AIBU?

[AEFT]

To send my ex a message saying if he doesn't sort out regular contact with DD within a certain timeframe then I will no longer be facilitating his random and sporadic short contact times.
Long story short- It's been 3 years, he pays no maintenance, hardly ever sees DD and is a nightmare to get hold of!
I will also say in the message if he wants contact after failing to sort it out within the timeframe he can go through a contact centre

Is he likely to throw it back at you?

Is your DD likely to throw it back at you?

What timeframe are you thinking? Presumably it would have to be proportionate to how often he contacts you at the moment?

Just ignore him. Don’t offer. Let him come to you, and see what happens

Yep just don't chase him anymore! CMS for maintenance.

Keep a record of all communication.
Keep a record of all the times he’s let the child down.
Send the text saying what you stated and obviously keep a record of what he says and does.

But prepare for fallout, abuse etc.

Also you need to get into CMS ( whether or not you have to pay a set up fee)

DD is only 4, aware of who he is but doesn't see him as her main father figure as ex sees her for less than 20 hours a year sometimes months apart. That's only the past year, previous two was less than that.

Cms have been chasing him for 3 years but he job hops and is now getting paid cash in hand.

I was going to say 4 months to give him time to organise regular contact time with her.
Want to give this ultimatum because I don't think it's fair on DD to have such a random undefined relationship. He's due another DC soon and we've recently welcomed a new DC, I don't want her to grow up thinking she wasn't good enough for him so he had another and doted on them instead.

Geez don't bother with ultimatums, why are you chasing him? He isn't bothered, as sad as that is..

Next time he gets in touch tell him when it suits you for contact to happen if he doesn't like it he can take you to court (although mediation happens first).

You need to massively detach from him, you are escalating the drama and giving him control.

I agree CMS for maintenance payments. If you don't need it put it in a bank account for DD's driving lessons or house deposit.

I Want to give this ultimatum because it's not fair on DD for him to vanish for a few months when he feels like it.

Cms have been chasing him for 3 years with no result.

You need to get back into CMS.

While I understand you want to give him an ultimatum I would recommend just not contacting him.

And when he contacts you just advise him to get through to CMS because they have been chasing him to pay the rightful amount to his daughter.

Your daughter will not miss this “man”, I promise you.

I wouldn't do contact without regular maintenance, in this case.

It will destroy your DD's self esteem if you allow it to go on for any longer.

He will never be fair on DD - he doesn't care!

I would just refuse contact next time he asks and tell him to get a contact order. Even if he gets one you can't make him stick to it...

I hope the CMS manage to pin him down eventually.

Do not give him an ultimatum. Instead, leave it up to him to be in touch, and decide on whether his requested times can be accommodated.

You see, even if you hammered away, with ultimatums and court orders he might well decide not to turn up. There is unfortunately no way to turn a deadbeat into a decent dad. So cut your losses at this point, in terms of it being up to you to do something.

Perhaps reconsider if some sort of message needs to be sent if he's not been in touch ready for Christmas (or a birthday, if there is one in the offing)

I wouldn't even force it. And certainly not for money. He either wants to be her df or couldn't give two hoots.
Do it yourself. That's what I did.
With two.
We're all different.