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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to get married?

25 replies

JustMe70 · 09/09/2018 21:13

Need advice! My partner and I are in our forties, been together four years and have a mortgage together. I am a divorcee with a child, whom my partner adores.

I would love to marry my partner, is it daft to want his surname, be called his wife and be a ‘Mrs’ again? He knows it’s important to me but just doesn’t understand why. He’s never been married, no kids either.

He’s suggested we get married in 2020, but won’t discuss saving money towards a wedding.

It’s starting to consume me, I used to try and discuss it but it’s the only thing/topic we argue over so I no longer want to talk about it but am left wondering if he’ll ever propose.

I’ll be honest, it’s a dealbreaker for me, it’s important, I’ve compromised on other ‘big’ stuff but I can’t on this. Our parents are elderly, it bothers me hugely they won’t be there on the day, in fact that thought kills me.

Please be honest, AIBU?

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 09/09/2018 21:15

Why do you need to save towards wedding? Perhaps thought of big event is putting him off?

Iamablanket · 09/09/2018 21:22

I want to marry my partner too but he doesn't see the point of it. Neither of us have been married previously but it's something I've always wanted.

However, much as I'd like to, I won't push it because I love him and I know he loves me. I'd rather be with unmarried than not at all. If he ever chooses to propose I'll know it's because it's what he really wants not because I've badgered him into it.

Is it really a deal breaker for you OP?

PoesyCherish · 09/09/2018 21:23

I agree with allthewaves. Do you need to save or could you just book the local registery office? What's his rationale for 2020?

KC225 · 09/09/2018 21:26

What other big stuff have you compromised on?

There is nothing workng with wanting to get married but there is also nothing wrong with NOT wanting to get married either. Trick is to both be on the page.

Do you suspect he doesn't want to marry you? Or is it the thought of a big wedding that is giving him cold feet? If he has agreed - why does it still cause arguments?

Ragwort · 09/09/2018 21:28

Is he put off the idea of a 'big, fancy wedding?'. Be honest, do you want to be married or do you want a wedding day. Getting married needn't cost a lot, just book the registrar office and have a simple ceremony.

Original poster

JustMe70 · 09/09/2018 21:28

@lamablanket, I know I shouldn’t be bothered by what others think but everyone in our world is married, from close friends to colleagues to neighbours and I do feel there is a stigma attached.

Maybe deep down there’s more to this, maybe I need to dig a bit deeper as to why this bothers me so much.

I know from first hand experience that marriage isn’t the be all and end all, but gosh I love him and I’d be so proud to be his wife (and I’ve told him so!)

OP posts:

LunaLovegoodsRadishes · 09/09/2018 21:30

Just offer him a small wedding. Register office, close friends and family only, then a restaurant meal. It doesn't have to cost a fortune.

If he doesn't want to get married and you think it's a deal breaker, then maybe you should go your seperate ways. But my brother has been with his partner for 18 years without getting married and they are very, very happy.

AnoukSpirit · 09/09/2018 21:30

You've told him you want to marry him, it's a deal breaker for you relationship wise if you don't, and now you're sitting around waiting for him to propose?

Is there a reason I'm missing why you can't take control of your own life and have a grown up conversation with the man you'd like to legally tie yourself to?

Although, if the only reasons you have for wanting to marry him are related to names and titles (and having a party with your parents in attendance?) I can see why he doesn't understand your desperation.

Do you want a wedding or a marriage?

DonkeyPlease · 09/09/2018 21:31

If it's really a deal breaker for you, then don't try to get others to validate it, or argue you out of it. You have to own it for yourself. You have to let it break the deal.

Get radically honest with yourself. Ask yourself why, several times over, until you get a bit closer to the core reason for why this is a deal breaker. And then once you're at the core of it, be brutal with yourself, is it really worth breaking the deal for this? If your answer is still yes, then so be it. If not, rethink and perhaps you need to train yourself to stop obsessing about marriage.

