Anxiety and Play-dates

[RedRaggedRun]

Will try to make this short and concise!

My DS is 5, just starting school.

At Nursery he had plenty of invitations to birthday parties which was great cos he loved them and I could sit quietly in a corner with DH or a nice hot cuppa whilst DS plays.

However It's only been a few days at school and already there have been a number of play dates enquired about with just 2 or 3 children.

This means me having to socialise with the parents.

There's nothing wrong with these people at all, it's me who has anxiety disorders, I really struggle with people in a small group basis.

I really don't want my son to miss out or for my mental health to be detrimental to him in any way, but how do I go about these play dates without having to explain my mental health to complete strangers which I really don't want to do.
Apparently I come off as being a bit rude and aloof, even snobbish because I am reserved which isn't me at all!

For crying out loud, just realised as I clicked post that I've accidentally put this in aibu not mental health, can you move it please MNHQ?

How about accepting and suggesting some kind of activity? That way you can engage more with your DS (eg helping him paint the pottery, or climb the wall, or whatever) rather than needing to sit drinking coffee with the parents.

@RedRaggedRun - they don’t read all the posts, so wont know you want to move it. You need to report your post then ask them to move it.

Are you expected to go? All the play dates at school age were with just the children?
As for mental health concerns have you had any CBT to help you in this area?

Really? I’m surprised by that. Are okaydates without the children even when the children are reception age? That seems v young to go to a strangers house without parents.

I’m the same OP. I struggle in social situations. I force Myself to go to play dates for the sake of the eldest DC.
However youngest DC is only six months and I don’t go to baby groups or anything as yet because I don’t feel there is a need. My mother in law frowns upon this but unless a person has struggled with anxiety and depression it’s very hard to understand.

Are you sure you’d be expected to stay? My son has just gone into year 1 and had lots of play dates in his reception year last year. Either friends would come here or he would go to their houses. No one was ever expected to stay! Just a minute or two of chit chat at the door then told what time to pick up

WerewolfNumber1 my experience is that a playdate is just the children. The parent takes them and says hello to the other parent, stays for a few minutes and then leaves until it is pick-up time. Surely at 5 a child doesn't need his mother to sit there and watch him/ her playing at another child's house ?

Play dates where the host parent pick up the kids from school and then you just have to go and pick them up after a couple of hours have been fairly common with my two, so perhaps you wouldn't be expected to go and sit with them all that time. Pick up doesn't have to be a big thing, just say you have somewhere to be. Shame for your DC to miss out for the sake of 5 mins interaction at pick up.

Wow. My eldest will be 4 when he starts, I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving him with a family I don’t know at that age.

Hi, yes it is expected for me to stay - the words coffee, chat and get to know have been bandied about.
It's been play dates to the park or play centres so far, not house / dinner after school.
I wasn't expecting them this early on tbh!

And I'm not sure I'd be comfortable leaving him with strangers yet.

Event things could be a good idea - pot making or something that I have to supervise but then how much interaction is he getting with his new friends. 😬

Play dates from school don't usually include parents, but usually you try and meet the parents/scope out the house a bit (dogs, etc) to reassure yourself that your child will be safe. After that the usual routine at our school was to let the other parent pick your child up from school and you then collect them from the play date at a certain time. If asked in for a coffee and you don't feel comfortable, have a polite excuse ready. Not everyone is sociable with other parents. You don't have to explain.
Would you feel comfortable maybe going to the park after school for a little while with the other child and parent? Less full on than being in someone else's home and you'll be occupied some of the time with swing pushing etc?

personally I wouldn't leave my 5 year old with a total stranger at their house so I'm assuming most people stay especially so early on in the school year. So I would assume you would need to stay . Would you feel better if you met at soft play or park or it was at your home ? I wasn't sure from your post if you feel uncomftable doing it or if you are actually unable to. I think if you can manage it I would as if you start of refusing then these people will go ahead without you and then it will be harder to break into friendship groups ECT and your child may really want to meet up with their friends at a later date.

Wait for an opportunity that you're comfortable with - there will be parties and play dates after school coming along - you don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with. Perhaps when the parties start, you'll find that there are one or two mums that you warm to (guarantee they won't all be confident and in your face) and start to get more comfortable with the idea of a play date.

I think many of us have been in the position you find yourself in.

It's hard but personally I found it's almost just as awkward not to go as you then feel guilt and embarrassment when you see them at the school gates.

I used to think of several things that could be talked about, questions to ask etc to avoid awkward silences. I also used to tell myself it's only x minutes and then it will be over!

It is hard initially but I have gone on to make really lovely friends this way.

Just say to them you are very shy. You would love to come but you apologise in advance if you seem awkward. Of course, you don't need to feel awkward. I am just suggesting this as a way of breaking the ice.
I cope with my shyness by inviting people over. I then busy with myself with catering for people's needs - meaning there is an excuse not to talk and the other mother chats away. I also see playdates as something beneficial for my children - so put myself into almost a work mode. Ramp up my confidence, put a smile on my face etc...and then slip back into anxious mode when no-one is around.

Just smile a lot and listen. Tell them you're shy/have social anxiety so they don't think you're aloof or unfriendly. Most people are kind and understanding, and happy for you to sit quietly.

Or invent a work from home job that means you're always busy

Ok, I’ve been you in these situations. Smile a lot, nod,do eye contact,
, say you feel a bit uncomfortable as you don’t know anyone and are really shy.
I made it through and got told I was a good listener! Prior to that I’d been branded snobbish because I didn’t always have the confidence to greet people.