Christmas already?!

[imnotthatorganised]

I know it's ridiculous to be discussing Christmas this early but here I am!

I've been with dh for 13 years. We have never gone to his parents for Christmas. This is not through choice. His mother hasn't been the most welcoming of me (I don't think she thought our relationship would last and then husband moved 4 hours away to be with me and she accused me of stealing him etc) so there is a bit of a back story! Anyway the last few years we have rubbed along fine and are polite to each other if not particularly close.

Anyway basically every year we are both invited to my parents (it is more of a assumption at this point). I am never invited to pils. Sometimes dh tries and just assumes I'm invited like one year dh told them I was coming with him then a week before Christmas they announced they were going on a cruise instead. MIL complains that she would like dh to be there at Christmas but evidently does not want me there and dh always says he would like to spend Christmas together.

Now I am pregnant. When we told MIL this she said how lovely it would be to have a baby in the house at Christmas? I am not sure if this means I am now invited or if it means I am meant to send baby along with dh without me? In any case it does not matter as I am not due until early next year.

My AIBU is that mil has just text husband asking once again what his plan is for Christmas. I am working Christmas Eve night this year (so will finish early Christmas morning) and therefore don't really want to drive 4 hours in the car back to where parents/pils live so we decided to have Christmas at home before baby arrives. I should say I have invited two friends of ours who are also away from their families and we are going to each do a bring your own dish kind of Christmas lunch (I don't want to be doing much as will be about 28 weeks pregnant and tired after night shift).
Mil thinks Dh should leave me here and drive up Christmas Eve himself? AIBU to be a bit fed up of this ? We are going to have a family soon and I would like us all to get on (mil does visit occasionally to stay and we get on fine she just thinks Christmas should be for 'family')

I just want this all resolved and over before our baby comes.

Sorry for the length!!!

I would work on the assumption that you'll never be invited, tbh.

I would ask your husband to reply:

‘Let me get this straight mum, you’d like me to drive 4 hours away from my pregnant wife and leave her along for Christmas? Because if that’s what you mean you are going to be disappointed!’

@PicksChew I'm in two minds tbh. One being that I am now suddenly accepted as I am providing the grandchild so therefore come with them and the other being that I will be expected to hand baby over and head off to my parents :-/ I know dh wouldn't expect me to do this as for the last god knows how long he has always stuck by me and come to my parents or spent Christmas just us two.

I just think of threads where pils say how parents of the mother get more time etc with GC and I don't want us to be that.

@AppleKatie dh basically said he wouldn't be leaving me as we always spend Christmas together and mil said that I will be tired so probably sleep all day anyway! I don't think she will be impressed if she finds out we have friends coming!

Wow, so you've been with dh 13 years but you're not "family"?

@chardonm apparently not. I'm not even put on cards 😂 like our anniversary card (which I was surprised to get tbh) this year was just addressed to 'DH Name and wife'

There have been many things over the years that have been tbh shit. Think mil ignoring me at family events, inviting Dh ex and purposely sitting them together with me somewhere as far off as possible. Dh has always stood up for me and that is why I have let a lot of it slide in recent years so that he could have some relationship with his family and not have a great deal of tension.

Yabu, be grateful, because I guarantee next year when you have given her a grandchild you will miraculously be invited for Christmas and then you get to say "I don't fucking think so granny, I was never welcome before so no matter how much you pretend now I will not be accepting any fake invitations just so you can see your grandchild, you reap what you sow" and enjoy Christmas with your family instead. She's inadvertently doing you a favour this year showing you she doesn't give a shit about you

Wow I just read your update I think you need to accept that there is nothing wrong with being closer to your family and batshit mil being someone you tolerate once or twice a year not at Christmas

The more I think about this the more outrageously rude it seems. I mean wtaf! You’re married and she thinks it’s ok to pretend you don’t exist?

Is there a huge backstory you haven’t told us? I mean did you drown her kitten or something?

DH is clearly very supportive of you which is lovely, but has he ever actually said 'look mum I'm with 'imnotthatorganised' now, we come as a couple, you either accept that and be happy at seeing the two of us or you see neither of us, nor your grandchild.

If so did she bother to answer.

@Returnofthesmileybar that made me laugh! It had crossed my mind but I did also think maybe I would have to just suck it up for the sake of Mil having a relationship with GC. I do actually think she will be a very loving grandparent if just somewhat overbearing at times!

We already lost a baby this year and she was quite upset by it all.

My own mum who is far too nice for her own good thinks I should see this baby as a chance to repair some of the relationship.

@AppleKatie 😂😂😂 no while I am not a big fan of cats I haven't ever hurt one! There is a big back story but I assure you I have never done anything against her. I have posted under a different username about our past and was happy that people agreed I had done my best :) basically dh was dating someone else and mil has openly said she wishes they had stayed together. I then came along (I think about a year later) and we have been together since.

@Billybagpus She acted appallingly at our wedding etc (think wearing white, inviting people and not telling us, cancelling a cake I had ordered etc) and cried to dh that she did not think he should marry me. Dh told her at the time we came as a pair and that he was disappointed in her and if things didn't improve he would cut her off. This is when I thought things started to improve as while I never received an apology she did stop making comments and was a lot politer when we visited.

