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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not expect my DB to shout my age out in a pub

45 replies

heartnothead · 10/09/2018 13:02

or not so DB.

organised a drinks do and my DB came. He was chatting to a group of my friends/colleagues (he didn't know some of them) and suddenly i heard him shout out my age. I remonstrated with him there and then but he pulled the old heartnothead is so sensitive/its only banter card. Said in a goady way!

Alright my friends know of course but I am bit guarded at work (work with alot of much younger people) not going to lie about it but not going to offer it up anyway. In my usual circle of colleagues and friends its not something we discuss much anyway.

He has got a history of being goady and we are very different people. Don't think I will bother inviting him to anything again

OP posts:

Rebecca36 · 10/09/2018 13:36

Nothing wrong with people knowing your age. Late fifties is a wonderful age to be, celebrate it!

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 10/09/2018 13:37

I would be annoyed too - I think most women would, and a lot of men too.

However, the truth is...people already know roughly what age you are. Everybody gets told they look 10 years younger after they hit 40 - it is a polite fiction, and may reflect the fact that you look great for your age, but actually people can tell pretty accurately. Your brother is still an arse though.

CountFosco · 10/09/2018 13:41

I think the OP is getting a hard time, we all know ageism exists in the workplace. I was told I was too old for a senior job at work because I was in my 40s (the manager who told me that was 30)! I wouldn't advertise my age to work colleagues but it's to protect myself, in my private life I don't care who knows.

Original poster

heartnothead · 10/09/2018 13:42

intheboredroom - I agree - I know I am lucky (having lost someone quite close and younger unexpectedly within the past two years I am well aware).

Yes most people do know and for most of them I don't care whether they know or not.

You're right I won't ask him again. And maybe I should get over myself but we all have our weak spots.

OP posts:

MorningsEleven · 10/09/2018 13:42

I don't get it. I don't get your beef.

I'm thinking of adding a few years on so people think I look amazing for my age.

blueskiesandforests · 10/09/2018 13:48

Is everyone deliberately missing the point that the "D"B was shouting out something about her which he knew his sister didn't like sharing?

It is sad to be embarrassed about your age, but that doesn't mean it's her brother's place to yell her age across a pub when he knows how she feels.

Would it be ok to shout her dress size or weight or that her hair colour is out of a bottke, or anything else which people can tbh probably tell by looking and we should "own" but he knew she was illogically sensitive about?

LeftRightCentre · 10/09/2018 13:48

ANYONE who uses the 'it's banter and you're just oversensitive' as an excuse to bully you, because he knows it bothers you, is a twat and in the future, don't invite him along. Can't abide cunts like this.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 10/09/2018 13:51

Why was he shouting it out in the first place? He sounds about 12 himself . How did everyone react?

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 10/09/2018 13:51

Look a lot younger or so I am told!

You and every single person on MN, apparently. I'm amazed any MNers ever get served in a pub, quite frankly, as they all have the peachy vizzogs of teenagers

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 10/09/2018 13:55

Is everyone deliberately missing the point that the "D"B was shouting out something about her which he knew his sister didn't like sharing?

This is the real issue, him deliberately trying to embarrass his sister in front of work colleagues. It's like shouting out someone's weight in public when you know they're sensitive about it, or mentioning an embarrassing incident to get a cheap laugh.

He was a twat - don't invite him to the pub with your colleagues again!

YetAnotherSpartacus · 10/09/2018 14:00

Sometimes it's best if work people don't know your age - especially if you are female (quite a few middle-aged women get put in the scrap heap and passed over for opportunities). I'd be upset too.

BlankTimes · 10/09/2018 14:10

He's only doing it because he knows it will wind you up.

Don't think I will bother inviting him to anything again

Probably the best strategy

MissMisery · 10/09/2018 16:09

Did you think you’d look younger if they didn’t know?
Never understood this

BarbaraofSevillle · 10/09/2018 16:15

Exactly Misery. Surely from looking at you, combined with how long you'd worked there, what sort of stuff you were interested in/talked about, things like ages of DCs etc give away your age within a few years anyway.

If someone is ageist enough to think of people in their 30s/40s/50s as 'past it' they won't care if you're 44, 48, 52 or 57 for example.

BunnyColvin · 10/09/2018 16:28

And maybe I should get over myself but we all have our weak spots.

No you shouldn't. You have a right not to want personal info advertised about you, age or anything else. People annoy me about age, they really do. I mean if people want to shout their age out to everyone and sundry, have at it, that doesn't mean everyone else does!

Society is incredibly ageist and people judge others on the basis of age all the time. I don't blame anyone not wanting to be upfront about their age. It's no-one else's business, especially at work.

BunnyColvin · 10/09/2018 16:30

.. and the reality is, some people do look younger than their age, others do look their age, others do look older than their age etc. So no, people can't necessarily guess what age someone is by looking at them!

Original poster

heartnothead · 10/09/2018 16:50

Thanks Bunny - I had my dcs quite late so I could be ten years younger😁

Anyway interesting to hear peoples views on the subject.

OP posts:

blueskiesandforests · 10/09/2018 16:57

I don't think its so much about people looking younger and "getting away with it" , more that peers don't really think much about one another's ages unless its brought to their attention.

I study part time with a group who are mostly but not entirely a lot younger than me (a wide range but most in their 20s to early 30s). When I said I was 43 during a group discussion during which a fellow student was being maudlin about turning 30, she claimed to believe I was her age, and others in the group said they thought early 30s.

The same week at work a colleague in her 50s started talking about the menopause with me on a break and asked me whether I had the same symptoms - she was assuming that I was her age.

I look my age but in the same week people assumed that I was ten years younger and ten years older than my age.

I've done the same with peers, for example parents of kids' friends or colleagues, just assumed they were around my age unless its slap in the face obvious that they are not, or they've told me or said something which shows they grew up a decade earlier or later.

If you're on the same level as someone then if it's even faintly plausible they seem to just assume you're roughly the same age unless you draw attention to the fact that you aren't.

Bigmomma88 · 10/09/2018 17:06

I don't blame you OP, I would be well miffed.

CountFosco · 11/09/2018 13:09

I don't think its so much about people looking younger and "getting away with it" , more that peers don't really think much about one another's ages unless its brought to their attention.

I think this is very true.

And as for when you had your kids being an indication! I have school friends who were parents as teenagers and university friends who had children in their mid 40s, so 30 years difference. You can tell nothing about how old someone is by the age of their kids.

As for the 'everyone on MN looks young', well firstly only people who think they look young will post, secondly the MN demographic is fairly affluent and so are less likely to smoke, less likely to be overweight, more likely to eat a good diet and exercise than average. All of which will make them look 'younger' than average. Thirdly, our expectations of what a certain age should look like is generally inaccurate and much older than the reality; I had a discussion with a (very young) hairdresser about a celebrity in her 70s, she was amazed how old she was and said she thought this celebrity was 50 so I told her I was nearly 50 and then she was amazed at that. I don't think I look particularly young but I'm short and don't dye my hair and have young kids and that was enough to look 'younger than 50' to this girl.

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