To just want some time on my own sometimes?

[hangrymoo]

Let me just start by saying my DP is amazing and I love him to bits, and we are getting married next year.

However my AIBU is - he’s very much a people person and loves spending time with me/being around me etc. Obviously I love being around him too, but I’ve always been more introverted and sometimes I just want to disappear upstairs by myself with a book, or come downstairs early in the morning and watch TV by myself. But he just seems to have this burning desire to want to keep me company when I’m doing something on my own.

He does go out with his friends but he’s a few years older than me and most are now married with kids so can’t be constantly out socialising like they used to.

How do I tell him that as much as I love him, I like being on my own sometimes as well, without offending him or having him think something is wrong?

We’ve been together 3 years and moved in together last year. Before that I had my own flat so was very used to having a lot of me time. I’m not really sure how long I’ve been feeling this but it’s been getting gradually worse.

Is anyone else like this and their DPs are really understanding? Am I a total weirdo?

What happens when you say “hey love I just wanna have a few minutes to myself to read my book”?

He asks me if I’m okay

And doesn’t seem to believe me when I say I’m absolutely fine I just want to be on my own.

Yuck. I thought you were going to be talking about a toddler. I would find that hideously unsexy. Imagine how needy he'll be when he's retired.

YANBU. No matter how much you love your husband, many people would would go batshit crazy if they were with him all the time. And women need their 'me time,' (and men do too, but not as much as women IMO, because they lead more stressful lives than men!)

I love my husband dearly (together over a quarter century and married for over 20 years,) and he is great company, and good to talk to, but on the occasions he has been around a lot (like on leave for 2 weeks when we don't go anywhere, or on sick after an op or an illness,) he drives me CRAZY.

Problem is, he never goes anywhere else, and has no mates. He has workmates, who he socialises with occasionally, but no mates, and no other family, (except half a dozen cousins who live abroad.) His parents died 10-12 years ago, and he is an only child, so he relies on me heavily for support with everything. Some days, he doesn't stop talking, and narrating every scene of whatever he is watching on tv.

It's OK for the best part, but can be quite exhausting. On the other hand, I do love him, and if I had the choice, I would not leave, as he has so many other good qualities. And I do love him! AND he has given me 2 amazing children.

Upshot is, I retreat to my bedroom (had separate ones for 7-8 years, because of health reasons and his colossal snoring!) and I go watch something on netflix there, or just read a book. If I didn't do that sometimes, I would go mad.

After over 25 years together, I DO feel that I can say 'I need to be on my own for a bit!' because he learned early on that it's nothing personal. Maybe say you have a headache or you just need to go rest in the bedroom for a bit as you feel tired. If he says 'I'll come!' just say 'I really want a bit of downtime on my own. It's not you, I just need to chill on my own for a bit.'

Some men (not all) are like this; very clingy and needy, and take it as a personal slight on them if their wife/partner dares to want an hour on her own! Yet men pursue many hobbies and interests that exclude women, and that's OK.

If your partner gets arsey, he will have to suck it up and get used to the fact that you can basically do what the hell you want, and he needs to not be a baby about it.

DH & I were like this (although to be fair to him, he never followed me around like that & I would have really struggled with it) in our early years. He lived to socialise after work, I couldn’t handle it on the same scale. So he’d go out, I’d go home & he’d roll up at some point. It worked for us because I used to read/watch TV/go to bed early, rather than cook/clean/laundry. That would have led to resentment very quickly. Persevere with trying to get him to understand / it is worth it. We have a mixture of introverts & extroverts in our kids & we can both ‘get’ them because we get one another.

You are an introvert by the sound of it and that is ok.

Perhaps explain it to him?

Have you read the book 'Quiet:the power of introverts in a world that just can't stop talking' . I found this really helpful to understand my need for solitude!

Thanks for the book suggestion Chuckie (sorry don’t know how to tag) I will have a look on Amazon!

Thing is, he’s up super early and spends two hours in the gym every morning so he gets his ‘him’ time then.

This is my first relationship that’s progressed to the moving in stage and it’s still quite fresh so I didn’t want it to come across like I dont like spending time with him, because ofc I do.

I get it. My DH used to always want us to go up to bed at the same time. So if he was ready to go to bed, he'd get annoyed if I wanted to watch TV or something for a little while longer, and if I wanted to go up early and read a book and chill out, he'd come with me!! I just wanted some time to myself, maybe treat myself to a little face mask upstairs before bed, potter about, and he'd be in my way. It was really annoying and I just told him I couldn't cope with it any longer and now he has stopped and we just both go up to bed when we want (which is usually quite close together anyway). I know where you're coming from, it's very irritating, just try and make him understand what you need.

My dp was like this in the beginning, he would wonder if something was upsetting me if I wanted to be by myself. After I explained that I sometimes need to be alone to recharge my energy he understood. On a Thursday he does badminton club for 2 hours after the baby's in bed and I get silence to read my book, it's quite enjoyable. Since there's so many football games he likes to watch, the rule is that he has to look after baby when watching so I also get occasional time on weeknights and weekends to either sit by myself or go out to a Coffee shop with my book (a much needed sanity reliever after spending all day alone with the baby). Just explain to him that sometimes you need to recharge by yourself. Open communication is always the best route.

Thanks everyone, it’s nice to know other people have experienced something similar and resolved it

I had this with my OH. We don't live together but he spent a lot of time here. I had exactly the same problem. If I went to my room to read he'd appear. When he was tired he'd say 'shall we go up now' then get pissed off if I wanted to read with the light on.
I really did have to spell it out to him! I've told him that when we live together seperate bedrooms will be non negotiable. I've spent a long time on my own and I love my space.

I got an allotment...5 mins drive away. So when I need space I go there...

My dh doesn’t have a hobby and it does drive me mad at times as I don’t get nearly enough alone time. There’s part of me sometimes longs for my own house back to get some space.

I’m not quite as sure as others above that this will work out. You need to encourage a hobby for either or both if you that gives you both space! Maybe buy him a bike....?

Ha! I've just been offered a promotion and have opted to work a shift pattern rather than Monday to Friday days. Ostensibly this is because the pay is better, in reality it's because the idea of being in the house and out the house at the same times as DH and DS makes me feel uneasy at best and faintly murderous at worst
Definitely NBU OP!

I’m exactly the same and dh is unfortunately the opposite! I have been known to book leave from work on a Monday, just to get some essential time on my own after he’s been at home all weekend and not told him(he’d take leave too). Great bloke, but it can be exhausting.

Cracked wood I have been known to switch my working from home days if he decides to WFH on my usual day. I tell him it’s because of meetings!

Cricket - He does have a sort of hobby in the gym (he is REALLY obsessed with his fitness) but he goes before work (while I’m still asleep) so I don’t really get the benefits of him being out the house. I know I need to get a hobby though! I just wouldn’t know where to start!

I definitely have this, although my DP is understanding of the need to recharge my batteries. If I feel like I haven't had enough downtime alone then I can start very slightly pulling away as I feel inundated with love and attention and need some space!

Luckily my DP is understanding and we can talk about it and I can get some me-time. I definitely agree with explaining yourself as an introvert! Could you get up early some saturday mornings and take yourself shopping or something? I love shopping alone and getting a coffee but it's not something I do enough!

My friend was the same but her ex-DP didn't understand. If she said she wanted to spend some time alone reading he would say "but I love you and what to spend all my time with you so you clearly don't love me if you want time alone"

My DP follows me around the house like a lost puppy. I just tell him to piss off and leave me alone for half an hour