To put lock on kitchen cupboard or to just hide snacks?

[shuz1980]

We have recently had my dh's dd (15yo) come and live with us. We also have 2 dc. Since dsd has come to stay with us she is eating anything and everything. We cook home cooked meals every night and dsd has same size portion as me and dh. So dont think she's still hungry, she's either greedy or has a sweet tooth. She has eaten 7 penguin bars during the night that the next morning ive had none to put in dc's lunch boxes for school. The other night, we woke up to 3 empty biscuit packets in the bin. She had eaten 3 packets while we were sleeping. We bought a ben and jerrys ice cream for the family to share and she ate the whole tub on her own. She just keeps eating and eating. But she claims it's not her. Ive stopped buying biscuits but she's eating the stuff for the sandwiches, even down to eating all wraps or all the tuna/cheese. I cant understand why she's eating so much. We've spoke to all the children about it and tried not to single her out but it still keeps happening. What would you do? My dh thinks we should put a lock on the snack cupboard so we can monitor their eating and they can only have when they ask. Our shopping bill is soaring at the minute. I dont know what to do or how to deal with it. Any advice would be great

Her body is in go-go mode*

Why has she come to live with you?

Was it her decision? Is she happy about it?

She doesn't sound very happy.

Could she be bulimic?

I think you need to sit and talk to the poor girl instead of putting locks on things.

Shame about eating is causing her to say it's not her. (My stepmother resorted to hiding the packed lunch things in her wardrobe when I was a teen, and I wasn't eating disordered so it might be quite common). Teens are impulsive and egocentric, but it is not good to make food or eating a subject where someone feels criticised.
I would continue with having a family approach - put packed lunch bits separately and covered; buy a whole load of cheap boring biscuits; encourage healthy eating; maybe bring fruit or snacks out gradually through the week.

She had some issues with her mum so came to live with us. I dont mind her being here, she's helpful, polite, my children love their big sister, she fits in with is really well, she's relaxed, were relaxed. She knows its her home ive been as welcoming as i can without being that annoying step mum who's trying to be her best friend. it's just the whole eating/bingeing. My dh is quite a strict parent where as im laid back, so dont want to be extreme putting locks on the cupboard but a more softer approach. But not sure what approach thats why i asked for suggestions and some have been really good.

Binge eating, Night Eating she not happy obviously and you think the worst thing about the situation is that YOUR children don't have a snack and your food budget is on the rise. She's eating her feelings it sounds more likely and she is feeling unsettled and adrift and trying to use food to cope than teen hormone hunger.

You still haven't addressed the change in circumstances when have lead her to suddenly live with you.

It was her choice to come and live with us and still has contact and stays with her mum the odd weekend.

All the best with it op. Maybe she’s just a bit traumatised by leaving her mum and whatever went on between them. Hopefully a bit of TLC will help her through it. I’m with you btw and think your dh’s idea of locking the cupboards is a knee jerk, blunt instrument. Not what a 15 yo needs at a vulnerable time.

We haven't lead her, she chose to live with us.

I think the binge eating is showing something emotionally wrong with her. Are there any options for counseling or someone independent she can talk to about it. I’d be really worried about her.

Ok xposted. She's eating because she's unhappy. Talk to her or talk to her Father and ask him to speak to her and give her some reassurance. Being separated from her Mother is obviously a big issue and she has access to very few coping mechanisms so food is substituted for comfort.

We haven't lead her, she chose to live with us.

Oh yes, I assumed she had chosen to move, but it’s still probably a fairly traumatic event for her and a difficult time.

From a household with 4 teenagers, I think you are doing the right things.

I personally would hide the lunchbox sweet snacks. Preferably away from the kitchen.

The other thing I do is make 4 or 8 of something, wrap them individually and put names on the wrapper.
This stops the most determined muncher.

Could she make healthy popcorn with a sprinkling of sugar and salt to help with the munchies?

My daughter is the same age and it's her I battle with the most over needing chocolate snacks.

You sound ..... unaware. Your 11 and 4 year old sound very unusual. I don't know any other kids who would be satisfied with a few nuts.

My 2 play football and eat constantly, as do all other football playing boys, apparently.
I make humongous meals of steak pie new potatoes and three steamed veg / spaghetti and meatballs etc,

and then we get through tonnes and tonnes of bananas, fruit, strawberries, grapes packets and packets of biscuits, cookies, crisps yoghurt's and carrots and houmus.

maybe your children are unusually not that bothered about snacks but
Your DSD sounds completely normal to me!!
apart from the three packets of biscuits (which to be fair is a bit greedy) but you know, my other son's done similar before!!

I suggest you start buying a lot more food. More pasta, paninis, etc, plus some treats.

I give her reassurance the only way i think i can, i tell her this is her home, we are happy she is here, i tell her it's her choice where she wants to be, no one is forcing her to be with us or her mum. She is loved here, her mum loves her. Her dad tells her every night he loves her and he's happy she's here. I personally think she is confused and in an ideal world wants her mum and dad back together (they broke up 13 years ago). I think she likes me, well i hope she does. I give her as much time as my own children, take her out with me, buy her little bits and bobs like crafts and nail polishes. Im just in a situation i dont know how to be in. Im trying but dont want to approach it wrong.

It sounds like she's emotionally eating or is in the grips of an eating disorder. It's more likely to be emotional eating though given what you've said maybe.

Until you get to the bottom of it the only thing you can do is lock stuff away. Then focus on her unhappiness. Or put a lock on the kitchen door overnight. Just temporary until things calm down.

You sound like you understand her really well op and sympathise with her situation. I imagine time will be a factor here. It’s all relatively new by the sounds of things, (living with you I mean, not your dh and his ex splitting up). Very difficult for you all though. Stepparenting is often a tough gig by the sounds of things .

Just because she 'chose' to, doesn't mean it's not traumatic, and she needs a settling in period.

If I'd been an only child, I'd have hated to have 2 siblings all of a sudden, even if I did like them.

Exactly oblamov, I imagine she’s feeling all sorts of things, including guilt at choosing to move away from her mum. Very confusing for her, as the op says.

My youngest just doesnt have a sweet tooth, i eat quite healthy and did during both my pregnancies. My go to snack is nuts so think my youngest just copies me. I buy the snacks so there there if wanted, or when nieces/nephews come over. I dont mind them being eaten, i buy them to eat but in moderation.

I have 6 kids 5 still at home. The youngest 4 are aged 5 to age 10. When the shopping comes through the door they are like customs searching them for the goodies. As for the kitchen it's like the vikings invading especially after school. And I still find my eldest(27) in the fridge and he has his own house, and he now comes with attached girlfriend. I think I feel like all I do is feed the Masses.

I think with that amount of food I would also be listening for excessive toileting habits for a couple of days as well, OP. I am saying this as a recovering bulimic. Not all bulimics are skinny.

We do the car boot trick.
Keep a box in the boot filled with the crisps and treats for school.
Collect what you need In the morning..

She may seem happy but clearly there is more going on- quite possibly stuff she doesn’t understand herself. Binge eating to fill an unfillable hole.

It needs to be addressed directly rather than covertly hiding food ( although obviously don’t leave temptation lying around). Watch carefully for signs of bulimia. I would suggest having a meeting between all three adults if that is possible to agree a way forward.

I also suggest calling Young Minds whonhave a brilliant website and helpline.

Whether she seems happy or not, it’s not normal to sneak down in the middle of the night, binge eat and then lie about it.

Whatever she is going through it’s not a reflection of you or your family. It just shows she isn’t coping with things.

I really do hope you try and get some emotional support for her.