Tense Relationship with Dad - don't know what to do

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

First of all, I know I'm BU and idiotic about this, but emotions aren't logical so please hear me out! Basically, I'm not keeping in regular touch with DF because talking to him can really upset me - and he's very angry with me.

My DF, now elderly and with increasing health problems, has always struggled with MH issues. I don't know the official diagnosis as he won't discuss it and Mum (deceased) never gave me the full details. She did mention manic depression, but I don't know if that's the full picture.

Growing up, Mum shielded me from a lot (and he was able to hold down a job) so I had no idea he made a suicide attempt when I was a young child - until things got out of hand when I was 13 and he was sectioned after another attempt. If a neighbour hadn't happened to stop by, I would have been the person who found him.

Anyway, when Mum died in my 20s, I suddenly became his emotional crutch and it was a huge shock, because his behaviour when upset (crying, ranting about things) wasn't at all what I expected. Mum had done an excellent job of supporting him all those years, so I didn't realise what he was really like.

I'd already moved to a different country, which was a big bone of contention...my Mum encouraged me in this move and I know think she was trying to protect me (not knowing she'd die early ). Luckily, he improved after a while and remarried my lovely SM.
She has no idea about his past and I know that his mood swings upset her, although he can also be lovely.

When I visit him, he can veer from being really nice to horrible and hyper-critical. This summer, even my DS (10) noticed that Grandpa can be nasty sometimes and didn't know what to think. Predictably, I've married a man who's the complete opposite, v. calm and stable. because that's the sort of Dad I want for my children.

I'm "supposed" to ring my Dad every week (he expects it), but we had a stressful August (mainly DH's work) and I couldn't face talking to him. I have no idea what I'll get when I ring - nice Dad, grumpy Dad, miserable, "life is awful" Dad. Anyway, he rang recently v. angry and we had a short conversation as I was about to go out.

I know I need to keep in touch as he's my Dad and I do love him, but he doesn't seem to realise that I find it stressful (I have to psych myself up before calling) and that if things are rough here, I can't face him.

I don't know what to do right now. Should I ring and grovel (and get yelled at)? Should I be honest and say that when I'm stressed, I can't face phoning people - perhaps I should e-mail instead (he doesn't do texts)?

The truth is, he's not the sort of Dad I want, but I realise he's not going to change now.

Thanks for listening!

I'm so sorry about your father. How stressful and awful. I think you should call him, but what you need to embrace is that you DO NOT need to accept being his punching bag. If he kicks off, you hang up. Period. Tell him you will not tolerate his nastiness and you'll be happy to talk to him when he can be civil.

MH issues or not, and regardless that he's your dad, you shouldn't allow yourself to be abused.

I agree with Aquamarine; you can make it clear that you are willing to maintain contact, but not to be a target when he feels like lashing out.
If you feel too stressed to phone him, give yourself a break, and explain nicely, when you feel up to making contact, what the reason was. If he's allowed off days, you can have them as well - like father, like daughter! Composing an email would give you the chance to consider what you want to say, and get the wording exactly right, rather than reacting in a spoken conversation. You can make it clear that you love him and want to keep in touch.
If you don't want to mention to him that your DD is starting to notice his mood swings, you might consider confiding in SM, in the hope that she can broach the subject when he receptive to being told.

I can 100% relate to this as I have a parent who is the same. I can’t go no or low contact either because the focus just shifts to another relative and I don’t want to be responsible for them being taking the full hit. I know what you mean about psyching yourself up. For the whole of phone call day I am miserable and on edge (which makes me short tempered and sometimes I lash out a bit then get into a cycle of thinking I’m just like my parent).

The only advice I have is to make the call at a time when you have an out. I do mine before dinner and DH conveniently calls me for dinner when he can see/hear it all becoming too much.

I know I need to keep in touch as he's my Dad and I do love him

I don't get this!.

Respect goes both ways, whether there are MH issues or not. he has no right to treat you with anything other then love and respect. If he doesn't I would go NC.

I've been NC with my F for 30+ years.

He's not being very fair to you is he? Surely his MH issues cannot account for all of this poor behaviour targeted at you can it?

I bet when you do ring him he has a pop at you that you never ring him ...

You don't have to ring him though. It's not a one-way street or inherent duty. Why is the onus on you? I stopped calling a close family member who was a nightmare everytime I called. My life was a lot calmer after. Especially, once we have kids ourselves, we need to protect our own emotional reserves for our kids and own immediate family.

@noego

I know what you're saying, but love isn't logical, is it? Despite his behaviour, I still have many happy memories of him, he isn't an inherently "bad" person.

I couldn't live with myself if I went NC - I know I have to live with the situation.

BTW, thanks SO much to everyone who's responded. I've only told my DH the whole story IRL (and he doesn't really know what to do!) but I needed to share it and get some advice.

If he’s nasty, put down the phone and tell him why before you do so. Clearly he can control his nastiness when he so chooses.

Absolutely, if he isn't kind when you call, say oh, i can tell this isn't a good time to call you, and hang up.

He will get the hang of it. It really isn't fair for him to use you as a punchbag, you can show your DC a other way of being, when you expect to be treated decently.

(Sorry, posted too soon)

When you call back, do not refer to his nastiness, just deal with the immediate behaviour. If he is kind, he gets to talk, if not...he doesn't get to talk. No need for any explanations, more like puppy training.

I’d email him.

Oh lovey, you can love him but not like him very much, that's a perfectly normal feeling. There's no obligation on you here, no law that says you're duty bound to put up with his behaviour(s) for the rest of his life.

What's not normal is you essentially taking on so much emotional baggage for a parent, regardless of the rights or wrongs of it. You can only do so much and accept that none of what you're feeling or experiencing is unreasonable, that there are limitations to what you can realistically do for him, and that some people don't want to get better (quite apart from the people who cannot help themselves, and the murky area in between).

You do need to be more assertive, both with your father and with yourself. If you allow him to dictate the terms of contact with you then nothing will change, HE will not change. What you can change is the dynamic between you both by setting out very clear and precise boundaries.

I could cry for you, I relate to this so much. My mum dealt with my dad and helped him act normal, but he never was.
He gave me ocd, literally told me if I didn't check all the locks etc to imagine everyone getting murdered, and asked me how I would live with the guilt.
He told me on prom night as I left that he wanted to kill himself that night, my prom was ruined.
He picks on my appearance in a sneaky way, hard to call him out on it. I stopped contact for 6 months as a teenager and he brings it up constantly.
He falls out with everyone, but is flabbergasted and says he is bullied all the time, he's a really friendly guy apparently.
He also seems to think he is superior and thinks he sees the world the right way, and we are all like inferior ants that don't know what's going on. It's bizarre.
To most people he just seems like a normal but rude ish man, but he is very up and down with me. Goes mental if he doesn't see the kids for a while.
I dont know why I wrote all this but just know you're not alone, I cry before he comes, usually it's fine but he's v unpredictable.

Meant to say as well, my dad hasn't been diagnosed but my mum said she thinks he's manic depressive, he went to the gp who referred him and then he never went.

@ohshitonit

I'm so sorry for what you and your Mum have gone through, it's so hard dealing with an unpredictable person. It sounds as if you have been very strong, though, and have got on with your own life.