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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to have sought out the packed lunch boxes and washed them

21 replies

naysayer · 10/09/2018 20:52

... and perhaps spent five mins making a single sandwich lunch for tomorrow, while I am on a three-hour round trip taking DD to dance class, after my work? I got back at 8pm, 12 hours after I left for work, and have had to do an hour's prep for tomorrow, and not even for myself.

He is generally very good, does most of cooking (though tonight I had a Pot Noodle on return). But there are certain nightly tasks that I am getting annoyed he doesn't realise need done until he sees me already halfway through them. He's seen me do them enough times that by now I wonder why he doesn't take the initiative. Do men really not think outside the moment right now? ie about tomorrow?

OP posts:

MissConductUS · 10/09/2018 20:58

Men need very, very specific instructions on things like this. Clarity is key. Do not expect intuitive leaps, they are not wired that way.

whyareyoucrying · 10/09/2018 21:01

That reply has really annoyed me. This is exactly why women have to pick up the shitty end of the stick.

Men are perfectly capable of knowing what needs to be done. Most just rely on partners to do it as that is the status quo.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 10/09/2018 21:04

MissConductUS codswallop. It’s crap like this that keep so many men being useless. It’s nothing to do with wiring and everything to do with socialisation. They can learn to stuff in the home exactly the same way women can, and they shouldn’t be allowed to get away with being useless because of outdated sexist views.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 10/09/2018 21:06

OP - if you always do it I can see why he wouldn’t think of it, though I totally agree with where you’re coming from. Can you sit down and decide together a fair way of splitting these tasks so it’s not all on you?

Seeingadistance · 10/09/2018 21:07

Men need very, very specific instructions on things like this. Clarity is key. Do not expect intuitive leaps, they are not wired that way.

And this is why men are never given positions of authority or responsibility. It's why they are always to be found in the lowest paid jobs, have no political clout and have little to no voice in the public sphere - finance, politics, the media.

Oh, no! Wait .... I think I got that wrong ...

howabout · 10/09/2018 21:36

Too little info on timings and division of labour and age of DD - mine has been making her own sandwich since age 8 but never looks out her lunch box for the washing up without prompting. Box gets washed up with the dinner dishes and lunch is made in the morning so this wouldn't be a specific evening task in our house.

More dedication than I ever had for parenting to do a 3 hour round trip for dance classes.

irregularegular · 11/09/2018 22:28

I don't know really. If the packed lunch is "your job" then I wouldn't particularly expect anyone else to do it unless asked, or if you were getting home at bedtime (after 10pm).

But DH and I tend to work best by having our own jobs and they are pretty fairly shared out.

Of course, if all jobs have become your jobs just by default then that is a different issue and one you should discuss. But it probably needs discussing explicitly, not just wishful thinking. Not because I think men are "wired differently" but because everyone gets into habits. There are plenty of things I never do, and vice versa.

VimFuego101 · 11/09/2018 22:40

What a load of shit about 'specific instructions'. I'm sure he manages just fine at work without some constantly telling him he needs to do his job.

Original poster

naysayer · 09/10/2018 01:13

Thanks for replies. It's no accident it's been a month since I posted. Certain times, the jobs I do seem to bother me more than others... BUT... I agree with MissConduct, he does seem to need to experience an angry demonstration see me while I do it before he realises it's an issue.

Whyareyoucrying, you are right too, he does leave me to do many things, but on the day in question I was back into work full throttle after having my gall bladder out and had less time than I had to pick up the slack at home after DD going back to school. That's not an indictment on him not doing his bit, it's on me for doing things that I would like done a certain way. He's slap-dash, and sloppy, and it bothers me.

Howabout, you are right too, three hours is ridiculous but that's what we get for living in the sticks an hour out of Edinburgh. Thanks for the vote though. DD's 10 and has had the luxury of us both being at home doting on her full time til recently, thanks to the credit crunch...

Irregularegular, absolutely, it is sexist shit to expect male and female jobs and I have made my own noose there. He is the least sexist man, hates all the usual knob-measuring things like sport, corporate twattery and sexism. He's just a bit lazy and clueless, which I think is gender exclusive.

