Alternatives to court for sorting out contact for DC with a difficult ex

[PoesyCherish]

DP has been having problems with DSD's Mum ever since they separated 5 and a half years ago. It's now gotten to the point where he can only have DSD every other weekend Friday evening to Sunday evening and 3 weeks of the school holidays that has to be on ex's terms.

I hear so much here go to court bandied about a lot. Surely there must be an alternative to court though when dealing with difficult ex's?

As I said on my previous thread, they've tried mediation and she went back on the agreements within 2 months. She won't allow Sunday overnight and drop off at school on Monday morning as "that's DSD's time with her grandma", she won't allow Christmas ever because "that's DSD's time with her grandma and cousins", she won't allow midweek contact as "DSD gets too tired". Even every other weekend had to be on ex's terms (she would only agree if they cut midweek contact). It's draining but given how mediation went, DP can't see how court would achieve anything expect increased hostility and putting his DD in a shitty place because of her mother's increased hostility more so than normal

No answers for you OP but would say that court is not the panacea it is made out to be on here..
If the RP breaches it it costs the NRP each time to go to court..
DS paid out money he doesn't have to get the order....his ex breaches it every week...since he got the order he sees less of his DC than before.

There doesn't seem to be consequences for her, and she is working hard on alienating the DC from their father.

@Feckitall I'm sorry your son is going through it. This is exactly our view on court is that it'll cost us a lot of money, for no consequences for his ex and he'll probably see less of his DSD.

I thought the court could issue fines to the RP, escalating to community service and possibly jail time if the court order is breached. Going through this myself at the moment with my boyfriend, it would fucking suck if it turned out the courts are toothless. Hopefully someone has a positive story to share?

@Duchessgummybuns there seems to be a couple of success stories and many many unsuccessful stories. The most they'll typically issue are fines and when you're dealing with exs like DP's she wouldn't give a shit about a fine as she thinks we are the unreasonable ones for wanting to see DSD more. It seems to be more of the exception rather than the norm where community service / prison/ removal of the children from the parent breathing is given.

My sons ex doesn't give a shiny shit about fines etc, and as DS says they wont remove DC from their DM when they are settled, decent housing (private rental), not neglected. Although I do think that parental alienation should be considered emotionally abusive behaviour. He also lives in small studio. He is under 35 so cant get HB to rent a flat to have DC stay. Is in a low pay job and has had a history of MH issues. The low pay also means everything needs careful budgeting including costs of court. Before anyone asks he does pay CMS maintenance but often she won't let him see DC unless he gives her extra. She has him over a barrel. She also uses contact with the DC to control him. EG agree he can have DC between say 9-3 on a Sunday. It gets to 10 he is at meeting point A, she messages to say meet at point B, 6 miles away in 30 mins when bus doesn't arrive for 45...she then 20 mins later messages saying DC are seeing their 'Family' so he cant see them at all.

My boyfriend’s ex would potentially be hurt by fines, she’s a single parent on benefits. Don’t want to go down that route unless we have to, hopefully court will be a wake up call.

That said she is an absolute narcissist and pathological liar, she always thinks she’s right. There are other issues too complex to explain but she’s been failing to safeguard the children from a dangerous individual, writes posts on fb wishing my boyfriend dead (that her eldest can see) which we’ve been screengrabbing. It’s a mess and so stressful

Yeah the law sucks right now NRP gets a ciurt order, RP breaks said order NRP has to PAY to take it back to court every single time (RP have no reason NOT to do this if they simply want to be vindictive).

If the court would use its powers of forcing the RP (the order breaker) to pay the associated costs it would greatly reduce the expense of court single pisstakers will be footing the bill instead.

But for some stupid reason it often takes the court 5+ times before they even start the process of minor slap on the wrist (no awarding costs ethier so most NRP are already down 1000s) the RP costs are minimum they dont even need to turn up so not turning up adds to the cost of the NRP (when i was practing this field of law was a favoured tactic because it racks the NRP up rapidly as judges wont hold the court without the RP abd the NRP has to pay each time even if they dont have legal representation.

I want a edit feature so badly for mumsnet. It should of said racking up costs rapidly.

@Duchessgummybuns I really hope court gives you the outcome you are looking for.

@worridmum exactly! We'd be thousands of pounds worse off (money which would be much better spent on nice holidays / days out with DSD and for nothing. My experience is that it takes courts months, if not years of breaches before they actually start issuing punishments to the RP.

Then they wonder why so NRP, lets face it mostly men, end up losing contact with their DC...not necessarily because they are feckless, no hoper fathers but because they are pushed out, alienated by RPs who actually aren't putting their DC first but using them as weapons...it makes me so angry...it should be viewed as child abuse..

@PoesyCherish

You might want to post this over in the Stepparents forum - I've seen some good advice from posters who have represented themselves in court and got orders for a few hundred pounds.

Alternatives to court:

1. Mediation (you've tried it)

2, Solicitor negotiation.

1. Collaborative law (solicitor negotiation gold plated)
2. Face to face between the parents
3. Arbitration.

Anything else is magic wand and unicorn territory I'm afraid.

Saw a solicitor today, we need a barrister so it’s going to cost £2000 at least. Probably need those magic wands and unicorns to force the ex gf to actually appear in court, but I’d happily pay £100k if it meant getting this bullshit sorted.