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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get in between my ex and our kids?

17 replies

NattyNJ75 · 07/09/2018 14:23

Been divorced for 6 years.

Kids are 9 and 13.

We share custody 50/50 and have them alternate Saturday nights.

Ex has got a new gf who has two kids (similar ages) been together about 8 months.

Kids have told me this week that they're fed up of going to GF's house every weekend and they wanna just hang out with Daddy. I didn't realise this was happening and stop to them at length about it. Turns out they've been spending most of their 'Daddy weekends' at the GF's house and are bored and fed up of it.

I try to talk to Ex about this in a calm way and understand that kids are prone to drama/exaggeration etc. He gets ultra defensive (he's very narcissistic) and is not caring what the kids say.

I feel very stuck in the middle. Trying to get our kids to be honest with Daddy, but they're scared of upsetting him/him shouting.

It's ended up with me saying to the kids that they can stay with me this weekend if Dad is gonna take them to the GF's house. Dad has gone mad at this, says he doesn't have to tell me where the kids are going etc and that he'll be round to pick them up in the morning.

Things have got heated and I have said that I'll discuss with kids this afternoon and see what they want to do. Thinking we might actually have to be away from the house to stop him kicking off and trying to take them.

He thinks I've poisoned the kids against him and am 'with-holding them'. Lawyer friend says the kids can stay with either parent as there is no court order or legal document about custody.

Am fine with the kids going with him or staying with me. I've told him explicitly that they are more than welcome to go with him but that they don't want to. They just want to spend time with Daddy and not his GF and her kids - I don't even know what that's about as they're quite easy going and get on with everyone.

What do I do now?!

If the kids say they don't wanna go to GF's house and Dad won't confirm either way, the kids can stay with me no problem. Dad will turn up and I don't even know what he'll do tomorrow if they don't wanna go with him. He's not a violent person, but he's extremely manipulative and doesn't like not getting his way.

Do I just ignore him? Not open the door? Take the kids away for the day/weekend?

They're really upset by all this.

I dunno what else is going on because he has ALWAYS put his kids first, but he's talking about moving in permanently with GF and moving our kids' schools - which is also not happening (it's miles away from me, schools are terrible but mainly the kids are very happy and settled where they are).

I've started talking to a solicitor but obviously, these things take time. I'm also a very skint single mum and don't have a spare penny to pay for legal fees.

We really should go to mediation but ex won't pay for it or go (because his arguments are always bordering on the ridiculous and he'll be laughed out of the meeting!).

Would appreciate any advice.

OP posts:

ExtraTezza · 07/09/2018 16:38

Hi OP, sorry I don’t have any advice as no DC myself but just bumping this so someone might come along with more advice x

snowbear66 · 07/09/2018 17:19

YANBU
It is very unreasonable for them to be dumped at his girlfriends while he is busy. They are old enough to know what they want to do.
I think I’d keep them away and make him apply for contact and do all the legal run around but if he’s moving maybe (try ) and make it every other weekend and some of the holidays (is pretty standard).

BoneyBackJefferson · 07/09/2018 17:50

snowbear66

Where does it say that he is dumping them?

BananaBonanza · 07/09/2018 17:57

I'd say actually it's none of your business.

You've raised their concerns with their Dad, but their Dad doesn't share them.

That doesn't give you the right to stop contact, or to encourage the kids to think this is a gòod thing to stop contact over. It isn't.

Yes as you don't have a court order you could stop contact, and he would have to take you to court to reinstate it. However, without provable welfare concerns, court would just reinstate contact and you will have wasted money for nothing.

thethoughtfox · 07/09/2018 18:07

Be careful. If it's 50/50 residency and he has parental rights, he may be able to change their schools unless you both get this settled through the court.

rudehealth · 07/09/2018 18:10

It’s very annoying OP, I get that

But what your ex does with his time with the children is his business (short of obviously neglect or abuse).

The fact your daughters don’t want to spend time with his GF is neither here nor there unfortunately. As long as it’s not an abusive or negligent environment, the courts would have no issue with this at all

rudehealth · 07/09/2018 18:12

It would be the same as you visiting your great aunt Gilda every weeks for instance and the girls not wanting to go because boring

IncyWincyGrownUp · 07/09/2018 18:26

At 9 and 13 the children are old enough to choose whether they want to see him or not, so be led by them.

BasilFaulty · 07/09/2018 18:28

But what your ex does with his time with the children is his business (short of obviously neglect or abuse*

This

19lottie82 · 07/09/2018 18:33

I agree, at their ages, a court won’t force them to visit their father if they don’t want to.

pollygreen7 · 07/09/2018 18:45

OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. BUT seeing what others posters have been saying about the outcome through the courts and your description of your ex-husband I would think about how you can make the stay best for your kids. A new book for them to read every weekend at girlfriends House? Or maybe upload a few new episodes of something for them to watch together on an ipad? Think of funny things to text them every night? My DC is 3 so these might be dreadful suggestions, but you get the idea. I went to boarding school about the age of your DC, i hated it but found plenty to distract myself with.

