or even have a quiet corner he can go to. If you can find the pattern to the triggers, it should help enormously.

I would also not engage with this with parents at the gate, keep referring them back to school. You cannot do anything about his behaviour when you aren't in charge of him.

He is autistic. He is not hitting or kicking to be unkind, it is him reacting to a stress in his environment. He is not 'violent' he has a huge amount to cope with in a normal school environment and he can't manage all of it all day.

Thankyou I think that comment was bang on! Completely agree with everything that's been said I will also make sure i say this to the school when they call me back thankyou for all ur advice let's hope this can be resolved without anymore angry confrontations xxx

I have a child who is being assessed for asd and he will not people when he is scared. It sounds like your little boy could do with more support in school and he also might be struggling with the changes of the new school year.

You poor thing. I've been through this but at a time when funding was plentiful a decade ago.

My son was left unattended with a cricket bat.....he played helicopters with it as the blade, with upsetting consequences.

I'm going through applying for EHCP (statement) for another one of my children at the moment.

Can you meet with the schools SENCO and head teacher?

Firstly the school need to put in measures to help your son. They will be struggling for funding and won't want to do this unless they have no other choice.

You need to have a record of all incidents (this will help the EHC application), how and if they were reported, managed, monitored. Dates & times. The other parents may be able to help in a constructive way. They may appreciate you are trying to get more help and funding to support your child in school.

I would apply for the EHCP directly with the LA. If you can, get the school on side this will help greatly.

The benefits of applying as a parent are that you can appeal the decision if you disagree. A school cannot. So all their work applying for an EHCP may go to waste.

You need evidence to apply. Not a diagnosis as the EHCP is based on need not diagnosis. All other reports from assessments (medical, speech and language, psychological, physical) help your case too.

Document everything, make a paper trail. Follow up meetings with emails, follow up phone calls with emails.
I put everything down as a summary and emailed it.

IPSEA (online advice service) helped a lot.
We have been awarded an EHCP at last. I really do understand where you are coming from.

I would be intrigued by the «carer» stateent. Maybe ask the school if the teacher tells specific children that they are in charge of supervising your DS?

The school is failing your son and the children he is hitting. I suspect the angry parents are being treated with same lack of care. Make a complaint but you are going to have to get tough, you may need to investigate organisations who can support you in getting the support your son needs.

This is not about your failings but the failings of the system.

School have just rang me back apologising and saying they are gunna make sure they monitor him more, they said it's prob just the change from the school holidays and he shud settle soon. I told the school I want to be made aware of every incident that happens and that I want to work with them to give my son the help he needs. They told me to ignore the carer comment in which I responded it's ok u saying that but when I have an angry parent screaming at me confronting me then it's kinda hard to ignore and she apologised again. I think I will look into directly applying for the echp as the school started that process ages ago and nothing has been done. My son deffo does need a one to one worker. He was diagnosed at 2 with severe autism and tbf since his diagnoses I was discharged from the paediatrics service so I might go n see my doctor and request another referral to see if there is anything the autism paediatric can suggest. I very much want to get along with the other mums and I want all our kids to be happy and safe in school. If things don't improve then I will prob look into changing schools but tbh this is the 2nd school he's attended as the first was horrendous. Sounds like this school isn't far behind. And thankyou to the poster who said they have been thru similar situations makes me feel like I'm not alone. Deffo gunna look into sorting this one to one out as he obviously needs it. Sometimes things are just made hard but I will have to keep fighting for what my son is entitled to. Thankyou for all your kind comments it's made me feel as ease with the school run due in the next hour xxx

Firstly I really respect you for not using his diagnosis as an excuse and disciplining him like you would any other child. I have a friend with autistic children who refuses to act, her children even throw chairs at teachers and their answer is always "he cant help it" - which has led to his expulsion unfortunately, so you are doing the right thing here. You are not a shitty parent.

In terms of the accusations, I would be booking a meeting with the teachers ASAP to get to the bottom of this, if your DS is being accused of hitting someone since last year I would be asking why you have not been told? I find it really hard to believe that you have not been spoken to about a problem that severe.

With the carer comment I would ask the school how they think this might be perceived by the parent? A colleague has just found out her son is being asked to take another student with ADHD for a walk around the playground to calm down when a stressful situation occurs. She was understandably annoyed by this as her son is missing out on about an hour of school each week and its not his job to make the teachers life easier.

Autism or no autism my son shouldn't be hitting other children, I do try to parent him the same as I would if he didn't have autism but sometimes allowances have to be made, hitting other children isn't one of them tho! So thankyou and I asked the school why they haven't told me and also asked them if this parents child has been caring for my son in school which they said no but obv something has gone on for her to mention it. I don't want another child having to care for my son as that's what the school staff should be doing. Hopefully now I have spoken to the parent and school it will be resolved and school will step their game up and supervise the children properally and if any meltdowns or hitting occurs to ring me up n I will be straight at the school to help calm him down. I just want him to be happy and have friends in school and not to be hitting other kids, although sometimes kids will be kids. We will see soon how today went as I'm due on the school run soon. School assured me i will be informed of any more incidents and hopefully have a chat with my son and find out if there's anything wrong or upsetting him. But an angry confrontation which non of us parents want could of been avoided today simply by the school communicating with us all xx