Aibu or is dh?

[Seeyouwhenwegetthere]

DH text to say he was going out for a couple of pints. He said he would not be getting drunk as he has to take our baby somewhere in the morning. It got quite late so I text him asking when he was coming home. His texts back were completely incoherent so I called him and he sounded incredibly drunk. He then became abusive (kept telling me to fuck off and shut the fuck Up - I know this part was him bu) and called me a control freak. He said he just won’t go out anymore as I clearly want him to just spend his life serving me

Now, I know that’s the drink talking and I’m disgusted at the way he spoke to me. This is out of character. But aibu for asking him to let me know when plans Change? Because I thought that was just common curtesy. He says he doesn’t expect the same in return which is true but I usually keep him updated anyway.

I’m really upset with how he’s spoken to me to be honest. I didn’t shout at him at all just said calmly I was annoyed as I’d have to wait up as he forgot his house key and he could have at least told me.

Oh OP he acted like an arse!
Is he normally like this or was it a one off when he was drunk?
How are things this morning?

If he’s going to be driving today I don’t think you were unreasonable - he could still be over the limit this morning.

I wouldn't have waited up. Alcohol reduces inhibitions so it is who he really is. Does he get drunk often?

As the pp said, if he was that drunk then he’ll probably still be over the limit this morning and shouldn’t be driving anywhere. He acted like a complete dick and I’m sorry but being drunk doesn’t give him the excuse to be verbally abusive to you. It sounds to me like there’s some underlying resentment there on his part and i’d Be cautious of just brushing this off. I think you have an issue in your marriage that needs to be dealt with.

He doesn’t get drunk often. He’ll go for drinks every couple of weeks and sometimes gets drunk others will just have one or two. The way he has spoke to me is extremely out of character.

Spoke to him this morning he tried to brush it off but I kept on at him and all sorts of stuff has come out about how unhappy he is with life and where he is at his stage of life. Not sure where we’ll go from here.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Drunk man speaks sober mind.

It's easy when you are out and in company to get carried away and it sounds like he has done this and reached straw that broke the camels back point. He sounds very unhappy and maybe some space today before sitting down and having a proper talk, to work out how you move forward would be an idea:

If you want to know who someone really is, get them drunk. Your husband is a cunt.

Did he drive today?

No he didn’t drive. I took her

He was BU but I think it sounds like he has bottled up some resentment about your attitude towards him.

My attitude towards him is good. It’s his towards me last night that is a problem.

Seeyouwgenwegetthere

I was referring to him calling you a control freak. He wouldn't do that unless he believes you are in some way?

If my DP said that to me I would want to find out why.

I guess you both need to have a serious talk soon - hopefully he's not like a bear with a sore head today

Drunk man speaks sober mind.

How come a lot of drunken people get off with or sleep with people they wouldn't if they were sober then?

It doesn't automatically follow that what is said when in drink is true. Sometimes it is, sometimes it's not.

I did ask him why. He said he called me a control freak because I text him asking what time he was coming home last night. I argued that I needed to know as he didn’t have a key and our baby still sleeps in the same room as us so he couldn’t have just called me when we got home to let him in.

He doesn’t do serious talks unfortunately. I tend to do the talking and he sits back and nods and agrees but never really airs his feelings fully. It’s frustrating - today is the first time he’s properly opened up but he’s now reverted back as the hangovers kicked in.

Hope you're OK and manage to talk some more and sort stuff out

Asking what time someone is coming back so you can let them in is not controlling - you were doing him a favour since he forgot his key! Demanding to know without any good reason or trying to manipulate someone into not going out / coming home early is controlling

Could you have a few drinks together so he can open up again? I know that's not ideal and he shouldn't have to be drunk to talk to you but might be the only way you get anything out of him in the short term...

I’m actually gutted I didn’t quiz him a bit more when he was actually drunk. I asked him to explain the comment about me wanting him to serve me today and he said it was just drunk nonsense. Maybe he would have been able to explain what he meant if he was drunk still?

That one really bothered me actually. I do 80% of childcare and house work 100% cooking and food shopping as I’m sahm. I don’t know how else he could serve me? Unless he means he goes out to work but that’s through choice as he would prefer me to stay home. I’m clearly overanalysing.

How come a lot of drunken people get off with or sleep with people they wouldn't if they were sober then?

Lowering inhibitions is one obvious side effect of most drugs, including alcohol. For some people that means opening their mouths and declaring "I hate your fucking Mother" and for others it means opening their mouths and spending 40 minutes kissing a total stranger. There's no difference at all, really. Lowered inhibitions just mean a breakdown in behaviours we'd normally hold back.

You might find a lot of the ‘so unhappy with my life’ stuff was deflection OP, he knows he was out of order last night and is trying to turn it round on you. I would let the dust settle for a day or two and then have a sit down chat about whether changes need to be made to your lives.

I suspect he’ll say no changes need to be made when pushed and you then need to make the point that he can’t say he’s happy with the status quo and then say something different and throw it in your face during arguments.

Wait til his hangover has gone though, he will be all doom and gloom and ‘my life is shit’ while he’s feeling crappy, you may well get different answers when he’s back to normal.

But no, YWNBU or controlling to ask when he would be home when he had no keys and yes, you probably are overthinking a bit. I don’t subscribe to the view that people always speak the truth when drunk, talk to him when this has blown over and then see where you are.

Drunk man speaks sober mind.

How come a lot of drunken people get off with or sleep with people they wouldn't if they were sober then?

Because alcohol lowers your inhibitions. Makes you say and do things you ordinarily would not. So the example, X got drunk and slept with Y (who they would never sober) is exactly the same as the OP DH who got drunk and said something he wouldn't say sober.