Example of "why" investigation:
Why do I want to get married?
I want to be his Mrs
Why?
Because then we are a family.
Why is that what makes a family?
Because then it's public and official and legal
Why is that what makes a family?
Um... Maybe it's that it's harder to just leave
Why would you want it to be hard to split?
...because I'm anxious and don't want to lose him...
Do you want to be with someone who would rather leave, but can't be arsed to divorce?
Um...

Etc. (Sample investigation only - your own answers may vary)

GabriellaMontez · 09/09/2018 21:31

Another one wondering what other big compromises you've already made?

Original poster

JustMe70 · 09/09/2018 21:34

The other compromise is that when we first got together he wanted us to have a baby, I agreed and came off medication to enable us to have a baby. He then changed his mind... my health suffered but it had been a risk I was prepared to take. I was angry, but I have accepted I won’t have any more children now.

I suspect this is more about him being in control and me wondering when I get a say in what happens in our relationship!

I may well have answered my own question

OP posts:

Sarahandduck18 · 09/09/2018 21:36

You sound very insecure in your relationship.

What does your dc think of him/ this marriage plan?

It would disadvantage them if you were to marry.

Original poster

JustMe70 · 09/09/2018 21:41

Thank you all for your responses! Lots to take on board and think about, more importantly to think about it from another viewpoint!

I don’t consider myself insecure, we happily spend time apart including weekends away with respective friends. I don’t need to know where he is 24/7 and don’t need to be in constant touch with him via phone etc.

I definitely don’t want a big wedding, a registry office and a nice meal would be perfect! My DC would love us to get married, it’s something they bring up in conversation from time to time.

It’s not a wedding I want, it’s definitely marriage. I want to spend the rest of my life with this guy, maybe the fact he makes me smile so much should be enough for me to accept a life with marriage

OP posts:

Original poster

JustMe70 · 09/09/2018 21:42

without marriage

OP posts:

LeftRightCentre · 09/09/2018 21:42

If marriage was a dealbreaker why did you get a mortgage with him? Why do you need to save for a wedding? You've already been married, just trot down the registry office.

offtocornwall · 09/09/2018 21:50

Just tell him you will be happy with parents and siblings/handful of friends on a Wednesday afternoon . Total cost £175 at our registry office. No need to save and far more important that your elderly parents are there.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2018 21:51

Marriage is very important to me, as well. It's far more than just a piece of paper. Don't settle and don't apologize for marriage being important to you.

TheFaerieQueene · 09/09/2018 21:55

I don’t think your insecurities are about spending time apart doing different things. It is more deep seated than that. I think you doubt his true feelings about you and his change of heart about a baby is causing you worry.

KC225 · 09/09/2018 21:57

Ummm why did he change his mind about a baby? That would have been a deal breaker for me.

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2018 22:03

If it's a deal breaker why are you still there? Why did you get a mortgage together? It doesn't sound like it's a deal breaker at all. More like throwing a strop.

And why do you need to save up for a register office do and a nice meal. I'm assuming you're not that skint.

Your posts are contradictory. You're saying one thing and doing another.

Don't force this man to marry you against his will, by pretending you'll end it, because it will end the relationship pretty soon after.

Be honest with yourself and him.

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2018 22:05

I think you doubt his true feelings about you and his change of heart about a baby is causing you worry

Is this it? You're insecure in the relationship? 💐

Pebblesandfriends · 09/09/2018 22:13

You know what you want. You just need to verbalise it.

SuckOnTHATRyan · 09/09/2018 22:33

I think you doubt his true feelings about you and his change of heart about a baby is causing you worry

Oh this would make sense maybe^^. The back pedalling with the baby after being so keen previously...

furandchandeliers · 10/09/2018 07:36

Does he own anything else and does he have a successful business?

Only asking because I don't want to marry ever again because I own my house outright, have a successful business and have a large sum of money in the bank, and that would legally become shared if I married and I'm not willing to risk it. I've already been married and I wouldn't do it again but dp thinks we will one day.... but no I wouldn't risk it even though I trust him.

Duckherding · 10/09/2018 07:42

So he is controlling and put your health at risk because he pondered the idea of a baby.

Are you mad?

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