Long post, sorry. Summary:
SIL is toxic, manipulative, selfish. I'm overdue with 4 days with my first baby. I want my son to have a relationship with my brother and his children, but I don't want SIL to have anything to do with him. Is this feasible? How could I engineer this? Or do I have to grin and bear it?
Long story:
My eldest brother is 50, I'm 28. My eldest brother's children are relatively close in age to me. My brother and his wife have always lived abroad due to his job. When my brother's eldest son turned 11 he went to boarding school near my parents' house. He'd stay at ours on weekends and during the holidays.
My parents did everything for him. Fed him, ferried him around, attended his school concerts, took him on day trips, essentially acted in loco parentis. They loved him dearly, he got on great with all of us. But they always deferred to his parents, asked their opinions, tried never to overstep their boundaries.
My SIL used to call my nephew on the phone every week. These phone calls were essentially just her nagging him, telling him off for poor grades etc, and he just used to sit there looking sad (this was right from when he was in year 7). He'd come off the phone and be very upset. My mum hated seeing this, and made the mistake of one day mentioning to my SIL that my nephew had honestly been trying his best, and that maybe an ounce of praise was worth a pound of criticism. SIL saw this as my mum attacking her parenting (which, to be fair, it kind of was, and I think my Mum regrets it now). It was all downhill from there. SIL sent her other two children to separate boarding schools far away from us, I think so my parents wouldn't be involved in their care.
She's been constantly really unpleasant since then. Some examples:
When I was younger, she'd say things to me like "I'll take you clothes shopping, your Mum's too old to know about fashion", "I'll teach you about makeup so that you can hide those dark circles, your Mum doesn't know much about makeup."
Once, my brother was away and couldn't send my elderly Aunt a birthday card. My mum asked SIL if she could send one on their behalf, SIL said "no, I don't deal with THAT side of the family."
We'd always send her birthday / Christmas cards, presents etc., never once were thanked for anything.
She hasn't attended any family funerals, or my parents' Golden Wedding celebration (huge family get-together). When my sister mentioned to her that the Golden Wedding was a brilliant party, she said "oh, if I'd known it was going to be any good I might have come."
Just lots of little snarky comments and put-downs. My brother is spineless and never stood up to her. He earns an absolute shitload of money but she controls how he spends it. She's never worked (when she's tried, she's quit - never got along with managers / colleagues - it was always someone else's fault, obviously.)
This would all be fine if she didn't still ask my parents for favours. She asked a couple of years ago if my nephew could live with my parents for a year or so while he saved up money. My parents were dealing with my very ill and elderly Gran at the time and looking after my sister who'd just had brain surgery, and they said they were really sorry, he could always stay there for a couple of nights at a time, but they needed the spare room. She said "well, I've already told him you'd say yes, what am I going to tell him now?!"
They're still asked to pick them / the kids up from the airport, ferry them around, my Dad's still asked to help fix their car, etc. etc... I've told my parents to tell them where to stick it, but obviously, it's their son, they love him, etc.
The final straw was this Xmas when my mum sent SIL a few presents, including Monty Bojangles truffles. These have quirky packaging. On the pre-printed label it says "To the desperately important... from the truly magnificent...". My mum filled out the label, didn't give it a second thought.
About two weeks after Xmas she got a letter in the post from SIL, accusing her of insulting her: "you called me desperately self-important. All the kids were upset on my behalf, the whole day was ruined, we've never had a good relationship but I've tried my best with you, this is the final straw, I don't want any contact with you again, please don't respond to this letter, " etc.
My Mum didn't respond to the letter. I don't think my brother knows about it; he wasn't there on Xmas day due to his work. My Mum is really upset at the thought of her grandchildren thinking badly of her. Me and my other siblings are appalled and want nothing to do with SIL.
Basically - I want my son to have a relationship with his Uncle and his cousins, but I don't want SIL to have anything to do with him.
Any idea how to do this? Should I tell my brother outright? Should I be honest with SIL and risk her ruining my relationship with her children? They have a house only half an hour or so from where I live, so will want to pop over and meet the baby. I've always been polite to SIL, so she thinks our relationship is fine.
Maybe I should just grin and bear it, but I'm so angry at how my Mum's been treated that I don't think I'd be able to hide my feelings. Any ideas?