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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think school should move dd?

28 replies

upsideup · 07/09/2018 17:57

DD has just started Y7 and is supposed to be going a residential in a few weeks for which they have been put in groups of 6. 2 of the girls who she had been put in a group with were part of a larger group who bullying her throughout primary school although they were in different schools.

There was a few incidents that happened during a swimming class when they were all in Y4, the last one meant dd ended up staying overnight in hospital. We obviously then moved her and nothing happened but in the middle of last year dd ended up at a party with one of the girls, they didn't talk at all but she must have went back to her friends and they all decided they didn't like dd and started bullying her on instagram.

Their were several photos editing, awful things written about her and had got people to send in insults. DD doesnt have instagram so we didnt see any of this but another parent reported in to our school and the page was removed, no apology from the girls or their parents though.

DD went to her tutor today and explained this and asked if she could be moved to a different group and was told the school can't do anything about it because it happened in an out of school club years ago and on social media last year, neither of which this school has any proof of so she should just forget about it now about it now and they will probably all end up being friends but if anything happens on the trip they will move her. She was told by her tutor to speak to the head of year if she wanted to which she did and was told the same, that they can't do anything. I don't believe that swapping who is in each group is the sort thing that actually can't be done, they just don't want to.

So AIBU to think the school can and should move her because of all this and shouldn't just wait until she gets hurt in their care?

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 07/09/2018 17:59

YANBU. I don't get their reasoning

MrsMozart · 07/09/2018 18:01

Surely their duty of care means they should move her.

steppemum · 07/09/2018 18:02

ok, sounds to me as if the tutor is brushing of what they think is a year 7 whining/trying it on to get to be with their friends.

So, letter from you, these girls were part of a group who have bullied her in past, to the extent that she was hospitalised, and later bullied on social media.
It is not appropriate for dd to share with them, as you and she worry about her safety.
Please move her.
Just be firm, and if they protest ask why they would want to risk and incident instead of anticipating trouble and avoiding it?

HighwayDragon1 · 07/09/2018 18:04

She should be moved.

Why does she have social media, she's not old enough.

CrabbyPatty · 07/09/2018 18:05

Yeah, I think if you were asking school to discipline them because of something that happened outside of school that would be unreasonable, but just to request that they move her because you are worried she'll be bullied based on history I think is reasonable. I wouldn't say that if it was minor teasing, but this sounds like more than that.

EmUntitled · 07/09/2018 18:05

Yes they should be able to move her. It will mean moving someone else out of a group which they have already been told they are in, which might mean parents complaining. Also other parents will probably start saying "upsideup's DD was moved groups, why can't my DD move?".
I don't think these are good enough reasons not to move her but it might be why they are reluctant.
I think you need to talk to them rather than getting DD to do it as they will probably take you more seriously.

Changenameday · 07/09/2018 18:05

As someone who has been a year 7 tutor they will probably have had loads of kids asking to be moved around for various reasons and if you say yes to one you have to say yes to them all, sending her onto head of year will have been mostly to see if she actually followed it up as most kids who are asking for superficial reasons wouldn’t have done that next step. I would hope that a quick email/phone call to explain the situation would get things changed x

garethsouthgatesmrs · 07/09/2018 18:08

Of course they should move her. I would write a firmly worded email tonight. You may get a holding reply or you may get nothing until Monday but at least you will feel better having done something. Given that your DD is only 11 I am very impressed that she took this to the head of year herself, she is obviously a very brave and mature girl. The school should be ashamed of how they have dealt with this and I hope you get an apology.

Soontobe60 · 07/09/2018 18:10

How was she bullied if she was in a different school?
How was she bullied on Instagram if she hasn't got an Instagram account and you've not seen any of the posts?
It's all a bit unclear.

Lougle · 07/09/2018 18:13

"sending her onto head of year will have been mostly to see if she actually followed it up as most kids who are asking for superficial reasons wouldn’t have done that next step."

I think that's a very misguided philosophy. I think that children who have the boldness and courage to speak up will do that next step. Children who are already downtrodden and need help the most will be powerless to take that step and will be missed, while teachers will assume that they had a superficial reason for their request, which is incredibly sad. My DD2 would never take the next step, and then the first step would take all her guts and determination. To think that she would be dismissed because she couldn't face rejection twice is quite heartbreaking.

