To ask you how you deal with your teens lying?

[thesendiaries]

I have posted this elsewhere but I am desperate.

Without going into masses of details my teen has become a compulsive liar over the last 18 months. She lies constantly and will lie about petty stuff, pointless lies but also lies which could have severe consequences.

She likes her school, she has friends (although some of them are people I would prefer she was not hanging around with!) she is definitely not getting bullied. She does have some needs but they are well supported.

She is also pretty unkind to be honest at the moment. She is horrible to me but I have also seen messages to her friends when they fall out and I am ashamed of her.

I have tried everything with her, praise, reward, punishment, removal of items, removal of wifi, ignoring lies which are safe to ignore, one on one time, days out, activities.
She will act all lovely, earn a reward and then mock me on social media to her friends as being a mug because shes pretended to be nice and got what she wanted.

I need help.

@thesendiaries I'm sorry your dd is lying and that you are unhappy about her behavior. My dd is 13 and sometimes drives me mad! She is on the autistic spectrum and sometimes behaves in ways I cannot relate to.

I usually tell my kids that when they are behaving badly towards me it actually makes them look bad. So, for example, her boasting of getting one over on you may make her friends wonder if she is lying to them, and secretly making fun of them.

I wonder if the lies are to get your attention? Is there anything that could be going on in her life which she is trying to draw your attention to?

You don't say how old she is, if she is a teen I'd see if you can just talk to her about all this. Pick a moment when she is engaged in an activity, making sandwiches, making a cake, whatever, and just see if you can get to the bottom of this.

I do wonder if being a teenager for some is just a very difficult time and they need to just get through some of it. If her lies are putting her in danger, then intervene, if not maybe ignore?

If you think this is connected to school, I'd speak to school and see if they can offer a counselling session or whatever (but be aware the school counsellor may well not tell you what has been talked about).

Good luck.

Thank you Italian, she is 15.

Sorry to answer your question she genuinely seems happy at school. I have already spoke to school and they have done what they can. I think a lot of the time she says stuff because she is trying to fit in. She has always found friendships hard and difficult to maintain. By slagging her Mum off when they slag there's off or by lying that something has happened to her which a friend has said has happened to them I think that's her way of keeping friends.
Unfortunately at least one of her friends is a nightmare so lying to keep up with that friend is a disaster.

The lying to me is pointless.
Well she lies constantly to cover her tracks and wrong doings.
But quite often the lies to me will have no point to them what so ever.
For example she is allowed to go shopping with friends if she tells me so I'm not worrying about her being home late.
She will go shopping and then lie that she was in school for homework club. Only her friends tag her on Facebook in pictures.

Which is utterly pointless as she would have been allowed to go anyway.

What sort of stuff is she lying about?

Literally everything. It's compulsive lying.
Where she is, lies about things that happen at school then I look like an idiot when I email in. Lies about things I've done or said to her, lies about other relatives. Just lies lies lies.

I have a teenage daughter but I have not encountered this before so please please take my advice, such as it is, with a pinch of salt, I could be wrong!!!!

"By slagging her Mum off when they slag there's off or by lying that something has happened to her which a friend has said has happened to them I think that's her way of keeping friends."

Can you explain that being a good friend, listening to her friends, sharing interests, etc etc is better than a race to the bottom of who can behave the worst?

Just warn her that now you know why she is doing this you are not going to allow this to hurt you anymore. But you do seriously think it will hurt her as her behavior is being driven by someone else.

Someone who may end up doing really stupid things, which your dd may copy. This will almost certainly impact your dd in a bad way.

(And is very immature for a 15 year old. Say it in a nice way, she is missing out on growing up by copying an idiot, be nice!)

"Literally everything. It's compulsive lying." There are a few things here:

Our word is our bond (use age appropriate language) - if word gets round we cannot tell the truth than any revelations about how others treat us, what happens to us, may be met with disbelief. This could easily put your dd in dangerous situations (my mum used to call it the Little Boy who Cried Wolf - but 'the teenage girl who cried wolf' works too!)

And, blurring the lines of reality for her could harm her mental health.

