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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wwyd? Partner going on holiday with romantic interest

26 replies

bleedingheart123 · 11/09/2018 10:04

Hi,
Not sure what to do really as I don’t even know if AIBU.
I’ve been with my partner for almost a year now. We have a great tome together but for a long time he was quite distant and closed off, whereas I am incredibly open about my feelings and it caused arguments. I found out a while ago he had a flirtation just before we got together with one of his best friends. They have booked a holiday in January as part of a wider group (five people in total).
I know he had feelings for her, he’s assured me he doesn’t any more and I trust him but it was right before we got together. I wouldn’t ever want to stop him going but I know I’m going to worry about it a lot - I’m quite an anxious person. Should I just speak to him about it? I don’t want to endlessly need reassurance from him, but I sometimes feel like he likes her more than me (they were very close and are quite huggy). But also they’ve been friends for years and I wouldn’t want to get in the way of that or cause animosity by bringing it up - I know if I’m going to be a part of his life, so is she. But as I said I’m already worrying. WWYD?

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 11/09/2018 10:07

Is this really the right relationship for you? You sound very different people. Have you talked about long term plans? Do you see a future with him?
What's the accommodation going to be for this holiday?
Is this friend friendly and nice to you?

Aprilsinparis · 11/09/2018 10:12

YANBU. Why is he booking a holiday without you, and going with her?

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 11/09/2018 10:14

He's distant and closed off with you, and close and huggy with her? They are going on holiday together and you're not invited?

Is this for real?

Original poster
bleedingheart123 · 11/09/2018 10:15

Hi, yes we’ve met loads of times and she’s been very nice. We are similar people who come at relationships differently I think. I trust him completely but I’m more worried he’s going to rekindle some burning feeling lols

OP posts:
Original poster
bleedingheart123 · 11/09/2018 10:19

to clarify sorry I would never expect to be invited, we go away together too, no other plus ones are invited in the big group and I get invited to near on everything else they do

OP posts:
DancingDot · 11/09/2018 10:35

Nope...

I believe firmly that men and women can be friends - but he has already told you that his feelings towards this woman have extended beyond friendship. Feelings like that don't disappear and he is being unreasonable to have told you about these feelings and then expecting you to be happy about this holiday.

This is just the start - if you have a long term relationship with this man you will ALWAYS wonder. Speak to him.

Mushroomsarehorrible · 11/09/2018 10:40

Very disrespectful of him going on holiday with someone he has had feelings for. I would not be happy about this and in light of him being 'distant, etc' I would be walking away.

KC225 · 11/09/2018 10:41

I agree that men and women can be friends but I have never had 'feelings' for a make freind, nor them me. I think the fact he is buggy and close and yet he has been osed and distant with you makes me wonder if he is keeping you on the back burner in case she changes her mind.

What is her situation? Is she single? How old is she?

Iana1992 · 11/09/2018 10:41

Is he worth the worry and stress? Hmm

Original poster
bleedingheart123 · 11/09/2018 10:43

We had a talk about it, he says it was just a drunken thing but I think it may have been more. He was very eager to start a relationship with me. I have no problem with him going, I just feel worried? Don’t know what my Aibu is lol

OP posts:
PellyBay · 11/09/2018 10:48

for a long time he was quite distant and closed off

I think this would bother me more than the holiday. You've been together for less than a year and for a significant part of it he's been distant and closed off? Sorry, not good. The first year should not be like that, in my opinion.

ForalltheSaints · 11/09/2018 10:48

I am a man.

Men and women can be friends, but this can often be misinterpreted- someone at work gets comments from time to time about a friendship, for example. When I was younger a female friend was often mistaken as my girlfriend by others.

As to whether or not you should be worried, perhaps it depends on the holiday- for example if they were on a beach holiday it would be very different from say an art history tour.

Bluetrews25 · 11/09/2018 11:09

You said that you have a lot of anxiety generally. Perhaps you need to work on this, as there is no indication from what I have read that there is trouble brewing. (But I am v tired!)
Asking for reassurance won't work, as you will never believe it totally or for long enough. Accept it is your anxiety and try to work on it.
What will be will be.
You risk ruining a good thing by relentless questioning before and after.