What sort of woman thinks her married son is going to come back to mummy for Christmas without his wife???
Utter insanity.

When you marry you two become a family - and family’s spend Christmas together.
I would get DH to tell her that you two - soon to be three- are a family. Christmas is a time for family and his family will only be celebrating Christmas where you are all welcome.
Don’t let her dictate her terms on your christmases , especially now you are having a baby.
I would be telling her that you will be spending Christmas in your own home for the next ten years as you feel a child should spend Christmas in their own home ( kids do like to be at home fir Christmas. It’s no fun being dragged round having to leave your presents. They just want to wake up in their own bed and be at home - that’s certainly my experience and the experience of most people I know)

Honestly, I never cry no contact on threads but she sounds more unhinged with every update! Let's be clear, someone this spiteful is not a nice person, nice people don't treat people like she treats you. You need to talk with your husband and be clear on visits, always keep her at arms length and if she doesn't start treating you properly then you walk away from her. Why would you want such a negative person in your child's life? I mean that's fair, you are giving her a another chance, if she fucks it up by being a bitch she only has herself to blame

@yorkshireyummymummy yes that's the plan :-) it's sad because I feel like my family (I have a younger sibling still at home and my parents foster so lots of little ones running around) will miss out on seeing us at Christmas but I think the only way to be fair and to get around all this is if we spend Christmas as a three at home from now on :-)

@Returnofthesmileybar oh believe me I'm not a pushover anymore haha I think baby has made me a bit more angry about it all as my mother bear instinct has kicked in! 🙈 while we do see her now I do not do half the stuff I used to to accommodate anymore. For example I no longer suggest they visit or we visit them. It is entirely one sided now because I was sick of it being effort one way only. Dh is useless at staying in touch so we see them maybe once every few months when we visit my family. My family tend to ring constantly (I'm very close to my mum) and visit at least once a month :-) I also leave all presents etc up to dh whereas once I'd have put a lot of effort in.

Dh is now very much super aware of any bad behaviour and shuts it down immediately. Which is probably why we have rubbed along until this.

Sorry for posting so much I feel very relieved to get it all out!!! I try not to talk to dh about it as it's his family and my poor friends must be sick of the drama!

Op. Let them come to you. Don't try and force anything. Just carry on, don't feel guilt or trying to make things fair. Just carry on as normal. Let dh deal with them don't worry about anything else.

Definalty don't punish loving, accommodating parents because of selfish nasty in laws!

Please it breaks my heart when I read that. I have picked up so many tips from these threads and my own experiences.

It would be devastating to be left out not because we were awful grandparents but because the other side was. How would you feel op?

I've spent a miserable decade trying to play fair on this front... What we need to learn is the people that make demands like this who behave like this don't care. They have different rules.

We were in a similar situation and set our stall out early that once DC arrived we would be having Christmas in our own home. The thought of schlepping children around at Christmas because their relatives want to see them in hideous. We're at home. If people want to visit, they're welcome. I suggest you make a firm stand now before your baby arrives.

I amoften one to defend MiLs on here, but she sounds like a total loon.
Who write and anniversary card to their ds and can't bring themselves to put their DiL's name in it ?!?!? I mean, why not just ignore it ? . Quite common / normal to not send a card, so why do that??? Totally bonkers.

However, don't stop going to your own parents some years, just because your MiL is behaving s badly. It is great that your dh sticks up for you, and it is also lovely to do different things in different years - so this year's arrangement makes absolute sense around your work shifts, but don't rule out going to your Mum's some years, just because of the poor behaviour of your MiL. That is her choice, don't let her spoil all your Christmases.

Let me give you a quick story on my MIL (HA QUICK...NOT) lunatic ! When pregnant with DD she told my DH she wanted to be at the birth we said no so she told us she would wait in the car park.. so I obviously told DH I don't want her knowing until baby born! Rang her the second she came out (Whilst I was having a PPH, May I add!) and she kicked of to high heavens ruined the birth for my DH!! Then my DD christening came along she decided to talk about my DH's Ex so she ruined that for me, the. My DD 1st birthday. She wanted to come to my house for 6 AM to watch her open her presents and because we said no we wanted it to just be us she decided to text us abuse and didn't speak to us for 6 months.... guess what DD just turned two and she fell out with us 3 weeks before. She never bothers with our DD until special events Christmas and b-day etc so why should I allow her there?

Even if she does invite you for Christmas dinner once the baby is around for it I'd tell her to shove her turkey up her own a** because you don't want it!! If your not good enough for her than neither is your child after all it will be half of you

I can't stand mother in laws

I am bemused at the idea of her sending her son a card to celebrate his wedding anniversary but deliberately not putting his wife's name on it.... without whom there wouldn't actually be a wedding to celebrate.

OP I don’t think there is much you can do here she’s behaved horribly. I think just leave to your DH to speak to her and try and not let it upset you.