To ask for your advice about my life conundrum

[Musicforthemasses18]

I really need to separate from my partner of 18 years- our home life is grim and toxic and affecting our 2 kids 10 & 6
Currently rent in the south east- I have a good job paying 40k but it’s prob not enough as a single parent with rent of 1300 a month.
So do I move now to a cheaper area near family before seperating - uprooting the kids in lots of different ways but close to family/ cheaper rent
Or
Separate now, stay where we are so the only massive disruption is partner moving out. I have very flexible job too currently which I might not be able to replicate.
Am so confused and so unhappy with partner that I just want to be away from him but don’t know what’s best for the kids
Aibu to ask What would you do? It’s such a conundrum

And how is child maintenance calculated? Is it on his weekly basic income?

Hi op, I have no experience to share, but didn't want your post to go unanswered, what a grim situation, sorry you are having to go through this.

Practically, less change the better for kids, so separate where you are?

Thanks @steppe for replying xx

Could you find somewhere cheaper in current area?
You can work out maintenance on an online calculator.
Does he earn a good salary?

If I were in your position I’d see there being a short term and long term plan. Short term separate where you are, keep your job and kids in the schools they are familiar with.

I assume your 10 yo will be going to secondary next September, so if things are difficult where you are then it gives you a year to make a medium/longterm plan. But you may find things work where you are (esp with such a flexible job) and you’d want to stay.

I know this is not ideal but worst case scenario you could rent a 1 bed place. You and the girl in the bedroom, the boy on the sofa or you on the sofa and x2 dc in the bedroom.
Unmumsnetly hug for you.

It will be tough for your DC, so staying where you are might be better. And keeping a good job.
Separate first, then move to a cheaper property in a while if you have to. Will your partner willingly move out?

@majestic not sure if he will willingly move out tbh

First things first. Are your finances shared ? Do you have savings ? Do you have a running-away fund ?

I would do what I could to stay in my current area.
It'll be stressful enough for the kids going through parents separating, it will be awful for them to leave their schools and friends ontop of that.

So move to a two bed flat.
I have two kids the same age in a large flat in the south east.
I pay £900 a month and the kids have a really big double bedroom with loads of space. It's very doable.

Downsizing is a much better option then uprooting the kids.
Keep them as stable as possible. And the bonus is you keep your job.

Maintenance is based on his salary and how often he has the children overnight.

I agree with PPs about looking at downsizing in the area as realistically you would struggle on your salary alone with that rent

On 40k you'd still have 2 grand a month after rent, sounds ok to me? Flexible and secure job worth its weight in gold for a single parent.

Child maintenance calculated on his salery and number of nights he has the kids. Child maintenance service has a calculator you can play with to check different scenarios.

Check out turn2us to see if you would be entitled to any benefits, maybe not but worth 10 minutes to check.

Gingerbread is a single parents charity with lots of information.

Are you married? The wikivorce website has lots of information you can check out without using their services. If you're not it will be simpler.

Good luck!

@Twillow the 2k per month would be before rent, so 700ish left to cover all bills, presumably commuting costs etc.

Hello! I just did £40k /12 months and it came in at £3333. Was that figure before tax maybe?

£40,000 a year is about £2500 ish after tax, not taking into account pensions etc.

I would end the relationship and ask him to leave, and then consider moving after that. You could get by where you are for a while if you’re frugal, and then look at moving after that.

Yes, that’s pre-tax - more like £2500 - £1200 is tight for everything else - food and bills could easily be £850 - once you add in car or commuting, clothes etc there’s not much. However, if you got decent maintenance that would make it more comfy.

I’d downsize to a 2 bed as well and stay in the same area.

If he won’t leave are you able to? Do you currently rent and are you able to leave without consequences?

Less change the better for the kids so split now and try and stay in the same property.

If that's impossible then move to somewhere close by. Schools, clubs and friends all remain the same (It's what i did.)

Only you know your finances and your job and whether you could get another similar nearer your family - you could look at that or ask HR depending on your job. Go through it all with a toothcomb. Research cheaper places nearby that you can bear. What does your partner contribute to the £1300 pcm rent and other outgoings? Is he the parent of these children and would he be able to contribute after you move on?

Since we don't know all these factors, I'd agree with IstheRain and stay put for as long as you can. However, if he's being abusive or alcoholic or whatever, I'd also go to CAB. Given your children are 10 and 6, you have a bit of time before schools become a problem. And ask yourself if they like your family or the area enough to move there.

Move near family