OP posts:

Purpleartichoke · 09/10/2018 01:28

Btdt

I specifically say to DH that I need him to do all the after-school processing. Backpacks, lunches, etc. I don’t make a checklist, because it’s so obvious what needs to be done. I still come home late to a pile of filled bags still with the days papers inside. Strangely, that pile is never there when i am the one to do the post school stuff so you would think to an adult it would be obvious that those things need to be emptied and put away, especially if your spouse asked you to be sure to take care of the school things.

AjasLipstick · 09/10/2018 01:45

Men need very, very specific instructions on things like this. Clarity is key. Do not expect intuitive leaps, they are not wired that way.

Utter TOSH! That's a lot of sexist bollocks. My DH certainly knows what needs to be done on a practical level! His Mother taught him how when he was a boy.

Dontfeellikeamillenial · 09/10/2018 01:53

I hear ya.

Now I just tell him what to do.

Otherwise it just doesn't occur to him. Why it doesn't occur I have no frigging idea but there you go.

ThriftyMcThrifty · 09/10/2018 02:48

My DH used to do this, but I now leave early for work twice a week. If he doesn’t sort them when I’m not home, they aren’t done, and he has a stressful morning.

AgentJohnson · 09/10/2018 06:21

DD's 10 and has had the luxury of us both being at home doting on her full time til recently, thanks to the credit crunch...

She can also get into the habit of making a sandwich and sticking it into a plastic box, at what age do you think it reasonable for her to start taking responsibility for her shit?

At 10 I completely lost my rag with DD when I found a lunchbox with decomposing food on a Monday morning, when she had complained on Friday she was starving after school. Making her lunch is now her responsibility, my job is to make sure she has access to food to make said lunch. Gaging while she had to clean a mouldy lunchbox was incentive enough not to be so forgetful —damn lazy— again.

Stop martyring yourself to both your H and child.

headinhands · 09/10/2018 07:03

No it's not acceptable. Think I'd be having a words with him about how it makes you you feel that he feels that the kids are your job along with your other one.

Sirzy · 09/10/2018 07:06

Why did it take you an hour to make a butty?

Before now I have forgotten to get ds lunchbox from his bag until the next morning. It’s not ideal but it happens!

peakydante · 09/10/2018 07:12

Hmmm... I think you run the risk of your DD following in your DPs footsteps if you keep mollycoddling her.

At 10 she really should be making her own lunch - my sister was making her own and her two younger siblings lunches at that age.

snowpo · 09/10/2018 07:21

Hmm. Your post has just reminded me I didn't wash out DS's lunch box last night so DH will have to do it when be makes pack lunch this morning. I'm guessing it won't take him more than a minute and he won't be moaning about it even though I usually do it.

A580Hojas · 09/10/2018 07:53

If your Dh does nearly all the cooking then he is making a massive contribution. Your dd could make her own sandwich but she should definitely be responsible for emptying it and having it ready for the morning. Your pot noodle supper sounds painfully martyrish - you could have had scrambled eggs on toast or pasta & pesto for something resembling a meal. What did your daughter eat? And how did your dh not dealing with the lunchbox (a two minute job) mean you were doing chores for hours after you got home?

Longdistance · 09/10/2018 08:05

My dds are 7 and 9. They make their own packed lunch, and so should your dd at 10.

Original poster

naysayer · 13/10/2018 00:26

Oh OK, er, A580Hojas? Catchy! Since you've asked, I meant laundry and dealing with animals, plus my own lunch things and other stuff for next day. Things that I don't mind doing but which I wished I didn't have to add school lunch to. And it didn't take 'hours'; I think I said 'an hour' in the OP. Pasta and pesto, really? That's a meal in your books? Better than noodles? How different? DD had something to eat before we left for dancing, I wouldn't expect a child to go from school to an after school activity from which she doesn't return til 7.30 without eating. DH doing cooking is not a 'massive' contribution.

OP posts:

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