I would speak to CAMHS for advice on this.

thesendiaries good luck.

This website if aimed at younger kids but I think some of the advice is helpful.

www.imom.com/10-ways-to-get-your-kids-to-stop-lying/#.W5UDTUZKiUk

I especially like the idea of using her 'creative ideas' to write.

And his one www.verywellfamily.com/steps-help-child-stop-lying-tell-the-truth-1094945

8, 9 and 10 seem fair.

In your shoes I would try speak to CAMHS, search internet and try a three-pronged approach:

1 - I would not stop listening to her, she needs to talk, keep listening, but I would not always believe her, and if necessary make your plans around this.

E.G. if you say she says she is at after school club I think you might expect you back by 5.00. If shopping with friends and shops shut at 5.30/6.00 and are 30 minutes away, be back by 6.30.

If she is going to the shops and tells you she is at after school club, then there should be a consequence for being back an hour and a half late! Just try it. Make it easier and better to tell the truth.

2-challenge her on the lies not from an 'I want the truth' front but more from a 'these lies are damaging your credibility' (her bad girl mate most likely likes being the bad girl, if your dd gets too bad the friend may drop her anyway! IMHO

3. find common ground and be with her just doing stuff, walk a dog (loads of my friends need their dogs walking), make a cake or help her make family meals, even salads, renovate a piece of furniture for her room or fix up an old bike, or find a TV show you love - our favorite it Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners!

It's tough, but there will be a way through it. At 15 she is close to being an adult. Many adults are very intolerant of compulsive liars, she is playing with fire, offer to help her, but it will only work if she wants to change.

I've not experienced this exact thing but dd has been economical with the truth and honest one to one relaxed chats have helped.

I think you need to be stricter and make her life so difficult when she lies or is unpleasant that it becomes easier for her to just behave herself.

Don't reward good behaviour. Punish bad behaviour severely, and punish neutral behaviour to a lesser extent too.

Example:

Tell (don't ask) her to clean the house while you are out for the day. If she complies and the house is spotlessly clean when you return home, she gets nothing - no reward. If she's made a decent effort but things are not perfect, a mild punishment like no wifi for a month. If she hasn't made an effort at all, full-on punishment such as confining her to her room with no electrical equipment, only being allowed out for school, use the bathroom and perform chores, for a month.

You've tried being nice to her to get her to change her behaviour but it's not working, so you need to up the stakes a little. Either that or count down the days until she turns 16 and you can turf her out - a shock like that will change her attitude, if nothing does before then!

Chelle Are you in the UK? I only ask as that seems to be an extreme suggestion more akin to the USA style teenage bootcamps that are occasionally featured on TV here.

Personally I think that kind of attitude from the parent would quickly lead to complete breakdown of relations and the teen moving out to sofa surf, or worse.

ChelleDawg2020 I think that is spectacularly bad advice.

The OP is not trying to get her dd to clean the house, she is trying to get her to stop lying.

As mum to a teen I would also say we are all trying to build relationships with our kids, because that is how family probably works best.

TeenTimesTwo I completely agree with you.

No Wi-Fi for a month? Do you want to end any relationship you have with your teen? That's a huge punishment and in no way relational to the crime of not cleaning the kitchen!

I would also say that this is in part age and stage appropriate. Try not to over react. As your dd's mum it is entirely normal that you are her greatest enemy and her greatest ally. It was ever thus. Sounding off to her friends about you is normal. Don't you remember doing that with your friends about your mum? It's all part of the natural process of your DD separating from you and you having less control over who she is and what she does.

With regards to the lying - don't get into an argument about things. You tell her you know she is lying or has lied and that you are disappointed in her. Don't try and manage her problems for her like contacting the school other than to work in partnership with them and not your dd. Stay out of disputes with friends and family. Doesn't mean you don't listen to her, you just stop trying to fix things. That Doesn't mean with drawing love. Exactly the opposite, you can show love whilst showing lack of trust and dislike for her actions.

ludothedog excellent advice.

I agree a month's no wi fi is excessive in the extreme. Plus kids will find other ways and be round friends' houses all the time. Making home a nasty place to be is the worst idea.