to find phone calls from friend intrusive

[JeansandJumpers]

I'm a bit on an introvert. I'm newish in town and at the beginning of the year stuck up convo with a woman (10 years older) in my walking group who happened to live round the corner from me. She suggest I come round to hers for a 'a drink', which I did. I'm glad of the friendship but since then I have really struggled to keep her at arms length. She suggests getting together every weekend - I constantly put this off, saying, what about weekend after next, etc.. She calls anytime on the weekend, which I no longer answer. I have never phoned her, I prefer to text people to make plans. I have had her call me twice this past Saturday and again tonight. I messaged in reply to the 'missed call' on Saturday saying I was really busy with work and just trying to chill and would catch up soon. Shouldn't she take the hint and stop persisting? I obviously can't offer this woman the level of 'friendship' or company that she wants. I would love to continue catching up maybe once every few weeks, but she is not taking the hint. I've suggested meeting out, or doing something together, but she is not interested, she really wants someone to drink lots and lots of wine with. Is she being really pushy, or is it just that I am a total introvert and can't handle other people's expectations of friendship?

This kind of person will not pick up on “hints”.

You will need to be kind but direct.

“I really enjoy your company and I’m keen to meet up every couple of weeks for a meal or an outing but more that that is too much for me, I’m just not that social. I’m not ever going to be a good ‘wine o’clock’ buddy!”

It would be kinder to let her know where she stands.

Thanks nonagrey. I have tried this tbh, but I'll say it again, more clearly. I find it all so draining!

I’m that person. Hints go right over my head and I never seem to catch on. I would rather a person be blunt and just say it. Say what you mean and mean what you say is my motto.

Hi OP - fellow introvert here. I find people don't understand that you are an introvert that's your nature that's how you're made. They want to fix you with their company. I would be very explicit with the woman or you will feel under attack try "Mary, I'm an introvert and I need a lot of time alone otherwise I get very unhappy. I do like you but I can only meet up occasionally and I don't like chatting on the phone. I understand if that doesn't work for you".

Thank you marylou and password failure. Karyatide...I haven't lied, I do get together with her once every few weeks, but the next day the phone calls and long messages start again. I HAVE said, I'm an introvert, I HAVE said, I don't like the phone, I won't answer phone calls in the evening...she just doesn't listen. Maybe she doesn't believe me! Sigh, I miss my fellow introvert friends, who I don't need to explain it to..

I don’t think you sound like an “introvert” at all. More like someone who thinks she drinks too much and is incompatible with you if you would rather go out. I don’t see why her being “10 years older” has any relevance either. YABU, I’m sure if you don’t engage she’ll get the message. You don’t sound like you’d be suited as friends anyway. Be kind.

actually i think I'm at the stage where I'm a bit angry and thinking that if I say what I mean it will upset her and end our friendship. That would be : "Hi Joan, I see another call and I've had another message from you last night. As I said before, I really like to shut off in the evenings, so I'm sorry, I don't answer the phone. I'm sorry you aren't interested in the walks and activities I suggested, but I'm not up for the boozy nights in.." That's pretty much what it has come to really...not sure what else to say/do. WOuld be nice to end on a more positive note but by now she has pestered me to exhaustion.

This would do me in as well. I hope you manage to get through to her.

Your "angry" message is perfectly polite and reasonable!

Thanks Shednik - as you can tell I don't find interpersonal relationships easy to navigate, but if you think that sounds reasonable, then I'll mull it over and send in next few days. Botanicbaby - the reason I mentioned her age is that I think there is a cut off point at which people text or whatsapp (I..e with my friends - whatsapp...hey are you free for a chat, or, Hi do you fancy a catch up on Fri night) and perhaps older people phone more. And as for the going 'out' - I mean meeting for coffee, going to a play/concert, walk...

OP - do you like her? Are you in a couple and she's single?

I find indoors socialising really hard, it's so difficult to manage an exit. Do you dislike drinking for the most part?

passwordfailure - she is a nice lady, but not someone I want to be sitting in with every Friday or Saturday night. We are both single. I would like to meet someone, she would not. I don't want to get into this routine of being her go to person for weekend drinks, and weekday, wine induced, phone calls. I'm lonely myself but would rather find something constructive to do than sit around engaging in pointless drinking. I am well able for a good 'sesh' but would rather have a healthier lifestyle, which I have made clear. All very awkward. Anyhow, the good news is, I listened to her message(s) this morning...she is away on a work trip now, and day she comes back I go on holiday, so a bit of breathing space. I've mentioned again that I'm sorry I didn't answer her calls, but, as said before, don't really do the phone as I really like to 'switch off' after work and on the weekends, particularly when it has been quite stressful. TBH my longterm friends (who live elsewhere) never needed this spelling out, as they are the same...so I thought everyone was like that...

I think that even those who arent introverts would highly likely find this very annoying, so, yanbu op.