BlooperReel · 11/09/2018 11:12

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. He can choose to go on holiday with someone he has previously admitted having feelings for, you can choose to tell him piss right off.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/09/2018 11:16

Feelings like that don't disappear and he is being unreasonable to have told you about these feelings and then expecting you to be happy about this holiday.
So you still live or fancy every person you've ever fancied or loved?? Of course feeling change. I had a male friend I used to fancy, we were friends but I def wanted more. I met and fell in love with someone else. My feelings for the other guy changed because of how I felt about NOW DH. Me and other guy are still close, we do full day trips to see each other, my DH isn't invited, he is single. It's fine because feelings change.

OP I think if he shows and tells you he lives your, if he's not flirting with her and she's nice to you, then you just need to work on your confidence.
Be happy for him t ogo but make plans of your own to keep you busy

SleepingStandingUp · 11/09/2018 11:17

for example if they were on a beach holiday it would be very different from say an art history tour
Because his love for his partner will be undone by a bikini and he'll ravage other woman in the churning ocean but in a staid and dusty art gallery she'll just be a good friend he used to have a crush on????

ReanimatedSGB · 11/09/2018 11:33

It's perfectly possible that he might have dated her, in the past, but he's now happy with you and therefore sees her only as another member of the group. However, nagging and whining about her will wreck your relationship even if it isn't her he dumps you over: it's very draining to have a partner who is clingy and needy and suspicious all the time.

If he generally treats you well and makes you happy, try to get over the anxieties (if your anxiety affects other things as well as this relationship, maybe look into professional help). If it's not that great a relationship anyway, why wear yourself out trying to 'keep' him?

SnakesandKnives · 11/09/2018 11:35

“Because his love for his partner will be undone by a bikini and he'll ravage other woman in the churning ocean but in a staid and dusty art gallery she'll just be a good friend he used to have a crush on????”

Made me laugh! So true.

There is a far more basic point here than the holiday. If you believe he doesn’t actually want to be in a relationship with you but would rather be with this woman then you don’t really have a relationship. If you think that if he spends time with her something will happen then you also don’t really have a relationship. If you do stop him (for want of a better phrase) from going then in no way does that solve those issues. I could not be with a man I could only trust when in my sight - life is way too short.

user764329056 · 11/09/2018 11:36

What a stupid comment ForAllTheSaints about a beach vs art holiday, bloody hell

FranticallyPeaceful · 11/09/2018 11:39

I think it’s weird that he can’t invite you. Are you sure he’s not just saying this because he doesn’t want you to be there whilst she is?

Original poster
bleedingheart123 · 11/09/2018 11:40

Thank you for all your responses - it’s confirmed what I knew. I need to relax a bit (I work night shifts and often end up stressing at 3am!!) but I need to consider these points

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 11/09/2018 11:42

I think it’s weird that he can’t invite you

None of the others are taking partners, why would he take his??

We did a friends only holiday for our 30th, no way we're partners coming. Same will apply to our 40th. We rarely invite partners because they change the dynamics. Not in a less have sex way but in a people with less shared history, fewer in jokes etc

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 11/09/2018 11:43

Taking your partner on holiday isn’t really a “plus one” situation. I do think it’s a bit odd all together and I’d not be keen on any of this, but I can see other people would be much more relaxed.

If you trust him then you trust him I guess.

Doingreat · 11/09/2018 11:50

I think you are more invested in this relationship than he is. You said he was very eager to start a relationship with you. How does that explain the distant and closed off behaviour from him? Could he have started the relationship with you to make her jealous if she had rejected him? Have you considered this?

Original poster
bleedingheart123 · 11/09/2018 12:07

I don’t think it would be to make anyone jealous. We aren’t a showy showy couple. (Sorry for the drip feed. I didn’t realise which bits would be needed)

OP posts:
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