...to just not like my mum

[User385569988]

She is just not likeable. I love her, but at the moment I actually really hate her. All I ever do, and have ever done, is try and be nice and reassuring and to please her. But even then, I'm wrong. It's never enough. In her eyes I'm a terrible daughter. She has never ever been there for me (she knows nothing about my life. Nothing. I could never tell her I was bulimic for 10 years in my teens and twenties, or any other major thing that's happened to me. I think she thinks I am some kind of superwoman, never feels sad etc.. just exist for her) I can't stand her.

I'm sorry, I know this is rambly but we've just had a phone call which has left me in tears and I'm so sick of it.

Crazy thing is, I've literally just ordered her some flowers and a card to be delivered for a special occasion happening this Friday (seeing her Saturday to help with this occasion and be there for her etc..) I can't stop trying to please her and do nice things for her (even though she will not see these things through her weird and warped lens)

Mad mad world.

Hi OP, didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry about your mum - mine is very similar. Can you cool contact to a point where you feel more comfortable? You shouldn't feel you have to put up with being made to cry by her just because she's your mum.

for you. I'll try to reply properly in the morning. Be kind to yourself

Thanks Christmas

Pop over to the stately home thread on the relationship section and you'll get advice from lots of other people who have been through the same. You're not the only one who has get like that about your mother

One of the things I've learned in life is, because you are blood related, you really don't have to love, or even like that person. You will save yourself an awful lot of worry and sleepless nights, if you only see your mother as and when necessary.

I had this problem with my father for many years. I send my sympathy I’m sadly no contact now (and some other relations too) which is a constant shadow over my life but is I think easier to live with than his regular and unpredictable emotional outbursts (from ridiculously positive, negative, imagined, unreasonable, impractical, selfish, judgemental, unfai, thoughtless- essentially not conducive to any sort of adult or parent to adult child relationship). His influence was so strong and wide he and other family were not able to register the distress be caused me or accept that the negative impact on me was unreasonable. x

Me me me sorry!
Hope you are ok x

I went no contact with my ghastly mother and never regretted it - I wish I’d done it years earlier.
Thing is, OP, not all mothers are loving, caring, motherly people. Some of them are shits, narcissists, psychopaths, bullies, passive aggressive, have drink or drug problems, take out their own inadequacies on their children, and are incapable of admitting that they’re the problem.
You’re doing all this nice people pleasing stuff for a woman who is a cow. She will never be the nice loving mum that you desperately want, however many bunches of flowers you buy her or however much you crush your own needs and self expression for her benefit.
Cut your losses and get out now, OP. Go no contact. This woman contributes nothing to your happiness and well being, she is just dragging you down. Believe me, I’ve been there. I was 35 before I saw the light and ditched her.

I have no advice, just

I don’t like my mother either. And I don’t think she likes me much either. The relationship we have exists purely for my children and lovely dad and grandparents. We are currently pretty much nc, but thats a regular occurrence.

Sorry...long one this ..since I had my first child 15 years ago things changed drastically with my mum. From being pregnant it was as if she was jealous. She'd never respond to texts or be concerned when I had what could've been dangerous consequences during pregnancy.
she never liked my first boyfriend , then the father of my children. ( absolutely no reason not to either) Every illness I have she's got it worse.. I have fibromyalgia and now apparently she thinks she has always had it too. I can't balance well and now she's dizzy. Ends up an awful bickering session when she visits which has become so infrequent then she moans she never sees her grandchildren. she's so busy she can't fit us in, no offer of childcare so I couldn't afford to return to work yet sulks when the only day SHE has free to come I'm busy with my stuff. ( can't just cancel school clubs dance and swim classes on the off chance she decides to text to arrange a visit) She says life is passing her by, she's on a pension..shes skint...yet at age 67, I feel she should be grateful shes had a long marriage, with five children, (another thing she says she regrets having us)she holidays several times a year minimum, has a busy social life, eats out,day trips hobbies etc in comparison to my life which revolves around my family and the day to day running of the house etc. She rolls her eyes when we discuss that my family have not been able to have a family holiday yet,ever. Silly advice of ' putting a bit away' to save. As if I havnt thought of that...chance would be a fine thing. She pulls her face asking why I'm so negative all the time (depression) and doesn't understand my diagnosis. Seems things have changed since I was a child as usually on a state pension you'd be struggling and a working family would be able to holiday and do these things yet in our case it's the opposite. now I'm a parent I'm looking how her advice and controlling behaviour contributed to my anorexia and later bulimia as constantly we were weighed and watched her bleat on about fat fat fat. She's weighed my daughter and upset her by shaming how much she weighed. I was livid. Tbh it sounds harsh but I really don't want to see her anymore and I'm glad I'm busy every day so I have an excuse to stop her coming. Anyway. Rant over but there's loads where that came from. Just wanted to get things out and see if anyone has experienced similar.

Thanks all! Sorry to those with similar mums. Thanks for your words.

Didnt want to read and run. I'm so sorry for your situation with your mum. My mum and I have had a very troubled relationship and are just starting to mend bridges now after decades.

It really helped me to talk, first on MN and then I went and saw a counsellor. Its just a few sessions and it really helped me, it might help you as well.

I have a troubled relationship with my mother too. I hardly see her and phone her occasionally but the phone calls are awkward and there are lots of snide remarks and sarcastic comments from her and questions I just don't want to answer. I envy those with close relationships with their mothers but nothing is going to change for me now.

Lostmyway. Lots of similarities between your mother and mine.

I’m so sorry for anyone who has troubled mother/daughter relations. I hoped for a close relationship with my family, especially as my children grow up, but it’s not possible with how my mother is, she is often a massive wedge between us all.