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AIBU?

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Original poster

I am at my wit’s end please please help

84 replies

Maggie134 · 07/09/2018 22:48

Hello,

I have been on here before about problems in my marriage. My husband has depression and the way it manifests itself is that he eats junk food constantly, lies in bed all day, is extremely prone to anger and aggressive and has absolutely no self-esteem.

We have been fighting for years that he does absolutely nothing around the house. Many weekends he lies in bed all day and he slept the whole way through Christmas and Easter and many other important and not so important days but still a waste is time. Naturally this has made me very angry and hurt. I am constantly bubbling with rage but every time I say anything to him it turns into a huge row, it often gets violent with things being broken and thrown and once he kicked me. He is verbally abusive and has called me things like bastard, cunt and psycho, He then off in a fit of temper and I stay home in hysterics and I self harm. When he comes come he blames me for not backing off when he gets angry and driving him to it.

Our finances have been tight as we have just renovated our house and we have no social life. He says we can’t afford anything but he spends at least £60 a week on himself eating out.

We have been in separate bedrooms for almost a year no and no sex for a year before that his anti depressants suppress libido and he eats so much junk he’s not fit. I am also being treated for fertility problems.

We were going to counselling about a year ago (at my request) but he threw in the towel and refused to go back. Things didn’t improve and in fact they got worse. We started with a different counsellor a few weeks ago (again at my request) and I thought things were going well. I felt that I was getting a lot off my chest and was being understood and empathised with. Last week the counsellor was quite hard on him trying to get him to confront his anger. Since then he has blanked me, he has been staying out late (until 9pm) and ignoring me when he does come home. The only thing he did say is that the counselling isn’t working and the counsellor thinks he is a psycho.

Today I was looking at our phone bill and there were some extra charges to a strange number. When I googled it it brought up an escort agency and when I rang it a woman with a foreign accent answered. I just don’t know what to think.

I feel so so alone and I don’t know what to do. I can’t go on like this, I feel like I have given my all to this marriage and got nothing in return.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/09/2018 07:39

I would seriously just divorce him. What has he done/is he doing to address his depression?

If he hasn't/isn't then he is happy the way it is. I say that as someone who has had severe depression at times my whole life.

Certainly don't have DC with him!

Fisharesexy · 08/09/2018 07:53

My dad has severe mental health problems, ruined mine and my brothers lives. My mum died at the age of 57 of lung cancer, she was a heavy smoker. In my mind, my dad pretty much killed her himself.
Me and my 2 brothers have a lot of mental problems etc. My older brother has inflicted a lot of the same on his kids. My younger brother and I have managed to be good parents despite our problems. Our kids are happy.
DO NOT LISTEN to people saying you should stay, because he's mentally ill and can't help it. I wish my mum had left our dad.
I speak as someone who has lived with people with MH issues and as someone who lives with it myself. I know what I'm talking about.
Please do not bring kids in to this situation. They will suffer.
Leave him.
Good luck!!!!!

Xenia · 08/09/2018 08:01

I was very reluctant to divorce but in the end it has been one of the best things I have ever done for the family and the children and nothing like as bad as I expected. however it's your decision to take. If you were to part you will have to think about how things would be organised - if you would have to sell the newly renovated house or if you could afford one of you to live in it and the other to buy or rent somewhere else and that kind of thing.

mouthkisses · 08/09/2018 08:03

You have been let down so many times. You are forgiving him every day by staying. I think it's time you thought about yourself. Make one move to free yourself from this intractable situation. It stops now.

Somewhereovertherainbow13 · 08/09/2018 08:06

Aside from the escorts my oh is exactly the same. We have children and I don’t know how I would support them as a single parent which at the moment is my only reason to stay. If you have no children I have no understanding of why you are still there. He will drag you down until you have no self esteem, no self worth and nothing left to offer. Please please take everybody’s advice and look at getting out. I can only imagine the relief you would feel walking away.

To everybody making comments about depression being a mental illness - yes it truly is but until you’ve lived with somebody in the middle of depression you have no idea how destructive it is to everybody around that person. If that person won’t help themselves why should everybody else pick up the pieces all the time for year after year after year

NadiaLeon · 08/09/2018 08:09

@Somewhereovertherainbow13

If that person won’t help themselves why should everybody else pick up the pieces all the time for year after year after year

Because they are sick and their illness tells them NOT to seek help. I don't get the impression you know what having a MH issue is like...

redfairy · 08/09/2018 08:09

You've tried multiple times and yet you are both still miserable. Call it a day. Flowers

PyeWackets · 08/09/2018 08:10

Terrible advice Nadia.