To me the end goal would be keeping them at their current school, a maybe see if you can change the custody split amicably with the school in mind. I'd personally keep things as 'good' with their dad over this and hope that he might take that as a 'win'.

pollygreen7 · 07/09/2018 18:47

Ah, I'm not so sure now. My post was only if you would be legally forced to send them. Find out, and if not I'd scale it back.

Singlenotsingle · 07/09/2018 19:23

Can the DC explain why they are so reluctant to go to the bf's house? Is she not nice to them? Does their df not interact with them on his weekends? Do they not get on with her DC? Maybe you should make sure they've got lots of their own stuff to take with them so they don't get bored?

Original poster

NattyNJ75 · 07/09/2018 19:24

Hi everyone... thanks for the replies.

Sorry for any confusion - ex is not dumping kids with his GF, he is there with them.

I've had a talk with the kids about the difference between being upset/sad/miserable and just being bored as I think they were confusing the two ;) Having said that, I do think that they are of an age where they should be able to have a say in what they do. I wasn't stopping contact as such, they were free to come and go or whatever, I just don't think they should be forced to spend 48 hours somewhere where they don't want to be. It's one thing we agreed on when we came up with the arrangement and I thought we both agreed on it.

I guess I would be upset if the kids thought my house was boring and I'd try to make it more appealing, rather than just gloss over it and think my ex was being manipulative - which is what I feel he's doing. I'm encouraging the kids to talk to their dad more, but also to be more understanding of the fact that he works full time, so has to do more errands etc on the weekend that I can do while they're at school due to our different lifestyles. Also, he has a GF and she has kids - that's something that he has and they have to get used to it (again not what I would do, but...). It's up to our kids to say that they want to spend time alone with their dad and for them to sort it out between them and I'd rather empower them to have a voice than get stuck in the middle. It's not how I would do things, but I'm not there, so I can't actually judge what happens?!

I agree that if they are just bored, this is a totally different situation than being upset etc. and I didn't realise that this was the case until this afternoon. The way they were telling it was that they were really upset. I did question them thoroughly. I also asked him about it and he just got defensive, so I was in the dark and just went on what I was told.

In the end, I got them to text/video their Dad and he said that he 'hadn't planned to take them to GF's this weekend' anyway but will talk to them about it tomorrow. They feel reassured and I can rest easy knowing I (hopefully) have helped them all talk about it - will get an update next week, I 'm sure!

In terms of the schooling, even though we have 50/50 care and no court order, two solicitors have agreed that we both need to agree on a school move. Having said that, I rang the school he wants to move the eldest to today and they're full, with a waiting list for all years so that's out of the window anyway, unless he knows something I don't. I can get an injunction (as we both have Parental Rights) to stop any school move without my consent, but I hope it won't come to this as it seems very much over the top.

Am more than happy to change the custody split or come to some other arrangement. As I said in my OP, I have already offered to move house etc but he is set on it being this school and this area which is not practical or better than the current situation. I can't justify upsetting the kids and moving everyone just because he has decided to move in with his GF and she doesn't want to/can't move herself.

I've suggested many other areas, different schools, and other childcare setups but he's declined them all... this is very typical of him - he gets an idea in his head and won't budge lol.

I'm waiting to hear back on a solicitor and we'll go from there, I guess. I think I'd feel much better with something official between us now that he's talking about moving them into a new area and a new school.

OP posts:

Original poster

NattyNJ75 · 07/09/2018 19:29

I've had this talk with them - about taking more stuff to GF's house and they have asked Dad about that. They seem to like GF and her kids and there doesn't seem to be any problems there.

I think they're just homebodies and like to be in their own home and feel uncomfortable at GF's house.

It's really none of my business and they need to grow a pair and discuss this with their Dad lol. I was just dragged into it cos they were saying they were upset/miserable/crying/sad etc...

On a deeper level, their Dad broke up with the last GF he had and she was very close to our kids and a great step-mum. They miss her like crazy (and her kids) but their Dad has banned her from seeing our kids, cos his latest GF is the jealous type! I've talked to her about seeing them when I have them as she is incredibly sad about it but she says it's not worth the stress of him finding out and causing her and her kids grief. She's right and it shows what kind of person he is.

I wonder if they don't want to get too close to this GF and the kids in case the same thing happens again?? Not sure, I'm not a child psychologist.

OP posts:

rudehealth · 07/09/2018 19:52

OP. You sound a very sensible mum

Original poster

NattyNJ75 · 07/09/2018 21:33

Wow thanks :)

Ex has gone crazy in his texts and very strange - like I'm worried about his mental health. He gets himself into such a state and ties himself in knots :( I've just made arrangements with him to get the kids tomorrow and blocked him to give us all a rest and time to calm down.

What a mess!

OP posts:

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