To want to leave my dp because of this?

[doubleonthebubble]

I've had a hell of a life the past 4 years with my dp. He suffers with mental health problems and I really don't think I can cope living with him any more.

I've tried everything I can to support him since his diagnosis but he just doesn't want to know. He blames me for everything, then blames that on his illness! He thinks he can talk to me badly then say ' oh you know I've got mental illnesses, I don't mean what I say'.

He doesn't let me join him at any doctors appointments and believes they are all against him any way, trying to make his life worse.

He does take his medication, but complains every day about having a life sentence stuck on medication.

He's isolated us from everyone and it's really got on top of me now. I don't know who to support him or myself and I'm feeling very low.

It's very selfish but I feel I will never be happy unless I leave him. I truly think he was happier before we were in a relationship too. He doesn't want to hear that though and doesn't want our family breaking up. We have dc together too.

I just feel I'm miserable all the time as I'm not getting any help and everything feels unbelievably difficult!

Kick him out. There's being ill, and being an arsehole. He sounds very much the latter. Make sure he's in no doubt there's no coming back: locks changed, access to DCs at contact centre only, suicide threats ignored.

Oh dear, I really feel for you and your DH,as I believe his behaviour is down to his state of mind. But only he can help himself.
I had a friend exactly how you have described your husband. Let's just say, it hasn't ended well and her DH,family and friends are heartbroken.
I hope he can figure out the help he needs to improve his life and yours.

You must not sacrifice yourself and your DC on the altar of anyone else's issues.

If he is not actively engaging with the help on offer (meds, CBT?) then he is out of the door.

Mental illness is not an excuse to treat people like shit

Purdy sorry to hear that!
He does take his medication but always complains about taking it. I'm worried if I leave it will look like I've given up on helping him and I could never forgive myself if he harmed himself in any way.

To make it clear he's never threatened suicide, it's just a worry I have.

I’d be open with how you feel. Tell him you are coming to his appointments to gain a better understanding of his behaviour and how to help him change. If he refuses then leave as it will never improve. You deserve to be happy.

I am currently living with my 18 year old who has MH its tuff and I just can’t leave very tough

I agree with @Wildboar there is only so much you can do. He's the only one who can help him really. He has got to help himself,before allowing others to help him.

It's so tough. I feel for you both.

1981 are you getting any support?

Yep he is obviously not sorting himself out, I have MH issues and currently going through councelling as I was making my DP's life a misery at times. Nothing quite as bad as what you are going through though OP.

But personally I would have ended it by now, why is he not getting councelling and why are you not allowed to join him at his Dr's appointments? I have taken my partner to both just so that he knows what it is I am struggling with and how he can help me at times.

He is using it as a crutch and knows he can get away with it, either he changes and starts including you in his journey with this illness or he has to go.

I have told him exactly how I feel and he doesn't take me seriously and says why would I want to break up the family by leaving? Leaving is actually my last option. I think I really just need some support from drs/ psychiatrist to help me cope with things better and to help dp.

I have told him exactly how I feel and he doesn't take me seriously and says why would I want to break up the family by leaving?

Turning that wound, why does he want to break up the family by being awful to you all the time? If he wanted a nice family unit he wouldn’t treat you so badly.

The most worrying thing is that you say he's isolated you from everyone. How does he do that?

You need to leave him, for your sake, and your children's. It's not a good environment to bring them up in. Worrying about the "what if's" shouldn't stop you from making a better life for yourself and the children. If he did try to kill himself (and be aware that if you tell him you're going to leave, he probably will threaten it) then that's not your fault.

To be honest, it sounds abusive, he's using his illness to be abusive to you. Get out.

You're not responsible for his mental health. I bet he doesn't want you going to appointments as he isn't really engaging with MH professionals.
He isn't doing his best to get well. He's making your life a misery. Time to go.

Op you only have one life to live. Your DC only have one childhood. You dont have to take on the burden of being responsible for him.
Set yourself free.

If you go to nami.org or mind.org, you’ll get details for support groups for relatives of mental health patients. It’s exhausting, stressful and depressing trying to prop up your DH without sinking into despair yourself - I know how tough it is, I was off work with stress and needed counselling after my depressed DC’s two attempted hangings. Please get yourself some help, OP, and offload your burden before it makes you unable to cope any more. Sending s hug. God bless.

I agree with @Rednaxela.
Insist you attend the next appointment with his GP, you need to know what is really going on, then you will be better informed to make your decision.
Do not sacrifice the future of you and your children OP.💐

sorry you’re going through this OP please try and remember the old saying ‘you can’t help those that won’t help themselves’

Being rude and nasty can be controlled and him blamining it on his illness is bollocks. My ex tried this after an incident of dv against me. That was the last straw for me. He was forced to leave the home as a result and I’ve never been happier. I’m all for caring and looking after those who are ill, I’d move heaven and earth for my dh, but there comes a point that life is too short for those that won’t help you, to help them

Your MH is deteriorating because he won't take the support that is being offered.

I'm really sorry this is happening. It is not you who is breaking the family up - he is by not working on himself to improved the situation.

If you leave, this will be as a result of his lack of action and not yours. You cannot let your MH get worse as it will impact your family.

All the best.

I had a year of living with my husband when he went through severe depression. It was the hardest year of our lives. As the partner it’s incredibly hard and v v easy for you to get depressed too, that’s v common.

I think going to the go with him would help so you know what’s going on.

You need to take care of yourself and your kids. I had loads of help from dh relatives, a few selected friends and my own friends for respite. I had people I could call on to be with him when it was all too much.

You can’t do this on your own.

To answer your question though it does sound like you need a break at least. And leaving for the sake of your health and mental health is a valid option.

I've been through similar.

I did ask DH to leave after giving him an ultimatum. He was using his MH as a hook to hang anything unacceptable/undesirable on.

For him, it was a massive shock that I went through with it but I had to. I had my own sanity to think of and it wasn't a great environment for your children. he had plenty of support but wasn't doing his part in the hard work to get back on an even keel. I didn't want to start hating the father of my children and knew we had to do something drastic for him to realise the impact of him ignoring his issues.

He both recognised and accepted that...eventually. He would even say that it was the separation that made him realise what he was losing and that he had to reach that rock bottom to start the journey upwards.

It wasn't an easy thing to do and it felt shit at the time but the sense of relief when he did leave was palpable. I worked hard to impress upon him that this wasn't a punishment to him but what I needed to do for myself. Together, we worked our way back to being a family. It took a while but we're all the stronger as a whole family unit because of it.

I have MH issues and on really bad days I would be a horrible person to be around. As soon as I noticed that it was affecting DH I got help. If I hadn't he probably would of left.

You cant use MH as an excuse for shitty behaviour it's not fair. It is almost like gaslighting. As soon as your DP says it's my mental health is he expecting you to just forget about it?

I would give him an ultimatum. Get help or you will leave and give him a time frame. As soon as I got my meds right and learnt to correct my behaviour we were both happy.

One thing I learnt to do was tell DH that today I am feeling a bit anxious or low but I also tell him to call me out if I'm being unfair or volatile.

OP that sounds really tough.

I would advise googling DBT's options for solving any problem.

bayareadbtcc.com/dbt-problem-solving-options/

This is a link that explains it but it might not work.

Basically he is choosing the 4th option which is to stay miserable and unfortunately it's also making you miserable. I wouldn't be prepared to put up with that although I would have empathy for distress I would need him to be prepared to be active in working on solutions.

You're allowed to be happy op. Your relationship should bring you happiness, not just be a cross to bear.