Op deserves a life and she deserves not to be abused. Depression does not make you abusive, so many women struggle with depression and manage not to abuse their partners. we are not put on earth just to make men happy, or be their punch bag. That is NOT marriage.

Get out op, do it now.

Soontobe60 · 08/09/2018 08:13

Why on earth are you having fertility treatment if you've not had sex for 2 years?
It sounds like you're just not made for each other. Regardless of his depression, your relationship is quite toxic. Either you are pushing him too much when he is truly in a very depressed state, or he's just also a complete nob.
Does he recognise that his behaviour can be unreasonable? Does he ever apologise?

NadiaLeon · 08/09/2018 08:13

Women are not put on the earth to serve men, but if a husband had cancer and was bedridden, the wife helping him is still serving him.

OrdinaryGirl · 08/09/2018 08:16

You've invested enough of your love, resources and worry in this man. The evidence suggests things aren't going to change.
The lovely, warm, funny, supportive father of your children is out there. Time to go find him.

Fishface77 · 08/09/2018 08:21

Nadia is also busy trolling on another thread.

Powerbunting · 08/09/2018 08:31

Nadia if a person was bedbound with cancer and being abusive and calling escorts and going out for days at an end?

Yeah I'd leave them too.

Being unwell does not excuse abuse. People like you pretending that it does only adds to the stigma of mental health.

I bet he was an arsehole before he became unwell. And he remains so now.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 08/09/2018 08:34

nadialeon derails every thread. Ignore.

You don’t know what to think?

You think ‘he’s a wanker, it’s time to move on’. The depression isn’t the issue, it’s that he’s a wanker who happens to have depression.

Cut your losses now and move on.

Miladymilord · 08/09/2018 08:38

Please do not have children with this man. It sounds like an awful environment for children Sad

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 08/09/2018 08:39

How long have yuo been living like this, OP?

Definitely leave.

Put things in motion now - I don't know how divorce works..do you still have to have a set period of separation? If you do, I be making that official, or going for irreconcilable differences (or whatever it's called) if it makes your exit quicker.

This is an abusive relationship regardless of his mental health issues, so you owe it to yourself to leave.

Echoing everyone who's said don't get pregnant with this man,

SoyDora · 08/09/2018 08:41

I think NadiaLeon has woken up in a contrary mood today. Going on to threads solely to disagree with everyone else and derail them.
OP... leave. Neither of you are happy.

Smellybean · 08/09/2018 08:42

Depression does not cause abuse.
Your H is abusive, The depression is beside the point.

Who told you that ?

Mental health is a horrible horrible illness. People need to realise what happens when your mind is not working properly. you’re not yourself (personal experience with this awful disease). Obviously not condoning his behaviour at all.
It sounds as if you’re not coping and definitely need a break from it all. Maybe give yourselves a break from eachother.

GinPink · 08/09/2018 08:43

Please cut your losses and leave this man xx

Ohyesiam · 08/09/2018 08:44

Maggie, please release yourself from this situation.
You can have a man who is your friend and companion. A man who respects you and values you.
Please get out you and put your energy into creating a happy life for yourself. Flowers
Sending you all the strength you need.

alwayslearning789 · 08/09/2018 08:46

"When he comes home he blames me for not backing off when he gets angry and driving him to it."

OP can you see that it's all about him?

Save yourself and your future children from a lifetime of misery.
Do not be guilt tripped into sharing a marriage with someone who centres on himself.

It is very hard to do, I know, but you will be destroyed eventually if you stay.

So sorry you are going through this - please do listen to the advice from the women here who have faced the same issue.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/09/2018 08:51

This is a genuine question, not sarcastic: why are you still with him? Have you asked yourself that?

DistanceCall · 08/09/2018 08:57

Nadia, depression is indeed a mental health problem.

However, mentally ill people - even psychotics, when they are not in the middle of a crisis - have choices too. They can choose to seek treatment. They can choose to try and treat other people well. Likewise people with cancer. You can have cancer and still be an utter bastard.

The OP's husband is choosing not to seek treatment, and is abusing the OP (which actually doesn't sound much like a depressive at all: people with depression tend to blame themselves for everything, not get aggressive with other people).

OP, please leave. You're doing no good to absolutely anyone by sacrificing your life to this sorry excuse for a man.

Noboozeforme · 08/09/2018 08:57

Life is too short for this shit. The depression is a red herring. .he's an arse. Get rid and find yourself some happiness.

Zoflorabore · 08/09/2018 09:12

Nadia- stop excusing everything and stop likening this to cancer.

If he had cancer then we would be still saying don't put up with abuse and escorts.

Stop being a dickhead and goading people.