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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is more him than me?

30 replies

Autumn29 · 09/09/2018 23:25

So i have told a friend about my relationship and they suggested that maybe i was misunderstanding my partner and causing his behaviour.

I believe he is mildly abusive, he calls me a fat cow, bitch, selfish when annoyed at me, he looks on my phone (laptop-history) finding excuses to get onto it and has thrown it at me twice cos i had been confiding in my mom about arguments with him and his behaviour. If i do something he doesn't like i feel im punished by taking the kids out but refuses to say where if i ask or when he will bring them bk. He has also put his fist into my face like he was going to hit me and growled whilst we was arguing, he said he wasn't going to hit me, but i felt like he lost it and was going to but caught himself. He talks negative about my family but wont hear of his family in any negative way.....
the thing is i know i can be difficult to i like to have furniture in the house i like, and i expect a compromise to find something we both like, rather than sometimes excepting things in the house that he likes and i don't. I ask him to do things and make snide comments when he is being lazy. I am used to doing everything for the kids and i hate when he comes home and start interfering. I haven't felt comfortable in a long time to initiate sex with him and i think this maybe why he only initiates it once a year at the same time.

Do you think i could be causing his behaviour because he is insecure and i am not being considerate of that? and it could be worked on? He wants to work on things and it would be the easier option, but i have been planning on leaving as i don't think i can fall bk in love with him. Anyway sorry for waffling but i just keep going around in circles and cud use any advice.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 09/09/2018 23:29

Couldn't you go to Relate and talk it through? It doesn't sound as though it's salvageable, and you both seem to be miserable in your relationship, but maybe you've just both lost your way?

TooTrueToBeGood · 09/09/2018 23:32

From what you describe, he is not "mildly" abusive, he is abusive. You do not cause his behaviour nor can you fix it. My advice would be to crack on with your plans to leave.

Rebecca36 · 09/09/2018 23:39

It may be him more than you, not 50/50 but perhaps 60/40. You don't sounds as though you're fun to live with and obviously neither of you are happy so - why stay together?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 09/09/2018 23:40

The list of things he does are not mildly abusive. They are extremely abusive. You need to get rid.

So i have told a friend about my relationship and they suggested that maybe i was misunderstanding my partner and causing his behaviour.

This person is not a friend!

the thing is i know i can be difficult to i like to have furniture in the house i like,

That's not difficult. That's normal.

He wants to work on things and it would be the easier option, but i have been planning on leaving as i don't think i can fall bk in love with him

It can be hard to fall out of love with someone even if they mistreat you. If you don't even love him then run for the hills. Why would you want to fall back in love with an abuser? Get you and your kids out now.

C0untDucku1a · 09/09/2018 23:44

Leave him. Tomorrow. Go. And block him.

LemonysSnicket · 09/09/2018 23:47

It's fairly obvious he's abusive. DP will occasionally call me a twat when we're arguing but that is the utter max .....

garethsouthgatesmrs · 09/09/2018 23:50

Youve got a few really odd responses on here. It doesn't sound like it is 60/40 and I dont think relate will help you. Not sure how the posters came to the conclusion that you being a bit grumpy with him and insisting on certain furniture is anywhere near as much of a problem as the abuse you have suffered at his hands?!?

numptynuts · 09/09/2018 23:55

Mildly abusive? Hmm

Pumpkintopf · 09/09/2018 23:58

Op try reading 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. Explains why men behave in abusive ways, that it isn't your fault and - importantly- that you can't fix them. Couples counselling in an abusive relationship is not advisable, counselling for yourself alone would be a good idea if you're really questioning whether you're being unreasonable (you're not!)

Labradoodliedoodoo · 10/09/2018 00:01

He is abusive. Don’t go to relate

Haireverywhere · 10/09/2018 00:05

He is abusive. Get into a position to leave.

Ginkypig · 10/09/2018 00:14

He isn't mildly anything! This is abuse. Just because he hasn't hit you (yet) does not mean that he is not being abusive.

Your friend is either damaged (possibly due to abuse) and due to that does not recognise that this is definitely abuse or this person is not your friend and is as dangerous to you as your partner.

Call woman's aid to get some real life advice and absolutely don't go to relate because he will twist things then use it later as a weapon.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2018 00:20

Why are you blaming yourself for HIS behaviour? Can't you see how ridiculous that is? Take your blinders off.

Original poster
Autumn29 · 10/09/2018 07:43

Thank u, I guess I know deep down if isn't right but her comment threw me. I had showed her the Conv me and dp had when I had told him I wanted to leave and she said he had valid points that I shouldn't confide in my mom about our relationship as it wud make him view her negatively and was the cause of why he is funny about my family. I guess he responded calm and has done so for the last week and it has just threw me. It has made me feel guilty for still wanting to leave. I will give that a read thank u xx

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 10/09/2018 11:10

she said he had valid points that I shouldn't confide in my mom about our relationship as it wud make him view her negatively and was the cause of why he is funny about my family.

If your relationship was good there would be nothing to confide to your family/friends about. Your relationship is not good hence you are reaching out for support to those people you love and trust the most and that is perfectly natural.

He is funny about your family because he instinctively realises they are a threat to his control over you. The last thing he wants is for other people to know that he's abusing you because to the outside world he wants to maintain an image of being a great guy. You confiding in your family about his abusive behaviour threatens their image of him and also gives you support to help cut through the fog of confusion that is holding you back from seeing what he is really doing.

Your friend is wrong and whilst I'm sure her heart is in the right place her advice is very dangerous. You are the victim of an abuser and need support to get away from him. Sadly, too many people don't understand abuse and ignorantly give out advice based on their misguided belief that you can somehow change his behaviour and save the relationship. You cannot change his behaviour and the longer you stay in the relationship the more he will damage you. The book by Lundy Bancroft recommended upthread will be a massive aid to helping you understand your situation better.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 10/09/2018 16:33

He's Not Mildly abuse.. He's potentially dangerous
You're worth more than this

Oddcat · 10/09/2018 16:35

I didn't get much further than 'mildly abusive'

You need to ditch him and your 'friend'

Oddcat · 10/09/2018 16:36

Couldn't you go to Relate and talk it through?

It's not advisable to attend counselling with your abuser.

Oddcat · 10/09/2018 16:41

Singlenotsingle , can you not see that this man is horribly abusive and certainly hasn't 'lost his way'.

fc301 · 10/09/2018 16:51

Normal people do not throw phones/laptops at those they love (twice).
Friend is clueless

RebelRogue · 10/09/2018 17:23

There's no mildly abusive. He is abusive and trying to cut you off from your family. Very controlling as well. You don't cause his behaviour..after all after all he's done you haven't thrown things around the room or threatened to punch him.
Make your plans and leave. Ditch the friend too.

LemonysSnicket · 10/09/2018 18:29

I don't think it's matters as clearly you're miserable either way

MrsTommyBanks · 10/09/2018 18:38

The thing with abusive people is they always, Always tone down the abuse when their partner sees the abuse and wants to leave.
That is why he is being calm right now. It is very recognised behaviour. The abuse will return, probably a more intense abuse once he feels secure again and you are "behaving".
Stop confiding in your friend who is wrong BTW.
Look at Women's Aid website
www.womensaid.org.uk
But please make sure you delete it from your history

I hope you find a way forward Flowers

Original poster
Autumn29 · 11/09/2018 07:16

Thank u all so much. I'll give the website a look over. I think I may borrow a phone and give womens aid a call x

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 13/09/2018 01:36

How are things op?

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