Changenameday · 07/09/2018 18:29

@lougle I would hope that teachers would know their students well enough to know the difference! As a tutor with a request like this if she had explained the situation I would follow it with the head of year anyway so they were aware.

ForalltheSaints · 07/09/2018 18:40

Ideally it is the bully who should be moved, but the DD being moved would be the second best option.

Troels · 07/09/2018 18:44

You need to go in and speak to the head and soort it yourself, they are not taking your Dd seriously.
If she isn't moved there is no way I'd let her go on the residential.

CurbsideProphet · 07/09/2018 18:48

HighwayDragon1 the OP says that her DD does not have instagram, but the bullying account was seen by another school parent and reported.

OP I would write a letter / email to explain what happened.

deepsea · 07/09/2018 19:09

Go in and insist this is sorted out.

DollyWilde · 07/09/2018 19:13

soontobe60 Sorry, I think you’re being obtuse. It’s perfectly clear re the Instagram explanation. And in a village/small town with more than one school, it’s perfectly normal to have friends who aren’t at the same primary as you.

NonaGrey · 07/09/2018 19:15

I’d be at the school in Monday morning.

Thesearepearls · 07/09/2018 19:20

Okay I am going to post from a slightly different perspective but I genuinely hope this helps you OP

DS was bullied at primary school by a boy - let's call him Brian although this is not his name. Every day at school for the best part of 3 years Brian punched DS. We had multiple conversations with the school and with Brian's parents. Brian had some form of autism - we're not sure what - and developmental delay. Lots of concern from everyone. Brian was on the verge of being expelled.

One day DS cracked and punched him back. Since that day it is fair to say that DS and Brian have been the best of friends. DS won't do a thing without Brian. When it came to A levels, Brian asked DS to coach him in maths and DS willingly gave up days of his life.

So my message is one of reconciliation. These reconciliations (unlikely though they might seem in the heat of the moment) do happen. Give the school a chance and give your DD a chance and maybe things will work out.

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 07/09/2018 19:25

Time to get this sorted. Take the responsibility off your daughter, she has done well to deal with it so far.
Make contact with school, parental envolvement should indicate how important this is. Don't take no for an answer. If they don’t listen ask for policies on bullying, social media and child protection, also ask for the name of the governor who oversees child protection, rattle school’s cage if necessary - don’t do this all at once but use it as an escalation technique, which hopefully you won’t need.
I would also emphasise that you are not asking them to discipline this group but to protect your daughter and prevent further injury/hospitalisation.
As a last resort I would consider removing your DD from the trip. But if it gets that far I would also be considering whether she is in the right school.

NonaGrey · 07/09/2018 19:31

These and while Brian was still punching your DS would you have wanted him subjected to the pressure cooker of a shared dorm? When there were hours of uninterrupted time after dark for Brian to pummel your son without a teacher seeing?

Yes they may become friends in the end. Sharing a room isn’t the path to that though.

DollyWilde · 07/09/2018 19:46

theae that sounds more like a message of ‘punch back’ than reconciliation if I’m honest!!

Glumglowworm · 07/09/2018 19:48

YANBU

This isn’t a kid wanting to be with their friends. It’s a kid wanting to escape girls who have repeatedly bullied her in the fairly recent past.

Original poster
upsideup · 07/09/2018 19:49

I will be asking to talk to someone monday morning, DD won't be going on the trip if she has to sleep in the same room with girls who put her in hospital.
Theres no chance dd will be friends with these girls ever, this isnt one kid with SN and apologetic parents who are doing their best to resolve the situation

OP posts:
LokiBear · 07/09/2018 21:04

Head of Year here. When and where the bullying took place makes NO difference to what school can and cant do. The issue is that there is only 6 spaces to a room. Moving your child will cause upset to another child who has to move. It is a nightmare for staff - especially as they will probably have other people tequesting their child moves for a variety of reasons, most of which will not be as serious as your dds. However, I'd still move the child so you should definitely call and speak to the HOY. They might be able to negotiate an extra bed in a different room with the residential centre.

Lougle · 07/09/2018 21:16

Hindsight is 20:20, but it probably would have been helpful for the school to have had a letter in advance highlighting the difficulties regarding your DD and these children, requesting that they didn't mix. I had to make a request for my DD and was asked to put it in writing so that the school could ensure there was separation.

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